True Blood Recap: Bill, Eric, Roman and Jason Have Sex — But There's a Twist (Natch)!

True Blood Season 5 RecapThose of you who haven’t already seen Sunday’s episode of True Blood — the fifth season’s third, if you’re keeping track — will probably want to heed this ginormous SPOILER ALERT! warning and put off reading this recap until you have. The rest of you, fangs out and dive in!

Oops. Sorry if that headline misled you: True Blood didn’t have Bill, Eric, Roman and Jason knocking boots with each other in Sunday’s “Whatever I Am, You Made Me” episode. Rather, Bill and Eric took turns being, um, pumped for information by Salome, who reported her findings to Roman so immediately afterward that she was still in bed, still naked and still in the mood, the randy strumpet! Meanwhile, Jason seduced the teacher who’d once schooled him in the art of canoodling, only to realize that he’d been numbing himself with sex ever since. And those were just a couple of the 207 stories unfolding. Along the way, we were also treated to:

ANOTHER TARA MELTDOWN | Though Sam protected the new vamp for a day by stashing her in the freezer at Merlotte’s, she still couldn’t chill. So, upon discovering a beauty salon called — brilliantly — Curl Up & Fry — she broke in and went all Tanning Mom on herself in an attempt to commit suicide. But something tells us she won’t succeed, because her act of desperation was juxtaposed with…

RELATED | True Blood Casts a Terminator as Alcide’s Pa

A PAM REVELATION | At last, those flashbacks Eric’s progeny has been having served a purpose. Remembering the “eternal commitment” that her maker told her came with turning a human awoke in her a grudging sense of obligation to the blood-sucker she herself had just created. Therefore, it seemed unlikely that, after sensing Tara in the deep fryer, she wouldn’t intervene. Or at least show up with ketchup.

SOOKIE AND NORA CONFESSIONS | Not long after the Pelts started sniffing around for the MIA (and, unbeknownst to them, RIP) Debbie, Sookie finally admitted to Alcide that she’d sent his ex to that big dog park in the sky. Meanwhile, back at Dr. Evil’s lair… er, Authority HQ… rather than admit that Eric is her brother, Nora “revealed” to Barb from Cougar Town that she is a fundamentalist Sanguinista.

RELATED | Rutina Wesley on The Premiere’s Big Tara Twist

A JESSICA REJECTION | Out shopping for more Red Riding Hoodies, the princess of Louisiana got a whiff of — and then lost track of — the recast fairy Claude. (Did we really need more new characters?) All turned on afterward, she ran straight to Jason, but — thanks to his pesky new self-awareness — he and his johnson both turned her down.

TRANSITIONS FOR STEVE AND HOYT | No sooner was Reverend Newlin appointed “the new Nan Flanagan” than he got on Roman’s bad side. Of course, Steve being Steve, the Guardian’s scolding only left him swooning like a 12-year-old girl at her first Bieber concert. Later, Adam Lambert… Wait, no, that was just a newly emo Hoyt. Anyway, he showed up at Fangtasia and, instead of heeding Pam’s warning that her patrons would make a chew toy of him, marched in like he thought it was a good idea to be outfitted in head-to-toe International Male.

AND ALL THIS, TOO | Veronica Mars’ Mac debuted as the Authority’s equivalent of James Bond’s Q just long enough to hook up Bill and Eric with lethal tracking devices disguised as S&M gear. Back in the outside world, after Holly’s brats posted a picture of Andy’s bare ass on Facebook, she agreed to go steady with the sheriff. (This was not a cause-and-effect kind of thing, mind you.) Terry infuriated Arlene by informing her that he and Patrick were going “somewhere” to do “something.” Later, the redhead infuriated Lafayette so badly that he morphed into scary brujo Lafayette and poured bleach in her gumbo. (And here we thought the secret ingredient was love.)

So what did you think? Whose team is Salome on? How fast is Alcide gonna forgive Sookie? And WTH is Hoyt up to? Sound off below.

