Quotes of the Week: Best Zingers From Fallon, Colbert, Justified, Once, Mindy, GoT & More

Fun fact*: The average TVLine reader thinks about television 27 times per minute.

Sad, right? We thought that figure might turn out to be a little higher! To help boost these numbers, we present Quotes of the Week – a collection of the best retorts, one-liners and bon mots from the last seven days!

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This time around, we’ve got a Game of Thrones joke on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, a father-to-son put-down on Game of Thrones, some bleepable dialogue on Justified and Veep, a double dose of Drag Race and much more.

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So click through the gallery below for our latest batch of honorees, then hit the comments to weigh in on your faves — and add anything we’ve inevitably missed!

(*Number based on pure speculation and flight of fancy.)

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Jennifer says:

    Great Once quote. The Regina/Zelena dynamic is so wonderful. I loved the showdown and that culmination moment was perfect.

  2. dude says:

    The Taylor Swift line was the highlight of the night on SNL (which isn’t saying much).

  3. Staci says:

    My favorites this week
    – “Abel Gideon was half eaten in my guest room. I have corpses on my property. You just threw up an ear!” – Dr. Chilton to Will on Hannibal

    -“God, I am such a slob. *gasps* I have been robbed!” – Mindy returning to her ransacked home after being at Danny’s for three days on The Mindy Project

  4. ladida says:

    in response to no.10, would definitely prefer Britney (even if it’s lipsync) over two over-inflated judgemental egos with mediocre voice.

    Brit Fan who knows that even combined, both singers dont have enough songs in Billboard hot 100 than Britney Frikkin Spears!

    • Jess says:

      Well said!

    • leo says:

      Thank u, that’s exactly my thought! She sold out all of her Vegas shows and is still one of the biggest music stars on the planet compared to those country flops. And that stupid unnecessary quote just got in there because that moron, Michael Slezak hates Britney and always mocks her. Totally lame and not funny quote!

  5. Evan says:

    My favorite this week was:
    “So you are Dr. Phil now?”
    ” No, I just know people!”
    “No, you know how to kill people, there’s a difference”

    Danny to McGarrett on “Hawaii Five-0

  6. jasie says:

    VEEP had a few more good ones. “All my Orgasms just came all at once.” – Selena when she found out about Jonah. (Or something close to that. Too funny.)

  7. Martin says:

    That Mindy one “God,I am such a slob …GASPS…I have been robbed” was much funnier than the other one. I actually had to pause my tv because I couldn’t stop laughing.

  8. Stormy says:

    Re #14: I was born at night etc. That’s as old and cliche’ as I may have fallen off a turnip truck, but I didn’t land on my head. Nothing new there.

  9. Brendan says:

    Luke Bryan: “Everybody here tonight is ready to listen to some great, amazing, live music.”
    Blake Shelton: “And if you don’t like live music, then you need to go down the block and see Britney Spears.”


    And for the record, comparing a country singer’s performance to what a pop singer does during their performance is apples to oranges. Pop singers do complicated dance numbers and put on a show that’s about song and dance and entertainment while country singers often just stand around and sing. They are not the same type of performances and only a total drunken mess would think so.

    • Angela says:

      Yeah, I was just gonna say-I hadn’t watched the awards show, but I’d heard about that band lip-synching, so…come again, guys? Well said with the rest of your comment, too.
      (Not to mention, aren’t people in general kind of past mocking Britney now?)

  10. Pat D. says:

    How could you not put that badass line from Tim Gutterson as the Justified quote of the week:

    Tim (to three cartel members): “You have three seconds before we kill every one of you,”


    • JM says:

      Justified always has so many great quotes every week, they could probably devote the entire article to it, no problem. Love that show!

  11. Jennifer says:

    Thank you for finally putting a few Tim Gutterson lines in this thing!! Usually it’s all Boyd and Raylen but Tim lines were so badass this week, everything he said should be on this list.

  12. Angela says:

    Nice pick with Colbert there. I would’ve also included a line or two from Jon Stewart’s lovely comments about Stephen, particularly his line about how getting Letterman’s job meant he no longer needed a cable subscription to watch Stephen every night :).

  13. B says:

    I was really hoping to see a quote from Scandal.

    Olivia: Sally doesn’t have the NAACP, have you met her?
    Fitz: I’m saying I’m losing.
    Olivia: And I’m saying I’m black…. Sally doesn’t have the NAACP.

    That was the best thing ever! I was dyin’!

  14. Dee says:

    Love Ru Paul’s Drag Race!!

    Lots of funny stuff from there for sure.

  15. Esaul says:

    The statistic is about average. Constantly thinking about TV and TVline!

  16. Claudia says:

    How could you leave out NCIS’ “violent baby chinchillas,” or the scene where DiNozzo is hiding in the closet with the cardboard cutout of himself “Tony, what are you doing in the closet?” “Finding myself.” Great episode.

  17. what now? says:

    Thanks for the great Tim Gutterson quotes. Best Quotes of the Week EVER!

  18. jr. says:

    When Fallon comes out each night and stares directly at the teleprompter to read his jokes, he seems to have emotionless ‘dead eyes’ as he does this. It’s kind of disconcerting. As soon as he reads the joke ( like it’s his first time ) then his face lights up

  19. JM says:

    Thank you for Tim’s quotes from ‘Justified’!!! Michael Pitts really should get more props and airtime–he’s fantastic!

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