GoT Recap: Royally Screwed

Game of Thrones Cersei Prison

Forget the “unofficial start of summer” — winter is still coming. And if the White Walkers aren’t going to take a week off, kick back and enjoy a Memorial Day barbecue or two, well, then, neither is Game of Thrones.

So we have for you a holiday weekend recap that includes the following items: dragonglass, a slit throat, a deflowering, a comeuppance, the death of a beloved character, a really long distance to go for a compliment, a reunion and Margaery’s worst hair day ever.

Wanna know how they all fit together? Read on as we review what takes place in “The Gift.”

RELATED Quotes of the Week From Game of ThronesThe FlashLate Show and More

THE MEN OF THE WALL | Most of Jon Snow’s brothers think he’s insane to be going on a mission with Tormund Giantsbane — yes, yes, Ollie, the Lord Commander sees your stinkeye — but at least Sam gives him a piece of dragonglass and a hug before he takes off.

Elsewhere at The Wall, Maester Aemon is dying. Sam and Gilly and the baby sit with him until it’s over — then Sam gives a really beautiful eulogy. “He was the blood of the dragon but now his fire has gone out, and now his watch has ended,” Sam says before lighting the old man’s pyre ablaze.

Later, when two of his brothers get very inappropriate with Gilly, Sam draws a sword and tries to defend her. Though it looks like the men have beaten him unconscious, he gets up in time to drop a killer line —”I killed a white walker. I killed a thenn. I’ll take my chances with you” — and buy himself enough time for Ghost aka MY FAVORITE DIREWOLF OF ALL TIME to come out of nowhere and sends the would-be rapists running. As Gilly cleans his wounds, she says he was stupid to risk himself for her, and makes him promise to take care of the baby no matter what. Of course he pledges to protect both little Sam and his mama, which earns him some wildling lovin’. Commentary, dear, de-virginized Sam? “Oh, oh… oh my!”

HOUSE STARK | Reek brings Sansa a meal, and she begs him for help. “Do what he says or he’ll hurt you,” he says. “He already hurts me every night,” she tells him. She’s visibly bruised and it’s terrible. She urges him to help her by lighting the candle in the tower, which you’ll recall is her secret signal to “friends” — aka Brienne — that she needs help. He doesn’t want to go against Ramsay’s wishes, but Sansa isn’t taking a stuttering, averted-eyes no for an answer. “Your name is Theon Greyjoy, last surviving son of Balon Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands,” she says, grabbing him and making him promise to help. “Do you hear me?” So he determinedly leaves… and makes a beeline for Ramsay.

It’s no surprise — though it’s terrible to see — when Ramsay trots Sansa out into the snowy courtyard to show her that he’s flayed and killed the old woman who carried Brienne’s message to her. With the knowledge that Theon betrayed her, Sansa quietly cries, tries not to despair-vomit and is led back to her room as Ramsay gloats. “You should hold onto your candles,” he says, and it seems like an appropriate time to mention that I want him to die. A lot. “The nights are so long now.”

RELATED Game of Thrones: George R.R. Martin Weighs in on Sansa’s Horrific Twist

HOUSE BARATHEON | “We march to victory or we march to defeat, but we go forward. Only forward.” Those are Stannis’ words to Davos, who counsels a return to Castle Black given the harsh weather and terrible conditions Stannis’ army faces so early in their trip. But privately, he questions Melisandre’s vision. The red priestess reasserts that all will go their way… but then casually suggests that they sacrifice Shireen to ensure their victory. “She’s my daughter,” he says, horrified. “Get out.”

HOUSE LANNISTER, FLIGHT-MEETS-FIGHT EDITION | When Jorah is bought at a fighter’s auction, Tyrion pipes up and says Mormont’s new owner must buy him, as well. “We’re a team,” he says, a little desperate, but then uses cunning and a little elbow grease to get himself bought by the same man.

As it turns out, both Jorah and Tyrion are brought to a pit that Daenerys and her husband-to-be are visiting that day. When Mormont hears the word “queen” uttered by the first round of fighters, he rushes to get a look and smiles so lovingly upon seeing his khaleesi, I can almost ignore the fact that a man’s head is burst like an overripe pomegranate moments later. Jorah grabs a helmet and leaps into the ring, so buoyed by seeing his beloved that he leaves everyone else bleeding in the sand. “Get out of my sight,” she says once he’s unmasked, but Tyrion’s sudden appearance — and gallant introduction — seem to change her mind.

