Vampire Diaries Recap: Toy Story

Vampire Diaries Caroline Engaged

Thursday’s Vampire Diaries offered a warning to all Salvatore admirers out there: If you want to become Damon or Stefan’s main squeeze, prepare to also become collateral damage.

As punishment for ripping out Malcolm’s heart — what, did you think Damon was going to get away with that? — Mama Salvatore commanded her army of freaks “children” to retrieve Elena’s body from its crypt and dump it in the river. (You know, because Elena hasn’t had enough close calls with water in her young life.)

Damon agreed to leave town to keep Elena’s bod safe, but what Lily doesn’t know is that her smolder-y son is also planning to track down her elusive sixth Heretic to exact a little revenge of his own.

Sadly, Damon isn’t the only brother getting his toys confiscated; Caroline remains the Heretics’ prisoner, and as an extra “screw you” to Stefan, her skin has been cursed with vervain-like properties. (And you know what that means: No more hand-holding, no more kissing and definitely no more boning by the fireside.)

To make matters even more complicated, Stefan’s old journal revealed that he was once in love with Valerie! So for those of you keeping score at home, Lily’s “family” now has three incestuous connections: Nora and Mary-Louise, Stefan and Valerie and — as of this episode’s final moments — potentially Lily and Enzo.

Elsewhere this week…

CAROLINE IN THE CITY | Caroline’s future is looking brighter than her present… but not by much. A three-year flashforward at the top of the hour revealed that Ms. Forbes is destined to become a TV news producer, one with a big, fat diamond ring on her finger! And while fans initially hoped that her Mr. Right would turn out to be Stefan, a subsequent scene at the end of the hour revealed that to not be the case. In fact, Caroline said she never wants to hear the name “Stefan Salvatore” again. Any guesses as to what he could do between now and then to make her change her mind?!

WEIRD SCIENCE | Step aside, Moon Stone — there’s a new magical doodad in town! Enter the Phoenix Stone, a little beauty with “resuscitative powers” that Alaric swiped from a museum in New York. After telling Bonnie that he had it destroyed (lies!), we saw the world’s hottest teacher test it out on a body in the morgue… and what do you know, it worked. (Next stop: Jo!)

THE BLAME GAME | And Enzo isn’t the only person being forced to choose a side. After a spell-gone-wrong nearly cost Matt his life — seriously, you’d think he’d be used to it by now — the man in uniform took a pretty firm stance against Bonnie’s new BFF. “This is all happening because of Damon,” he snarled, making me wonder how long it’ll be before Matt picks up a crossbow and gets to work.

TVD-ers, your thoughts on this week’s many twists and turns (including Caroline being engaged to someone else)? Drop ’em in a comment below.