Glee Recap: Somebody Rained on Her Parade

Santana Glee Don't Rain on My ParadeSlap! Smooch! Gasp!

If I had to recap up the action on this week’s Glee using a trio of monosyllabic words, those would be my front-runners.

Thankfully, TVLine has no such rules about ridiculous pithiness, so we can delve a little deeper into Rachel and Santana’s mega-fight, Kurt and Elliott’s buss-stop and Tina’s unfortunate shove that knocked Artie right out of his wheelchair.

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Shall we dive right in? Yes, we shall! If you were too buys cooking tacos with Grade D prison meat, here’s what you missed on Glee‘s latest installment, “Frenemies”:

THE LADY LOPEZ BLUES | Santana kicked off the hour in a funk — a totally realistic funk for a college dropout/struggling artist in NYC, I might add — as she lamented her lack of successes (and tiresome waitressing gig) in the months following her national yeast-infection ad. And so, Rachel, trying to be a good friend — albeit one who’s still waitressing, too, despite being in the rehearsal/promotional stages as the lead in a major Broadway musical — scored Santana a spot as a backup model in her New York magazine cover shoot. Awww…warm fuzzies for the former rivals, eh? (Not so fast!)

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A GOOD DEED GOES PUNISHED (OR DOES IT, REALLY?) | Amidst the bright lights and big-city glamour of the magazine shoot, Santana cooked up the idea to audition for the role of Rachel’s Funny Girl understudy — and then totally nailed it by busting into the theater and wowing the director with her version of Rachel’s signature number, “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” This led to a brutal, stinging fight — with Santana contending that all of Rachel’s success was fueled by Santana and Quinn’s high school hatred of her, and Rachel contending that Santana simply couldn’t stomach seeing her Broadway successes. “You are short, you are awful, and that is never gonna change!” screamed Santana. And with that, Rachel went and slapped Santana across the face. WHOA! Was it just me, or was this drama between the titular frenemies horribly, uncomfortably real? (I may not like where it’s going, but it was nice to see Lea Michele and Naya Rivera get a juicy scene to play. Also, it may not be Rachel’s prettiest side, but I kind of bought her going into rabid-dog mode to protect her long-held Broadway dreams — especially only months after losing the love of her life to a sudden and tragic death. And that Showgirls comment — in full, below — made me howl.)

TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE (FROM A PUBLICITY STANDPOINT) | Funny Girl‘s director, catching Rachel and Santana squabbling over a dressing room, informed his leading lady and her understudy that there’d be no fighting — that the tale of two Ohio girls from the same small high school finding Broadway success together was going to be his big publicity hook. “As a team, you’ll be twice as famous,” he grinned, insisting from here on out he expected “all puppy dogs and rainbows.” But Rachel didn’t want to continue the charade in her home life, and demanded Kurt choose either her or Santana for eviction. When he refused to take sides, she packed her bags and stormed off — but not before viciously tearing up a photo of herself and Santana during happier times, then tossing the debris in Santana’s shocked face. Who’s Lima Heights now, beyotch? The rivalry, obvs, will continue.

HEADS OF THE CLASS | Tina and Artie, right after celebrating their continued friendship and Tuesday lunch dates, learned they were in a dead-heat for valedictorian (a spot Tina coveted in an attempt to get off the waitlist at Brown). Things got ugly in a subsequent sing-off for the second of two solos at Nationals (Blaine already scored the first), with Tina accidentally knocking over Artie’s wheelchair during a physical, hostile duet. But the frenemies put aside the vitriol — and made a case for each other’s victories — during a contest orchestrated by Principal Sue to see who could deliver the best valedictorian speech. Because a tie was declared over the ridiculous, fawning speeches, the title went to the No. 3 student — Blaine! — a hilarious nod to the fact that Mr. Anderson seems to get everything all the freakin’ time. His solution? A Tina-Artie-Blaine musical number at graduation in place of a speech — even if it means an assassination attempt by Sue.