VIDEO True Detective Season 2 Sneak Peek: Rachel McAdams Gets Stabby

HOUSE TARGARYEN | Daario is a little jealous of Daenerys’ betrothed, and offers an alternative idea: “Marry me, instead.” When she says she can’t just do whatever she wants, he responds, “Then you’re the only person in Meereen who’s not free.” Elsewhere in their pillow talk, he suggests that she gathers all of the masters in the city and slaughter them, and even on this show, that kind of talk shuts down their nookie pretty quickly.

Game of Thrones Cersei PrisonHOUSE TYRELL | Loras and Margaery’s grandmother visits the High Sparrow to plead for their release. Lady Olenna and the holy man are adequately matched sparring partners, but he won’t bend to her sharp tongue. “Your grandchildren will be punished in the same manner as anyone who breaks the sacred laws,” he says. She points out that her house is feeding King’s Landing, and when it is cut off, she’ll make sure the poor know who to blame. “You are the few, we are the many,” he warns. “And when the many stop fearing the few…” Gods help her, for perhaps the first time, Lady Olenna looks really worried.

So she meets with Baelish at the abandoned brothel, where she points out that their interests are aligned. “Together, we murdered a king. If my house should fall, I will have nothing to hide,” the old lady warns. So he gives her a “gift.” (More on that in a moment.)

Up at the castle, Tommen rages that he can’t free his wife — even though he’s the king! “You cannot blame yourself for fate,” Cersei says, sounding about as concerned as someone who can’t get her Sunday morning Sudoku puzzle to come out right. So when Cersei promises to intervene on Tommen’s behalf with the High Sparrow, he seems a little disbelieving. But then Lena Headey does a really lovely job of talking about her devotion to him and Tommen — which, of course, is pretty much the only thing she doesn’t lie about — and I can’t blame him for tearing up and believing her. (Probably because I do the same.)

When Cersei brings Margaery food and lies, the bedraggled queen whispers, “I know you did this” and eventually screams, “Get out, you hateful bitch!” Cersei nearly floats with happiness to the High Sparrow, who explains that Marg and Loras will be put on trial before seven septons — unless they confess first; then, their fates will be up to “the Mother’s mercy.” I’d listen closely, Cersei, when the holy man asks, “What will we find when we strip away your finery?” and then mentions how her cousin, Lancel, “unburdened himself” of all of his sins when he became one of the faith militant. Translation: High Sparrow has sniffed all of your dirty laundry, Cersei. So the Queen Mother is dragged, spitting mad, into a cell of her own. Karma!

RELATED Big Little Lies, Starring Nicole Kidman and Reese Witherspoon, Lands at HBO

HOUSE LANNISTER, TEEN-LOVE EDITION | Way over in Dorne, Myrcella doesn’t want to go home with her Uncle Jamie; she defiantly states that she’s staying there and marrying Trystane. And down in the dungeon, Bronn (who has a beautiful voice) talks a good game but then gets sidetracked when one of the Sand Snakes in the next cell unties her robe and starts seducing him. When he gets woozy and starts bleeding from the nose, I fear that perhaps she has an enchanted undercarriage… but then she reveals that she laced her dagger with a slow-acting poison, and that she’ll only give him the antidote (hanging from a pendant around her neck) if he says she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. No-brainer, eh Bronn? “I think you’re quite handsome, as well,” she snarks as he guzzles it down.

What did you think of the episode? Sound off in the comments!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  1. topoopon says:

    I’m not sure what’s in the 7-point star book, but if it’s anything like the Bible, incest should be okay.

  2. ABG. says:

    Finally! Great episode. I still need Sansa to kill everyone (Theon included).

    • Joey says:

      Because, as you know, Theon’s been horribly tortured so his actions actually made complete sense.

    • abz says:

      YES!! I’m waiting for Sansa to finally catch a break. I want her to go psycho on everyone’s ass, starting with Ramsay and then Cersei!!

      • fush says:

        There hasn’t been an episode yet, where I liked Sansa. At her worse, she was a complete tool to everyone around her. At her best, she is a pawn to everyone around her.

        • The Beach says:

          True. Although I feel sorry for the horrid situation Sansa is in, she’s not a particularly empathetic character.

        • abz says:

          I just feel for the poor girl. She just hasn’t caught a break. Tormented by Cersei and Joffrey and forced to marry Tyrion and now raped and tortured daily by Ramsay. No family or anyone she truly loved by her side. She doesn’t even know that her sister and brother are still alive. Like her or not, it’s hard no to feel for her situation. I want her revenge (if it ever happens) to be sweet.

