Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 15, 2017

"I'll wait here for my Cherry Coke Zero."

"In the meantime, would Your Holiness care for regular Diet Coke?"

"Oooh, let's not utter heresies, Domen. It's death to settle for things in life."

The Pope (Jude Law), rejecting a substitute soda from Domen (Daniel Vivian)

"Raquel keeps my life together, OK? She makes sure that my bed is made every morning. She makes my cucumber and my, like, vegetable slices for lunch... And cheese pasta. I have tried so many times to make cheese pasta, and I can't make cheese pasta like her."

24-year-old adult woman Corinne sings the praises of her nanny Raquel (not her kids' nanny — her nanny)

"We're different. Too different."

"Well, as a wise man once said, 'Opposites attract.'"

"I believe that was an animated cat in a music video."

When it comes to Lucifer's (Tom Ellis) pursuit of Chloe (Lauren German), MC Skat Kat makes for a lousy wingman

"On Thursday, an inaugural concert featuring 3 Doors Down, Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith was held in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It was the second-worst live performance Lincoln has ever attended."

"McDonald's has announced that it will be offering two new versions of the Big Mac, one for each type of diabetes."

"If I'm following everything you said, our terrorist doesn't want to kill the people of New York. He just wants to give them a bad case of the runs."

"Actually, 'bad' might be an overstatement..."

"Less Montezuma's Revenge, more Montezuma's Office Prank."

Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller) and Joan (Lucy Liu) put the city's "viral" sensation in perspective

"You are not a homophobe! You love white wine!"

Clive (Matt Oberg), reassuring Pat that homophobia isn't the reason he dislikes son Kenny's new boyfriend

"You killed a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. You tried to kill the Director with exploding bullets. They don't sell those at Walmart, yet."

Daisy (Chloe Bennet) wants to know where an assassin does his shopping

"That's just the way it works in L.A. For these girls to live in L.A.... and never have been on a private jet? I don't understand it. I mean, ask any bitch who's not ugly, with t—ts."

SUR hostess Lala explains the perks of being an attractive young woman in Los Angeles

"Seen the new Star Wars film yet, The Empire Strikes Back? It's got a real twist for an ending."

"Life has enough twists."

Dr. K (Gerald McRaney) informs his son Peter (Mike Bradecich) that he's not as big a fan of twists as his own show is

"It's not a morgue. It's a motel."

With resurrections now considered not impossible but "unlikely," Harvey (Donal Logue) calls a time of death on the term "dead"

"Mike, I hear you have an interesting hobby..."

"I'm 1999 Staten Island Pokémon champion."

Stop it, Mike — you're killing us!

"He is alert and in good spirits."

"That doesn't sound like Severide."

After Boden (Eamonn Walker) updates the firehouse on Severide's condition, Casey (Jesse Spencer) takes a poke at his typically broody pal

"Feel free to look up my criminal record. I served 10 months for counterfeiting perfect copper mine deeds."

"Couldn't... be prouder."

Veronica (Lea Thompson) shows off her "resume" in front of daughter Paige (Katharine McPhee)

"It's nice to think that you grew up in this room and now your daughter is going to, as well."

"I hope she has the same amount of sex in it that I did: None."

Raj (Kunal Nayyar) and Howard (Simon Helberg) discuss what it will (presumably) be like for Halley to grow up in her father's childhood bedroom

"I remember signing our first relationship agreement."

"You seem to be forgetting the 'no nostalgia' clause."

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) has no patience for Amy's (Mayim Bialik) trip down memory lane

"I'll have the 'Randy.'"

"The who?"

"Randy from Home Improvement. You know, Jonathan Taylor Thomas."

"Is that one person or three people?"

"One, but with the talent of three."

Evan (Ian Chen) fills Louis (Randall Park) in on his JTT-inspired haircut choice

"America, you have to get used to the fact that you've elected a reality-star president, and you should know a publicity still when you see one. Donald Trump was just promoting tomorrow's premiere of the 45th season of the TV show President... It's also the final season, by the way, but that's a separate subject."

"Why do you have a pager?"

"I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you."

CC (Idina Menzel) is impatient with an ingenue

"What?! I thought I left the USSR!"

"I thought I left Fresno!"

CyberMart's employees react to Deirdre's "no sodas and confections" policy

"I'm not talking to you!"

"And I'm not talking to you."

"Fine."

"Double fine!"

"I taught you that!"

"And I taught you everything else."

"Then why don't I know anything?!"

Fingers crossed for a GMW revival, if only to find out why Eric (Will Friedle) and Feeny (William Daniels) aren't speaking to each other

"Marriage is a door that opens onto both heaven and hell, and maybe... the greatest happiness is found by lingering on the threshold for as long as possible."

Cotton (Seth Gabel), offering marital advice to newlyweds Hathorne and Mercy

"He ain't gonna let my fat ass get on Dancing With the Stars — Tom lost."

Mama Doris, breaking a three-way tie to name Tom Bergeron the week's loser

"I feel as if the entire alphabet is after us."

Hetty (Linda Hunt) learns that the CIA — in addition to the LAPD, ATF, DEA and FBI — is targeting her team