Vampire Diaries Stefan Valerie

Vampire Diaries Recap: The Ex Games

“I just spent the day reliving Stefan’s first time. I really don’t feel like talking about my dead mother with my hostage taker.”

If that left-hook of a response from Caroline to Lily doesn’t perfectly sum up Thursday’s Vampire Diaries, I don’t know what would. Poor Car spent most of the hour listening to Valerie detail her courtship with Stefan, which proved far more torturous than last week’s literal stab-fest.

Here’s what we found out: Not only did Valerie swipe Stefan’s V-card and refer to herself as the “first love of [his] life,” but she was also — wait for it — temporarily pregnant with his child! While I’m in no way happy that Lily’s lover Julian sucker punched Valerie in the baby maker, I am glad that the show isn’t going down the ‘Stefan has a secret child’ road. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Caroline was understandably bummed upon her eventual release from Chez Heretic, but Stefan did his best to calm her nerves. He pulled out every line in the book: “I was just a kid,” “I don’t care about the past” and whatever else vampires say to their girlfriends to convince them they’re not still in love with their hybrid witch exes. But unlike sweet, forgiving Caroline, I’m not buying that the #Stalerie ‘ship has sunk just yet; when the two reconvened this week, you could cut the sexual tension with a damn Traveler Knife.

Elsewhere this week…

SON OF THE BEACH | Damon, Alaric and Bonnie’s hunt for Lily’s missing heretic led them to Myrtle Beach, where they made fast friends with a delightful stoner named Oscar. (Seriously, folks, wasn’t he delightful?) But like most friendships on TVD, things turned sour when Oscar realized the gang had an ulterior motive for their visit. From the moment the words “Phoenix Stone” were uttered, the entire visit degenerated into a haze of shouting and shooting and magical-headache inducing, finally ending with Oscar’s life being traded back to Lily in exchange for Elena’s body. (I imagine that’s how Vampire Wall Street would work, were it such a thing.)

CAN EVERYBODY JUST STAY DEAD? | With the Stone still in his possession, Alaric opened up to Bonnie about his plan to revive Jo — a plan that, for obvious reasons, would require a little Bennett-brand elbow grease. As Kat Graham previewed to TVLine, Bon-Bon was “compassionate” in her response, making sure Alaric knows what the hell he’s actually getting them into. (Spoiler alert: Alaric has no idea what the hell he’s actually getting them into.)

Of course, Operation: Bring Back Jo might prove to be a total bust anyway, as Lily apparently hopes to use the Phoenix Stone to revive Julian, the filthy dick-bag of a man who killed Stefan and Valerie’s unborn child. Um… I’ll give you one guess which person want them to bring back.

ALSO… | I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least acknowledge that Bonnie totally saw Damon’s D when he threw off his towel in front of her. That is all.

Your thoughts on this week’s TVD? Are you starting to see the cracks in Stefan and Caroline’s future? Drop a comment with your review of the episode below.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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24 Comments
  1. Morgan says:

    This episode was outstanding. Seriously, personally, I’d rank at among their top 10 episodes! It was funny, it was action-packed, it was sexy, there was no over-the-top teen drama (I’m looking at you Elena…), and the Heretics are getting more and more exciting! If they can keep this pace up all season, I’d say the show is finally back to what it was pre-season 4! :-)

    • Brandi says:

      Haha. I’m looking at you Elena. I don’t miss her at all and I’m loving this season!

      • Ari says:

        I’m seriously wishing Nina had left sooner. The show seems to be better without Elena. This was probably the least awful episode in years.

        • heather says:

          I am tired of them talking about her every episode. Please just give us a few without any mention of Elena Gilbert.

        • Morgan says:

          I think the problem is that once Elena became a vampire they seemed to bring the pace to a crawl, with non-stop teen angst, and Delena melodrama, and plot-lines that dragged for ages… And don’t even start me on the travellers. Now, that was a mess if I’ve seen one…

  2. Amanda says:

    I feel like this recap could have at least mentioned the Tyler cameo! Good to see him even for two seconds.

  3. Katie says:

    I honestly liked this one because of Bamon, Oscar and Alaric. They made the show tonight. I still don’t care about SC so Valerie was a nice interruption of them. I wish the baby would’ve survived so Stefan could have a child grown up I know but he would have more family.

    • Liz says:

      Ya steroline has no chemistry god why are the sc shippers not able to see this caraline has it with everyone but Stefan and I hope they break up and stalerie her back together

  4. Angry Katherine Fan says:

    It’s hard for me to be invested in the Stefan-Valerie relationship that traces back to 1863 WHEN I’M STILL MOURNING THE LOSS OF THE INCOMPARABLE, ONE AND ONLY MISS KATHERINE PIERCE! Srsly could they not have picked another era in which to situate the Stefan-Valerie flashbacks?? Such a slap in the face for Katherine fans.

    • Tori says:

      Could not agree more! all this retconning is making the show laughable. Honestly is anything true from the earlier seasons Ms. Plec? How many more ways are you going to break Stefan fans hearts? Why are you picking on Stefan why don’t you retcon Damon’s history and leave STEFAN’s alone. You’ve already destroyed enough last season. Enough is enough…like seriously! Maybe you need to hire new writers that can come up with better s/l that don’t have you rewriting the history of this show.

      • Sarah says:

        So agree with you both and I absolutely don’t give a f about sterolize or CVS. hmm look at that JP/CD they both remind me of a pharmacy. They are ruining Stefan and making me despise Caroline.

        • Ari says:

          The whole Steroline thing is just so vanilla. I forget that they are romantically involved ALL the time. There is just nothing there. They should have kept them friends.

    • Ari says:

      I mean, I understand it is hard to write around Nina’s characters but seriously! Are we just going to ignore Katherine or Elena existed for anyone but Damon or that stupid diary?

      • Anna says:

        EXACTLY!! We know that Elena is gone and that Stefan and Elena/Katherine are over so to rewrite the history of this show for SC is ridiculous and unnecessary. Make them the “it” couple, who gives a care anymore but let’s leave the history (what’s left) of the show alone! They are making the ones that were on the fence about SC dislike them and the ones that already disliked them hate them now. I was looking forward to a season without Elena and her Delena drama but what they are writing for s7 is horrible. Why would you want to alienate the few remaining fans watching that they have left????

    • Liz says:

      No they couldn’t they needed him human they wanted them to have something very special her being his first and being pregnant can only happen pre vampire

  5. Illana says:

    Do the TVD writers have a competition to see how many old scenes they can recycle in a single episode? Because that’s what this was. Every. Single. Scene. Nothing but a rip-off of S1-3 scenes that were better written and, tbh, better acted back in the day. They have to be aware that they’re doing it, so it must be some sort of joke they’re having on the viewers.

    Why is this show even still on the air if they have no interest in doing anything original or interestin?

    • Anna says:

      That’s what I don’t understand. This was an exact replica of S2 not sure what the purpose of this is but certainly not enjoying it at all!

  6. Team Damon-Alaric-Bonnie won the night for me. Also Tim Kang.

    The v-card to Valerie was so awkward. There’s not really chemistry there… but then again, not every first time is perfect right?

    BTW, “Damon’s D” should appear more often.

  7. Lidiane says:

    Nossa na minha opinião a série está muito melhor sem Elena.
    torcendo por Bonnie e Damon😍

  8. Angie says:

    So is everyone gonna ignore Bonnie and Enzo. A Benzo kiss followed by sexual tension thru the episode. Enzo did always have a thing for chocolate, yaaaazzzz. LOL