        • Drogon says:

          Sansa is a Turnip. Putting her down would be a mercy ( for us). Though they’ll probably let her (and us)live and suffer.

      • Deborah says:

        I am also waiting for Sansa to exact her revenge. After watching this weeks episode S5/E7 I am hoping it is in the making. Nobody seems to have noticed what happened around time mark 15:08. Sansa is following Ramsey while they are walking outside in the snow. As he is talking to her they round the corner and Sansa picks up something off the top of a barrel that looks like a corkscrew (not sure what it was). She holds it under her cape I guess. It is not reveled in this episode her intention for taking it. One can only guess and I can’t wait to find out!!!!

  3. LK says:

    Seems like Margary’s “crime” of lying for her brother is much less worrysome than what cersei has done.. she should apologize and plead forgiveness… she’d probably be released…

    • ABG. says:

      Yeah. I really don’t know about Loras, but I think Margaery might survive. Cersei on the other hand…

    • Wordsmith says:

      I don’t know, though, they’re being tried by the Church, not the State, so swearing falsely to the gods may technically be just as bad as any sins of the flesh.

  4. Joseph Mallozzi says:

    Plenty of twists and turns in this one, but perhaps the biggest surprise of all was Bronn’s lovely singing voice!

  5. @tvneuroepi says:

    Can someone explain to me what “Winter is coming” means? Does it mean the white walkers are coming to attack? at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Winter was a person.

    • @tvneuroepi says:

      Also, what was Baelish’s gift for Olenna?

      • Jose says:

        a boy of some sort? just like little finger supplied the boy who slept with Loras, he had something to do with Lancel coming forward? otherwise theres a new boy that is the gift that we know nothing about!

        • Rayne says:

          I’m desperately hoping its Gendry or some other boy who will undermine Tommen (who I love, but cannot be expected to last long)

        • @tvneuroepi says:

          Thanks. The article above said there was more coming about Baelisg’s gift later but I didn’t see where. I thought it was another R+L=J clue but it could just as easily been about Lancel.

      • Jj says:

        His gift to Olenna I think was Lancel Lannister being the one to report on Cercei. I think she was behind that, and Lancel only needed the push. That’s was my interpretation at least.

        • @tvneuroepi says:

          Makes sense. I wasn’t sure if it would be revealed at the end of the episode or in the next set of episodes but this seem to be the most plausible explanation. Thanks!

      • Bart says:

        It was the boy whore whom Baelish employed and was Loras’ lover – Olyvar. Looks like he’ll make Olyvar recant his story so that Olenna gets his two grandkids back.

      • TC says:

        It was Cersai’s cousin Lancel. Little Finger knew he was fooling around with Cersai and that information would put her in prison.

    • luke says:

      it has to do with how long the winter lasts… our winters last 3 or 4 months… in the books winters span decades…

      • @tvneuroepi says:

        Thanks. It makes sense and even sounds familiar but I felt like I was missing something. I’m half expecting season 5 to end with someone saying “Winter has come.”

    • Toni Kristina bush says:

      In the world of game of thrones seasons can last many years not just a few months. That’s why when they say “winter is coming” it’s a frightening prospect for them. Winter is Coming was the name of the very first episode and the motto of House Stark. And is also a metaphor by George R.R Martin about the dark times in our lives that everyone has to go through. I hope that covers it for you!

    • Toni Kristina bush says:

      Sansa needs someone to give her a dragon glass dagger to kill Ramsay with since he’s as cold and unfeeling as the white walkers.
      He’s pure evil and he has to suffer for it! Definitely enjoyed this episode esp when Cersei got what’s finally coming to her in such an ironic way at least in her mind. Loved that! Looking forward to next week.

      • Deborah says:

        This is a repost of my comment from above.
        I am also waiting for Sansa to exact her revenge. After watching this weeks episode S5/E7 I am hoping it is in the making. Nobody seems to have noticed what happened around time mark 15:08. Sansa is following Ramsey while they are walking outside in the snow. As he is talking to her they round the corner and Sansa picks up something off the top of a barrel that looks like a corkscrew (not sure what it was). She holds it under her cape I guess. It is not reveled in this episode her intention for taking it. One can only guess and I can’t wait to find out!!!!