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47 Comments
  1. Kate says:

    ”If you guys would take your shirts off for me that would be great.” I enjoyed this episode way more than the other two.

  2. Amanda says:

    I hate Tara so much, I am so disappointed that they didn’t take the opportunity to her kill her. Loved seeing Tina Majorino, I hope we see her again!

    • me says:

      Yes Tara needs to be killed off the show. Can’t stand her

      • justin says:

        Wow, you’ve added so much to the discussion. I wish you haters would at least say why you hate a person, since hating is such a strong word, even for a tv character.

        • Ruby says:

          How’s this: All she does and has done since the start of the show is whine and complain. Nothing is EVER her fault, people are always out to get her, after her or mean to her, through NO fault of her own. She acts like the worlds is just one mean ‘We hate Tara’ convention. And then there’s the Vampire hate. She hates them, and all of them, throws them all i one pot. And she is angry alllll the time. It seems like killing her off would give her some peace at last, since she can’t ever find it in life, neither as human nor as vampire.

    • tvdiva says:

      It is not Tara that you need to hate. Try the writers. They are the ones who are not developing her character and keep her angry, whining and tortured all the time. Tara is a smart woman. Hopefully under Pam’s guidance she can become a strong, smart vampire woman.

      • qj201 says:

        C’mon people. Russel is back, and with Tara a vamp and their history…gives the writers lots to play with.

  3. Dark Defender says:

    Alcide will forgive Sookie in 2 episodes.. I mean, Com’on he always forgave Debbie.. And we all know the torch he carries for Sookie always burns. I’d like to say this week made up for the lack of nakedness from last week.. But what continues to reign supreme and I suspect will throughout the season.. Is the pure awesomeness of the Pam/Eric backstory..

    • Ashley says:

      Maybe on the surface but Alcide will resent Sookie for it and the guilt will be there for Sookie as well. There’s other issues that will likely come between them, Alcide doesn’t exactly get who Sookie really is. And yes, the Eric/Pam backstory has been amazing, definitely the best part of the season so far.

      • Jenny says:

        I agree. Best part of the season.. Pam/Eric storyline… The only one I find truly interesting so far. I feel that this season hasn’t started off strong… It seems like what has happened in 3 episodes could have been jam packed into one… I mean what has really happened? Not much wow to be honest. Usually episodes leave me wanting more… I usually can’t wait for the next one. Maybe they think we actually give a damn about Tara?

        • tvdiva says:

          I think Pam will start being a maker to Tara now that she remembers how Eric cared for her when she was a baby vamp. And Tara is a smart woman. The writers started her out smart but then made her into a whiner who stomps off in a huff every scene she is in. Hopefully under Pam’s guidance Tara will become a strong, smart vampire business woman. I am rooting for Tara to finally get a break from the writers. The Eric/Pam backstory is awesome. How cool was that when Bill and Lorena turned out to be the ones draining the girls? So we finally know why Bill/Lorena resent Eric/Pam so much.

  4. Ashley says:

    This ep. was great because it was so character focused. Love seeing Pam’s origins and further proof o the honorable vamp and maker Eric is. It’s also apparent that there’s a lot of playing each other going on, Bill and Eric inlcuded. Salome is a dangerous and interesting character. She went from victim to power player. Now I just want to see a scene between Eric and Sookie. Every single character s/l tied into the “what I am, you made me” title of this ep. and that’s why it was so good. We get to see how people’s pasts and origins affect their present and shape who they are, and how responsible their past actually is for who they are today. In Bill’s case, we see Lorena is definitely not wholly responsible ( she was trying to stop Bill, he wouldn’t listen), that he has a truly fundamental darkness and hunger for power. In Jason’s case we see him coming to realizations and growing because of his past.

    But yes, this is the best ep. of the season so far. Just waiting for a scene between Eric and Sookie, miss them.

