Mistresses Recap: Game, Set, Bey-otch!

Being one of ABC’s Mistresses isn’t as easy-breezy as a stroll through the candle section at Maison Sur Mer.

I mean, imagine getting an unexpected marriage proposal from a bronzed, swoon-inducing, ridiculously sweet M.D., then heading to lunch with your three closest gal-pals and finding yourself stuck at No. 4 on the list of most gasp-inducing conversation-starters?

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Such is the plight of poor Joss, whose sister Savi is caught up in a high-stakes game of “Pin the Blackmail on the Bitchface,” while buddy April discovers her presumed-married boyfriend is actually single (but also an FBI agent investigating the whereabouts of her presumed-dead hubby) and friend Karen decides to abandon a fruitful psychiatric practice for a foray into the world’s oldest profession.

OK, OK, so Dr. Kim didn’t exactly say she was going the Pretty Woman route — but with all those wigs and cocktail dresses in her California Closet, you have to admit this would be a logical (and definitely not dull) direction for Season 3, yes?

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I know, I know… you’re all like, “Slezak, don’t quit your day job, buddy.” So let me do what I do and recap the “Choices” episode of Mistresses, while raising key questions for each of our central chicas.

APRIL | Our exasperated single mother reacts to the sight of Daniel at FBI HQ (in an FBI windbreaker) by placing an open palm against his cheek — with all the brutality her petite-yet-toned arms can muster. He comes to her home and is all, “Yes, I crossed a line by dipping your naked body in acrylic paint while also wiretapping your little girl’s bedroom and investigating your drug-dealing ex’s shady death, but I still heart you big-time.” April — thank heavens! — is not having it, but she soon learns that while she doesn’t have to cooperate with the temptation of Daniel’s smoking hot torso, she does have to work with the Feds (or else pay back Paul’s life insurance money and serve jail time). The episode ends with her getting a burner phone in the mail programmed with Paul’s number — featuring an Ohio area code! — but surely she’s not thinking of keeping this intel to herself, right?

Key Questions | Just because April’s mad at Daniel doesn’t mean she owes Paul a damn thing, right? Under her modus operandi of “Put Lucy First,” is there any way April’s first call isn’t to the FBI? Also: Is there any scenario under which you’d “paint an abstract piece” (definitely a euphemism) with Daniel again after his insane levels of lies and deception?

SAVI (PLUS HER MERRY BAND OF OVERSIZED PILLOWS AND HANDBAGS) | Savi surreptitiously helps Dom defeat Toni Tanned and Treacherous, with the two of them staging a humiliating office fight that causes She of the Plunging Necklines to let down her guard and let her officemate in on her secrets: Use bogus sexual harassment charges to get that money. “Rich will look really good on you,” coos Toni, who clearly hasn’t seen the size of Savi’s kitchen. Naturally, Savannah’s got the whole conversation on tape, but instead of firing the Wicked Witch of the Minidress, Dom decides to keep her on as an associate. One of their richest clients won’t work with anyone else — and anyway, he thinks she’s actually good at her job. Savi, meanwhile, calls Zack — who has taken on the form of a buff, grease-streaked mechanic from a mid 1980s rock video — to share that while her house is off the market, she’s back on. Thus, a dinner date is scheduled.

Key Questions | Is Dom out of his freakin’ mind? I mean, this is the equivalent of a chipmunk inviting a hawk to run out to a freshly mowed field for a game of dive and duck! Also: Is there a Mistresses fan alive who feels like there’s magic in the Savi-Zack matchup? Or is he just bad news riding in on the back of a motorcycle? (I vote the latter.)

JOSS | Scott surprises Joss with an engagement present — replacing her coffee with Folger’s Crystals and her beat-up vehicle with a brand-new Tesla — but it turns out our “Independent Woman” (Trademark: Destiny’s Child) wants to pay her own automobills. The extravagant gift makes Joss feel like she’s going to lose her identity — and so she rashly asks for a prenup. A brief night of tension follows for the ridiculously handsome couple, until Scott emerges from the shower, glistening in a low riding towel. (You think I can’t remember anything that happened after that scene? Think again! I take notes!) Scott adorably hashes out a makeshift marital agreement — Joss must pay the cable and phone bills ’til death do them part, their (two) babies will bear both of their surnames, and their sex life must remain unspeakably hot. (Clearly, this duo has never suffered from infant-induced exhaustion). Everyone winds up happy-happy, joy-joy in this storyline — except for Harry, who looks positively stricken at the sight of Joss’s engagement ring, and promptly reacts by sleeping with crazy bosslady Greta. Has anyone in the history of ever looked so unhappy to have sex with a supermodel?