    • tvLanny says:

      “Winter is coming” is a saying in their world that’s supposed to make you realize you had better be ready. In their world seasons don’t last a set amount of time. They can go on and on and on. So you’d better be ready for winter because even though they don’t know when it will start, once it comes it may not end for years. The white walkers seek to bring with them the “endless winter”. Which will choke all life from the world. The Stark family words are “winter is coming” not just because they were keepers of the north were winter is always worse. But because they are a family that seeks to put sense and practicality in front of anything else. No matter what happens, good or evil, winter is always coming.

    • the winter is coming is the starks house motto just like a lannister always pays its debt… since winterhell is the first thing after the wall, they adopt the motto….

  6. D.C. Knowles says:

    Professionally written…pfft. It’s like having some annoying ADHD suffering fan go through the entire plot, struggling to keep their words together from all the frothing excitement.

  7. AngelWasHere says:

    Awesome ep! Theon disappointed me tonight. I was starting to feel really sorry for him, but now I’m done with him for sure. Can’t believe he did that. And OMG Cersei in jail! I love to hate her! Bwhaha! Good! And thank goodness Bronn is still alive! Can’t wait to see what happens next. Sam better watch his back.

    • Joey says:

      I suppose the 2+ seasons of torture that Theon endured didn’t clue you in on how completely and utterly broken he is.

      • AngelWasHere says:

        Why the attitude? No I wasnt completely shocked, but the previews made me think he might come around finally. Is that ok with you smartypants? Geez.

        • Joey says:

          You’re the one who said you were “done with him” because he’s having a difficult time overcoming the extreme amounts of torture and abuse he’s suffered at Ramsay’s hands. I’d say you’re the one who should be doing some soul-searching.

  8. Jose says:

    It seems Ghost is tired of rape scenes on this show…..

    • ? says:

      Gilly rapes Sam in the book but that didn’t make it into the show. Hmmm . . . double standard much, writers?

  9. Nicole says:

    Theon did try to help but Ramsay being Ramsay was 10 steps ahead. Once Theon found Ramsey in the tower he didn’t have the strength to not confess everything.

    • German says:

      Ramsay was in a different tower. The ascension up the stairs was to make us think Theon was actually going to light the the candle for her.

  10. abz says:

    Can Sansa just catch a break already? Man, that girl has suffered so much. I was so happy she found out about Jon. She thinks everyone’s gone, but Arya and Bran are still alive as well and she doesn’t know. I just want her to go all psycho on everyone, starting with Ramsay. Hopefully, Brienne can save her….Still love Lady Olena…..So happy Cersei got what’s coming to her. She’s so infuriating. Glad she’s getting a taste of her own medicine. LOL it would be hilarious if Loras and Margaery get out of jail and are cleared (which I hope does happen) while Cersei is still stuck. Finally Danaerys has encountered someone from the rest of the core cast after 5 seasons!

  11. abz says:

    Also loved the whole “bastard” scene with Sansa telling Ramsay how it is. Loved how blunt she was, although I knew it was down hill for her at that point.

  12. Mrod says:

    Whatever happened to bran? Is this a Judy Winslow situation? Not that I had any real interest in his storyline, Just seems odd that there’s been no screen time in 7 episodes.

    • Cass says:

      It was announced a while ago he would not be in this season at all. I believe where he ended last season was where he left off last in the books so they were going to use this season to catch everyone else up to that.

      • Pocket says:

        I also feel that to continue to have bran would be a lot of big reveals for the myth and lore of the world. Since he is in the north school of witchcraft and treebearding and plot exposition.

  13. katedfw says:

    Ramsey must die now and I hope it is horrible and that he suffers. I love that Brienne is still waiting to help Sansa; I just hope she gets the message soon! I have a feeling that Sansa will grow stronger and that the 2 of them will save Winterfell.

    Of course Cersei being thrown in prison was so poetic and icing on the cake!

    • The Beach says:

      Yeah, I hope Ramsey’s death is slow and painful like Joffrey’s should have been.

    • Stevey Freeman says:

      Typical feminist response. Main FEMALE character is effected in some way, and only then does the villian deserve to die. He didnt deserve to die when he mutilated Theon or hunted down a girl in the woods with a pack of dogs or the other arsehole acts he’s done?

  14. LovingThisShow says:

    Ramsay must die. His death should be via one of the means he himself has used to kill people slowly and painfully. It would be the ultimate irony. God, I’d love to have Sansa be there to watch whatever way death comes to Ramsay and his d*ck father. Who knows? Maybe she’d even participate in his death. I can’t wait. Go get ’em, Stannis.