RIVALRY, HE WROTE? | Kurt, fearing that Elliott/Starchild was attempting to take control of Pamela Lansbury, decided to hang with him one-on-one and pick his brain. A trip to the guitar shop — and an epic duet of “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” later — Elliott got honest and admitted he knew what Kurt was up to, but that he merely wanted to hang with like-minded artists and “kick ass” together, not “be these smiley frenemies who backstab each other.” The new pals sealed their deal with a selfie — with Elliott giving Kurt an innocent peck on the cheek. But when Becky showed the Instagrammed image to Blaine, it got him wondering if his fiancé might be falling for another (and dare I say more charismatic?) fella. I know, I know, a lot of folks ship Klaine, but these kids aren’t even 20! It would kinda make sense if Kurt decided to explore single life in the city, no? Especially if the chemistry with Elliott keeps percolating? (Consider that an informal petition to keep Adam Lambert around from now till the end of Season 6, OK?)

Best Zingers from the Episode
“Now as you are respectively a loner Asian who has trouble making friends and a nasal, Muppet-y disabled kid in a wheelchair, it should come as no surprise to you both that you’re at the head of your class.” –Sue, being typically awful to Tina and Artie

“Now unlike some members of the glee club who come and go for months at a time with no explanation, you two losers are always in that choir room — even if for an entire week the only thing you have to do is say something inconsequential like, ‘Kitty’s right!’ or ‘Blaine, are you serious?'” –Sue, providing sneakily meta commentary on Artie and Tina’s roles on Glee

“Said Beyoncé, right before she left Destiny’s Child.” –Kurt, responding to Elliott’s comment that every member of Pamela Lansbury “is bringing something essential to the mix”

“Allow me to present absolutely no one’s favorite New Direction: Tina Cohen-Chang!” –Sue, introducing Tina’s potential valedictory speech

“What a treacly, stomach-turning waste of everybody’s time. I hate you both. The judges will now make their decision while I find a wastebasket to have mouthfuls of yellow bile into.” –Sue, reacting to Tina and Artie’s silly, love-fest speeches

“You will never play this part. I know you plan on getting all Showgirls crazy on me and pushing me down the stairs and poisoning my oatmeal, but you’re gonna have to kill me first. And even then, I will come back from the dead and I will play this part just to spite you!” –Rachel, breaking things down after Santana threatens to hit her

“At least we know who the rainbow is and who’s the dog!” –Santana, getting in a dig at Rachel after their director declares he wants their relationship to be “all puppy dogs and rainbows”

“Just friends — my ass! And speaking of ass, Pancake Face is getting some. Oh snap!” –Becky, implying to Blaine that Kurt is cheating on him with Elliott

Grades for This Week’s Musical Performances
Tina and Artie, “Whenever I Call You Friend” — Grade: B+ | Kinda sweet, I have to say!

Rachel and Santana, “Brave” — Grade: B+ | Love this song, and love these ladies’ voices!

Tina and Artie, “My Lovin’ (Never Gonna Get It)” — Grade: C  | Nowhere near En Vogue levels. Also: How come so many of Tina’s musical numbers have to end horribly?

Santana, “Don’t Rain on My Parade” — Grade: A | Maybe not as crisp and Broadway as Rachel’s epic rendition, but I liked Santana’s power and flow — and the way her interpretation fit her character! Plus, at least the director’s publicity angle makes the casting of Santana a little less ridonk. (I said “a little,” mind you.)

Elliott and Kurt, “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” — Grade: A+ | EPIC. But my love of Adam Lambert and this particular song probably makes me biased.

Rachel and Santana, “Every Breath You Take” — Grade: A- | Loved the staging with the two floors and all the B’way extras and the way it literally read “backstage drama.”

Tina, Artie, and Blaine, “Breakaway”  — Grade: B+ | I liked how this got used as a backdrop for Rachel’s exit — without splitting vocals between NYC and Lima (a pet peeve of mine, to be honest)

What did you think of this week’s Glee? Can and should Rachel and Santana’s friendship be saved? Do you ship Kurt and Elliott, or are you Klaine 4Eva? (And are those positions mutually exclusive?) Sound off in the comments!