Key Questions | Who’s feeling more and more like Scott and Joss are actually an amazing couple who might just make it work? And is it just me, or is there something horribly unsexy about broken wine glasses during intercourse? (#GetABroom #ProtectYourTendersPeople) Lastly, who feels like Harry needs more outdoor scenes? He’s been cooped up in his home/Wunderbar altogether too much this season!

KAREN | Our dubious psychiatrist takes one step forward — reconnecting her giddy-imbalanced former patient/new roomie Anna with her family in Korea, then putting her on a one-way plane back to her homeland — and then makes a stunning announcement to her friends: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN HER CAREER SHE FEELS SHE’S MADE A DIFFERENCE IN A PATIENT’S LIFE. (And yet her meticulously appointed apartment tells me there are loads of wealthies who’ve paid her handsomely for truly disappointing life advice!) Meanwhile, Jacob gets a job at my alma mater, Boston University, and invites Karen to move with him to the east coast (and, sadly, leaves his shirt off the entire duration of the conversation). Karen decides to A. Give up psychiatry. B. Stay in California with her family (Savi, Joss, April and the Apple Tart at Maison Sur Mer — awww!) and C. Find a new path in life (which will hopefully pay her enough to avoid foreclosure).

Key Questions | Does Jacob’s move clear the way for the return of Earthquake Sex Guy? Are we sure Anna is out of Karen’s life? (I still feel like that chick is going to go full Single Asian Female on our hapless Dr. Kim!)

UPDATE: My ABC screener for Episode 11 omitted the final scene — Ben (aka Earthquake Sex Guy) showing up at Karen’s door, looking all sweaty and scared and saying, “I need to talk to you about something.” THIS CANNOT BE GOOD!!!! ALSO: AM I PSYCHIC? Because as soon as Jacob was out of the picture, my thoughts turned to the long-lost hotel hookup!

Your turn. What did you think of this week’s episode? What seems crazier: Dom letting Toni stay at the firm or Karen giving up her career? Which couple seems more ill-suited: Savi-Zack or Harry-Greta? And Oh Em Eff Gee — what about Justin Hartley’s chest?! Hit the comments with your thoughts!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Lauren says:

    1. How did Ben find out Karen’s real identity and where she lives?! His appearance HAS to be Anna-related, right?!
    2. Well at least harry has a mild distraction?
    3. I’m upset with the writers for making Scott so perfect for Joss and yet, still trying to make Joss/Harry happen.
    4. Savi is about to play with more fire…in a leather jacket.
    5. Daniel needs to fix all of this crap April is getting forced into – and then help her paint again.

    • Doreen says:

      I’m actually thinking that Ben is more Jacob related! Because if he’s Anna related, then he has to be the horrible ex-husband she was talking about, right? & that’s too horrible to imagine for such a cute guy. Besides, even if it wasn’t him. Who else could it be? She was all alone in a big city, she didn’t have anyone right? Which leads me to conclude Ben is more Jacob related!

    • Mackenzie says:

      Ben looked to be very concerned and stressed. Makes me think he is HIV positive or has an STD, and is tracking down all his partners.

    • Riandy says:

      Press release for the finale kinda ruin the whole Karen thingy.
      So don’t go read it if you don’t wanna get spoiled.

      Scott is so perfect. Can Justin become series regulars in Season 3? There has to be one right?

      I hope Savi goes back to Harry ASAP! Because 1) I don’t see her chemistry with Zack 2) Harry needs to be kept away from ruining Scott-Joss’ perfect story.
      I mean I will be soooooooooo mad if the engagement’s off.

  2. Leila J says:

    I think Dom and Karen are smoking from the same crack pipe. They both have done things that could have put their careers and livelihood at risk. I believe Dom kept Toni around because he honestly believes his own hype about being the good guy. Well, we will see how that bites him in the butt come season 3 – hopefully the show will be picked up for season 3. I like Zack and Savi, but I am still very suspicious of Zack. His intentions might not be so innocent. The Joss, Scott, Harry triangle has taken a toll on my nerves. Scott is just so darn perfect. I hope there is happily ever after for Joss and Scott. Justin Hartley is just so adorable as Scott and he and Jes Macallan have such great chemistry. Then again, she has great chemistry with all of her love interests. The girl is a natural. Nothing ever seems forced or fake with her. I hope the writers do not take it there with Joss and Harry because I would hate to see a broken-hearted Scott – unless he is vengeful and wrathful, then it would just be good TV! I don’t know why Karen did not choose Jacob even though I heard her explanation. It does not make sense to me to let such a fine and successful man like Jacob slip through one’s fingers. Even though, she made what seems to me to be a foolish decision (add it to her list), I cannot wait to see what is next for her. No matter where Karen ends up, it is sure to be one hell of a ride! April is really going through it this time around. She really is damned if she do, damned if she don’t. It is an interesting story line and I cannot wait to see which choice she makes.Great episode tonight and great and hilarious recap!

