UnREAL Recap: Great British Fake Off?

UnReal Rachel Adam Sex Recap

That thing we’ve known was going to happen between UnREAL‘s marvelous mess of a producer Rachel and its British bachelor Adam finally does in this week’s episode — and the reasons behind the long-simmering hookup are as multifaceted as the diamond in Quinn’s humungous engagement ring.

About that last part: That’s right — even though Chet is a walking, talking bag of NO with zero impulse control and a bum ticker, Quinn tearfully agrees to be the future ex-Mrs. Wilton. (Oh, you know that’s where that relationship was headed, even before the final few minutes of the hour.) But what do self-described “manipulative bitches” Rachel and Quinn have in mind for the upcoming final two episodes of the season? Let’s see if we can’t suss it out as we review “Two.”

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SPIN(OFF) CITY | Rachel lingers in Adam’s bed the morning after they slept (in the literal sense of the word) together; he’s rubbing her feet, they’re talking about embarrassing sex stories and it’s very sweet until he hints that he’d prefer her company to any of Everlasting‘s Barbie dolls. After a noncommittal smile, she skedaddles… and runs right into Jeremy, who wants to talk about their gear-truck hook-up. Too bad, Jer: Quinn beckons!

In the edit bay, the EP demands that the doom and gloom surrounding Mary’s death be done: They need romance, and they need to determine an eventual winner. Pretty much everyone agrees that Grace will best her competition, but Quinn stresses that they still need a good race. Rachel unconvincingly argues that Anna would be a great winner, because she’s smart and classy and Adam isn’t as shallow as he seems. “According to nobody but you,” Quinn snarks.

Just then, Chet’s pregnant wife Cynthia shows up, understandably irked about being dumped via phone the night before. She pours herself a drink, and when Chet protests, she scoffs, “At my age, 50/50 it’s a flipper baby, anyways.” GUYS. THIS SHOW! When she threatens to take him for everything he’s worth, Chet calmly offers another avenue: $50 million for her to end the marriage quietly, quickly and without the involvement of lawyers. She agrees. And later, when Chet and Quinn pitch a wedding-related spinoff to Brad the Network Executive via video call — and he approves, as long as Grace is the Everlasting winner (“She’ll bring in the Telemundo crowd.”) and there’s a two-hour wedding special — everything looks hunky dory.

That is, until Quinn and Chet discuss the idea with the potential newlyweds. Grace is all in (to no one’s shock), but Adam refuses: He signed on for one year, and that’s that. “Go find yourself another patsy,” he angrily tells Chet.

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RACH ON THE CASE | Chet is many slovenly things, but stupid is not one of them. So he enlists “Limey whisperer” Rachel to change Adam’s mind, dangling an executive-producer-ship of the spinoff as an enticement. (Side note: I have issues with the spinoff’s title: Royal Love. First, if you’re going to go that route, the Fug Girls already one-upped you with the title of their fantastic latest novel, The Royal We. Second, ADAM IS NOT ROYALTY. It is possible to be British and not be of royal descent. So the title is incredibly inaccurate — though not, upon closer consideration, any less accurate than Everlasting. Carry on.)

UnReal Rachel Adam Sex RecapRachel demurs for all of three seconds before she launches into Operation: Choose Anna. This manifests as “romantic” spa dates that turn into debacles. Shamiqua lectures Adam on inappropriately touching her tush during a massage. Faith’s sensual mud session turns into a giggle-filled filth fight. And Grace wigs out as spa attendants pour “cedar enzyme bath” (read: dirt) on her, because “Where I come from, being buried alive is no joke” (?), which leaves Anna’s tantra session as the date to beat… until Adam realizes that she’s gunning to replace Grace in the spinoff, and he stalks off in disgust.

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CHANGE OF HEART | When Rachel won’t let up with the hard sell, Adam realizes she’s got a horse in this race and gets her to admit that she wants to be the Royal Love showrunner. But his refusal throws her to the point that she needs a life-threatening hot rod ride (not a euphemism) with Chet and a verbal slap from Quinn to remind her how to get what she wants.

Rach’s new plan: Adam picks and proposes to Anna, they spend a year dating and appearing on a show called Royal Renovations — in which his vineyard is completely refurbished — and then they break up when the season is done and he gets to keep his beloved wine property without the Everlasting taint, er, brand plastered all over it.

And just like that, Adam is in. He ditches Shamiqua at that episode’s ceremony — which means Jay is done as a producer for the season, too — and has a steamy kiss with Anna while Grace fumes in the background.

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LIP SERVICE | Quinn watches the whole thing from the edit bay in a cloud of joy; earlier in the ep, Chet proposes to her via a romantic on-set dinner and, despite the fact that his proposal involves the phrase “It’s your turn now,” she agrees. But that gigantic diamond ring clearly doesn’t come with a guarantee, because at the end of the hour, she finds him receiving a BJ from her PA (Pippa!) in a storage room. But Chet doesn’t see Quinn, who stashes the ring in her safe (while retrieving a flash drive — this is the first we’ve seen of it, yes?) and then rushes to tell him that she wants to be married as soon as his divorce papers clear. What are you planning, Quinn my queen?

In other news we all saw coming a mile away, Jeremy broke it off with Lizzie because she is so one-dimensional and boring he’s got a thing for Rachel. But when Jeremy shares that news with Rach, her reaction can best be described as inscrutable. And when Jeremy knocks on her equipment-truck door later that evening for a little celebratory nookie… Rachel is in Adam’s bed, sans clothing this time, saying “Cheerio” to his Little Britain.

Yes, she needs him to be all in (pun intended) for her to have her “dream” of executive-producing her own show. Yes, he is probably using her to get his winery back. And yes, he once pounded a cougar while Mr. Cougar watched. But even with all of these factors, Adam seems like a far more interesting (and well-matched) partner for our Rachel than Señor CargoShorts. So why do I have the niggling fear that he is completely playing Rachel? Am I crazy for thinking so?

Now it’s your turn. What did you think of the episode? Sound off in the comments!  

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