    Oh and I hope Sansa’s saved by Brienne (and that Brienne doesn’t get fatally injured).

    So excited to see Denaerys and Tyrion together. It appears he will eventually work his way into being one of her trusted advisors. How awesome will that be? I hope she forgives Jorah so he can return to her court as well.

    I agree. The Tyrells must be freed and it’s high time Cersei gets what she’s got coming to her. Gotta give Lena H credit for her fabulous acting — every time Cersei got that twisted little smile on her face I just wanted to smack it off. I’m 99% sure Margaery will survive, but if she didn’t, I would imagine Baelish would work his way into the King’s council.

    There is no fricking way on earth Stannis will let Melisandre burn his daughter (though if the Queen had her way, I bet she’d let it happen in a minute). Have to admit, I never expected Mel would be stupid enough to utter those words to Stannis. I thought for sure she’d know Stannis love his daughter more than he wants to be king. Surely to God, burning Stannis’ daughter alive is too much even Benioff/Weiss. I hope.

    Lovely to hear Samwell enjoying his deflowering. So glad we didn’t have another freaking rape on the darn show. I”m beginning to think Benioff and Weiss almost enjoy them since we see it so damn often. We got the message. Women historically have been raped often and for many different reasons. Enough already.

    I hope that really was antidote she gave Bronn. Nothing like a little gratuitous nudity. I mean seriously. If there was a scene that begged for nudity it was Samwell’s deflowering. That would have made perfect sense and could have been done in a loving manner of sorts (not that Gilly has ever been given love or had tender sex, but at least it would have been in context with the scene. Yes, I know, the Sand Snake seducing Bronn was a scene showing a woman’s power, but Jeez Louise, Benioff/Weiss could just have had the Sand Snake girl give Bronn the antidote solely based on how beautifully he sang. Now that would have been a great surprise and completely interesting. Bronn reacting as he did to a beautiful nude female is about as predictable as it gets. Totally unnecessary nudity. Didn’t need it to establish to us how powerful and manipulative the Sand Snakes are.

    Bronn is way too much fun to leave the story. (I imagine a scene where a triumphant Denaerys enters the Iron Throne room, three dragons and Tyrion at her side, and Bronn’s eyes bugging out with shock and ..then…. laughing and laughing because he’d say something like “If anyone could come back from the brink of death and rise to the top, it’d be that little bastard Tyrion”. I would LOVE to see that scene!)

    Cheers to Olenna! Cheers to the direwolf!

    So the Cersei/Margaery story has pretty much caught up with the books. I actually enjoy this unique experience we’re having…… being able to read/watch two entirely different story lines on two different mediums.. all with the same (sort of) characters. Makes me look forward to George RR’s books even more.

  15. rwbil says:

    This show is getting ridiculous. The idea that some peasant religious nut is able to throw the queen and the king’s mother in jail is ridiculous. Where are the castle guards? Where are the queens personal guards. Where are the Knights? Where are the city watch police? Where is the 12,000 man army that Tryrell has. This guy would have been beheaded in 2 seconds. Peasants are not allowed to accuse royalty of anything.

    • james says:

      I guess you don’t watch the Middle East news much.

    • KCC says:

      I think you missed a major point. He is not “some peasant religious nut” but was appointed by the Queen Mother, with the King’s approval, as the High Septon (think of him as the Pope), the highest religious figure in the kingdoms. Even Kings cannot simple behead Popes without consequences. It’s an age old power struggle between the Church and the State. He also has a huge following of faithful disciples willing to do whatever he says so any action taken against him could result in a lot of violence in the streets. He as much as threatened that when Olenna threatened to cut off the grain she supplies King’s Landing. His line about the many no longer fearing the few was a not so veiled threat.
      All the action of Cersei being arrested happened within the Sept and the King, guards and army are unaware of it at this point. Tommen was ready to go to war when his wife was arrested but Cersei talked him out of it because her plan all along was to get Margaery away from her son. He’s been his mother’s puppet up till this point. Everyone he’s trusted is imprisoned so he’s on his own now and I’m excited to see where it goes.

  16. Cheryl says:

    Finally, Karma for Cersi, can’t wait to see how this all goes down. As for Sansa, the once spoiled child has now learned hardship and now I feel sorry for her and hope that she poisons or stabs Ramsay, flaying him and castrating him would be the perfect punishment. I am interested to see what Kalesi does with Tyrion. Overall good episode.