Vampire Diaries Stefan Valerie

Vampire Diaries Recap: The Ex Games

“I just spent the day reliving Stefan’s first time. I really don’t feel like talking about my dead mother with my hostage taker.”

If that left-hook of a response from Caroline to Lily doesn’t perfectly sum up Thursday’s Vampire Diaries, I don’t know what would. Poor Car spent most of the hour listening to Valerie detail her courtship with Stefan, which proved far more torturous than last week’s literal stab-fest.

Here’s what we found out: Not only did Valerie swipe Stefan’s V-card and refer to herself as the “first love of [his] life,” but she was also — wait for it — temporarily pregnant with his child! While I’m in no way happy that Lily’s lover Julian sucker punched Valerie in the baby maker, I am glad that the show isn’t going down the ‘Stefan has a secret child’ road. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Caroline was understandably bummed upon her eventual release from Chez Heretic, but Stefan did his best to calm her nerves. He pulled out every line in the book: “I was just a kid,” “I don’t care about the past” and whatever else vampires say to their girlfriends to convince them they’re not still in love with their hybrid witch exes. But unlike sweet, forgiving Caroline, I’m not buying that the #Stalerie ‘ship has sunk just yet; when the two reconvened this week, you could cut the sexual tension with a damn Traveler Knife.

Elsewhere this week…

SON OF THE BEACH | Damon, Alaric and Bonnie’s hunt for Lily’s missing heretic led them to Myrtle Beach, where they made fast friends with a delightful stoner named Oscar. (Seriously, folks, wasn’t he delightful?) But like most friendships on TVD, things turned sour when Oscar realized the gang had an ulterior motive for their visit. From the moment the words “Phoenix Stone” were uttered, the entire visit degenerated into a haze of shouting and shooting and magical-headache inducing, finally ending with Oscar’s life being traded back to Lily in exchange for Elena’s body. (I imagine that’s how Vampire Wall Street would work, were it such a thing.)

CAN EVERYBODY JUST STAY DEAD? | With the Stone still in his possession, Alaric opened up to Bonnie about his plan to revive Jo — a plan that, for obvious reasons, would require a little Bennett-brand elbow grease. As Kat Graham previewed to TVLine, Bon-Bon was “compassionate” in her response, making sure Alaric knows what the hell he’s actually getting them into. (Spoiler alert: Alaric has no idea what the hell he’s actually getting them into.)

Of course, Operation: Bring Back Jo might prove to be a total bust anyway, as Lily apparently hopes to use the Phoenix Stone to revive Julian, the filthy dick-bag of a man who killed Stefan and Valerie’s unborn child. Um… I’ll give you one guess which person want them to bring back.

ALSO… | I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least acknowledge that Bonnie totally saw Damon’s D when he threw off his towel in front of her. That is all.

Your thoughts on this week’s TVD? Are you starting to see the cracks in Stefan and Caroline’s future? Drop a comment with your review of the episode below.