    • Ashley says:

      To add to my comment, we also got to see why Eric and Pam have always had this disdain for Bill. Way back in Season 1, ep. 4, we thought it was just Eric’s disdain for mainstreaming, but now we see it was disdain for Bill and the idea of Bill mainstreaming. Pam and Eric’s dislike of Bill has finally been explained. This history and the events of the past 4 seasons should be enough for people to see this “bromance” is just temporary in order for survival, and there’s a lot more going on underneath. It’s all an act. Eric doesn’t and never will trust Bill.

  5. Dark Defender says:

    Oh, and the quote of the night. “you’re both to hot to be goo” or something like that. ;)

  6. Gertrude says:

    I’m getting annoyed by TV reviewers with no attention span. “At last those Pam flashbacks served a purpose.” At last? It was a couple of scenes in two episodes — was it really so hard to endure?

  7. P says:

    “But There’s a Twist (Natch)!”
    UGH I hate how the people at E!ONLINE use “Natch!” in basically every post! Why are you using it too Andy? Do you really use that word in real life? Is it E!Online’s fault?

    • Erin says:

      Yes! Or when anyone uses words like ‘relaysh’ or ‘fave’ or ‘amazeballs’. Ugh! You are professional writers, people, not twelve year olds. Act like it

  8. BrianR says:

    You left out the part where Sookie fairy blasted Pam!

  9. yanez says:

    “Whatever I Am You Made Me”, is the perfect title for this episode. This episode was fast paced and interesting all the way through and all the story lines moved forward perfectly. Another thing the writers did correctly this episode is gave the right amount of time to each stroyline in order of importance. Starting with Tara: I’m definitely loving her new story line. I know people seem to hate her because of her characters past actions as a human but I really think the character will evolve. I’m especially looking forward to her scenes with Eric..and the bond that will grow between her and Pam. HA! that Salome is quite the HO! Three vamps in one episode back to back. LOL! The Debbie Pelt story was handled well this episode. Sookie telling Alcide about killing Debbie, not sure that was so smart. Andy’s butt being plastered all over facebook…HILARIOUS! Even Terry and Arlenes story got just enough time and moved forward enough without boring me to death….and poor Hoyt, he’s just so lost. Jason realizing where his sex habit came from, Jessica meeting her first fairy, and Newlin becoming the new “Nan” could all turn into decent story lines. P.S. I’m pretty sure Newlins going to fall in love with Russell Egdington and become a “Sanguinista” (just a guess). So all in all, Jessica turned Hoyt into a fangbanger with black eyeliner, Eric turned Pam into the kind of vamp that can’t turn her back on her own progeny, Erics interference in whatever Bill and Lorena were doing in Pam’s brothel made Bill power hungry, Jason’s old teacher made him crave sex all the time, and Jesus’ demon is alive and well inside Lafayette. Piss him off and he’ll poison your food with bleach. Overall: well written show, cant wait until next week.

  10. S says:

    I loved this episode. I love vampire Tara don’t care about you haters whatever and loved Sam having scenes with Tara and Sookie and all them again. I loved Pam and Eric flashbacks well all of it really def looking forward to next episode and now have more hope for S5 :)

  11. Olive says:

    This episode and the last episode were both snoozers.

  12. Rusty says:

    If the poor quality of writing continues…this could be the last season. My guess is that no-one knows what to do. What are there? 10 or 12 subplots going on. Too many to keep up with or I should say so poorly wrote to bother with. They have gone so far off from the books.
    Please kill off Tara. Have Pam realize that she can’t handle being a maker and have Pam stake her. Enough of the Fae land ties. Drop the Hoyt story and Terry with the war flashbacks, Either kill them off or just pass them by. Now we have the sheriff going back on V, boy what a surprise there. It would be tolerable if there was a tie in somehow but everything is going off at all angles. Thank god for the fast forward button on the DVR!

    • Shaun says:

      Claude is actually a pretty interesting Fae….too bad Claudine wasn’t portrayed well either.