  3. Austin says:

    Since when is Stanford located in New York?! #hotmessKarenKim #howdidyougetintomedschool?!

    • Itsjustvanny says:

      Austin, you need to watch the episode again, because you were not paying attention. She never said that. She clearly stated that she moved from the East coast to the West coast on purpose to go to Stanford and move away from her mother, who passed away while she was too busy getting all types of successful. I think you may want to brush up on your listening skills, buddy, though I agree she is a hot mess.

      • GeoDiva says:

        No worries… For a split second, I thought the same thing. Guess we all assumed that Karen grew up in Korea, not in NY.

  4. Kerri says:

    I love your recaps! You have a way with words that is uber enjoyable. I agree with everything you said… Especially how unnecessary and dangermous the glass breakage was in the Harry Greta table Sex scene! #illogical

  5. I don’t even watch this show but the recaps are so hilarious that reading them has become a weekly occurrence! thanks for being awesome Slezak!

  6. peace2speak says:

    *raises hand* I guess I’m the sole fan who likes Zach/Savi together!

  7. GeoDiva says:

    Jos and Scott need to stay together! The Karen Kim trainwreck just gets better and better. I am still waiting for Anna to go all SWF on her.

  8. LaLa says:

    April – How come the writers make FBI agents seem like such low-lifes? Even if Daniel truly did fall in love with April and crossed the line and feels genuinely sorry for it, why is his partner such a jerk? Instead of being an a-hole, and bullying April into cooperation, he could have said something to the effect of, ‘I know my partner crossed the line, and he will face disciplinary measures. But it’d be to the benefit of your daughter and you if you cooperated.” Flies and honey and all that good stuff. Just saying.
    Savi – Teamwork! Yeah, that’s the stuff. I must say that Savi and Dom seem to be a good fit as friends. But sadly, I’m sure Dom and Toni will slowly fade into the atmosphere now that their usefulness to the storyline is over. BTW, I’m pretty sure Zach still qualifies as trouble. I really think that Savi should take some time to be alone.
    Joss – Yay, Joss and Scott. Boo, Harry.
    Karen – Can’t say I’m disappointed that Karen has decided to stop practicing. That’s actually a relief. I also immediately thought that Earthquake Sex guy was bringing news of an STD nature. Although, the fact that he showed up at her door and knew her name, etc. may also be because she put stalker chick on that plane back to Korea. It’s an interesting development, and I’m looking forward to it.
    Great show, hope it’s renewed.

  9. Name That Tune says:

    Stupidest show that was ever conceived.

  10. SarahJ says:

    Dang you are psychic! I never saw Ben coming. In fact, I forgot about him!! Gosh, the plotlines move so fast in this show, I feel like I’ve watched 22 episodes instead of 11 already. Good call, Micheal!

  11. the girl says:

    Toni Tan and Treacherous vs. Savi Smug and Serious. And the winner is!

  12. the girl says:

    I’m disappointed this recap doesn’t make mention of Anna’s answer to Karen’s question, as we all know that Karen’s entire life is one long moment of insanity.

  13. i love me some Zach & Savi!!!! he’s hot!!!

  14. Tee says:

    Earthquake guy is totally Jacob’s brother!!!

  15. cdj says:

    I’d be quite happy to see Joss and Scott together for the rest of the season. Just keep it right there writers.

  16. Erin says:

    I think they took Harry treating Joss like an annoying little sister to pining after her way too quickly. It’s not very believable. I hate that it’s heading towards Joss breaking Scott’s heart!

  17. Celeste says:

    What did Harry whisper while hugging Joss sheet he found out about her engagement?

  18. mariam robinson says:

    I didn`t think earthquake sex guy new Karen`s real name . I could have sworn he thought it was rebecca.

  19. Victor says:

    I may be crazy, but… does anyone else think maybe Zack is working for the same guys April’s ex is doing business with?
    The set looked shady, perhaps not to reveal too much (or it could because they won’t show that garage again and they’re not wasting all their budget on that), and he mentioned he’s getting some money now — could it be drug money?

    I don’t think Savi’s cliffhanger would have something to do with Toni and the law firm, I’m really betting they’ll merge her storyline with April’s via Zack and the drug cartel. (crazy theory but not Karen-crazy, right…?)