True Blood Season Premiere Recap: Were You Shocked By the Big Twist?!

True Blood Season 5 PremiereThose of you who haven’t already seen the season premiere of True Blood will probably want to heed this ginormous SPOILER ALERT! warning and put off reading this recap until you have. The rest of you, fangs out and dive in!

The fifth season of True Blood didn’t just hit the ground running, it hit the ground sprinting. Seriously, in the first 60 minutes of HBO’s monster smash, so much happened, so quickly, that a scorecard wouldn’t just have been helpful, it should have been mandatory. Luckily, a scorecard is exactly what this recap is. Let’s start with the biggest twist:

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Tara Gets Her Vamp On | Picking up where last season’s finale left off, Sookie was trying to keep her BFF’s blown-out brains from oozing out of her head when Pam popped in to offer an apology to Eric, who was off cleaning up a mess of his own (more on that later). Seizing the opportunity to save her gal pal, Sookie tells the vamp that she’ll owe her one — a powerful half-fairy “one,” even — if she turns Tara. With about as much enthusiasm as you’d expect from Pam, she complies, even going so far as to don a “Walmart sweatsuit” to spend the night with her progeny in a shallow grave. The next evening, though at first it appears Tara isn’t going to rise, much less rise and shine, she eventually does. Unfortunately, she seems about as thrilled by her new lease on life as the Slayer was when she was yanked out of heaven in Buffy’s sixth season.

Twisted Sister | After Eric further cements his status as every woman’s dream man by tidying up after Nan’s murder — at light speed, no less! — he and Bill are captured by the Authority. Once they’ve escaped — did anyone think they wouldn’t? — it’s revealed that one of their captors is none other than Eric’s “sister,” Nora, another Godric progeny, this one with a Kate Beckinsale accent, a hoity-toity position within the Authority and a fondness for boning her brother. She’s all but done setting up the unlikely tag team with new identities — Eric’s is the oh-so-sexy Ike Applebaum! — when the lot of them are captured by the Authority!

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A Hairy Situation | In the wake of Marcus’ demise, Sam is so determined to protect not only Luna and Emma but also Alcide — who, you’ll recall, actually put the wolfman in the pet cemetery — that he “confesses” to the killing. Just when it’s looking like Marcus’ mother, Martha (try saying that three times fast!), is going to make a Scooby snack of Sam, Alcide arrives and bravely sets the record straight.

Look Who’s Stalking | No sooner has Reverend Steve promised not to glamour Jason than that’s exactly what he’s done, so that he can drape a red, white and blue afghan over the naked hunk and confess without being interrupted that he’s a) sorry he got “all murderous and whatnot,” b) “a gay vampire-American,” and c) in love with him. Rebuffed, the newly-minted blood-sucker appears ready to force the issue when in comes Jessica, in her favorite Red Riding Ho get-up to save the day… but, she eventually makes it clear to Jason, not in a boyfriend/girlfriend kinda way.

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In Passing | Alcide alerts Sookie to Russell’s return; Jesus’ body goes missing; Andy and Holly get caught in bed by her teenage sons, Wade and Rocky; Andy agrees to fix a speeding ticket for sleazy Judge Clements; Patrick reveals to Terry that mysterious fires have been claiming the lives of their fellow Iraq veterans; and what looks like a possible suicide attempt by Lafayette… turns out just to be a makeover: He doesn’t take a razor to his wrists, he uses it to shave his head.

So what did you think of the season premiere? Have you caught your breath yet? Were you surprised that Tara was turned into a vampire? Relieved? Disappointed? Vote in our poll and then sound off in the comments!