    • BBussey says:

      You mean, it could be *your* last season. The ratings are strong as is the current storyline, and the show is not a rehash of the books. Exploring the Authority and vampire politics is an excellent decision, and there always are a number of storylines that develop over the course of the season. This isn’t a show for short attention spans or casual viewing.

  13. icywinter2 says:

    The episode was bizarre like always, but interesting. Pam’s backstory and oh yes, I was so happy when Meloni went shirtless, but he needed a longer scene. I do suspect that Salome’s agenda is just for sex. Something tells me she’s not going to be really usefull, when it comes to Roman and the other finding Russell.

  14. Lynn says:

    Please somebody wake me up when this season starts to get good! #Yawnfest

  15. Michael says:

    True Blood is my favorite show, but all these individual story lines need to come together soon somehow. There seems to be almost 0 interaction going on between the characters, and I have to agree, just kill Tara off. So tired of her. Lafayette used to be one of my faves, and he has gotten annoying too.

    • tvdiva says:

      I agree that with all the subplots you need a road map and a supernatural phone directory. Most of the cast members say they never see each other except when they do a table reading. I mean when was the last time we saw Sookie work a week in Merlotte’s? Lafayette has got to get is macho back soon. Depressed Lafayette is no fun to watch.

  16. holly says:

    I have to wonder what Sookie using her microwave fingers on Pam is going to cause Pam to do .. She must wonder what the hell? I don’t think Eric ever told her anything of Sookies powers. Glad she remembered the story Eric Told her of the obligation of a maker to the baby. She was just cruel to leave Tara. I am still a bit confused on the Salome, Nora Bill Eric twist. I will have to rewatch

    • tvdiva says:

      Pam knew about Sookie’s powers. Remember when she talked about her fairy vag? Salome has some serious mental issues. Remember, her mother gave her as a tween to her uncle/father in law to do with what he wanted. Salome has no conception of what love is, just what sex is. So her relationship with Roman to me is about power and nothing else.

  17. Patricia says:

    This was a good episode they get better as they go along. I’m loving Chris Meloni and the bromance that’s forming between Eric and Bill. When they were getting their new gear omg can Eric get any hotter his pants were so low, that sexy v I could stare at that all day long. For s

    • icywinter2 says:

      Me too, I was so happy when Meloni went shirtless. Man is very sexy. ..

      • tlbrownlie says:

        This! Only time i’ve ever shouted at the tv to stop stop talking and let him turn his shirt off already

        • icywinter2 says:

          I did that also, then he took off his shirt I yelled,” Holy Meloni!” I was just way too hyped up, wanting him to take off his shirt.

      • ChrisGa says:

        Chris Meloni is one of the hottest men to ever step in front of a television camera. I know everyone goes on ad nauseum about Alex Skarsgard and Ryan Kwanten–they’re both model gorgeous and I actually think they’re both hot, especially Kwanten–but Meloni is just one sexy grown ass man. I’d take him over anybody on that show any day of the week.

  18. Patricia says:

    Ugh stupid phone I was saying for some reason I’ve tolerated Tara up to this point but her story line is just painfull are we gonna have to watch her be angry vampire all season I don’t care about Tara just kill her and be done with it.

  19. tvdiva says:

    I am so glad we finally got to see why Bill/Lorena and Pam/Eric did hated each other. That was even before Pam was vamped! That was a great scene. Steve Newlin standing under a light that looked like a halo was hilarious. And poor Jason not wanting sex to fill his empty heart was priceless. I think Pam it going to take a liking to being a maker and to Tara. Tara is a smart woman. The writers have got to stop making her whine and holler so much.

  20. The scene with Tara coming out of the walk-in last night was brilliant. She made it clear she remembers everything and ain’t thrilled with Laf and Sook.

  21. fudgefase says:

    I’m thinking jase is

  22. Mason says:

    Make that Strauss, not Wagner…

  23. Mikael says:

    I loved seeing Lorena again!

  24. Danielle H says:

    TOO many story lines…. when we only have 20 secs a piece to devote to everything you know it’s getting bad!

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