Quotes Of The Week For Oct. 1, 2017

WILL & GRACE

"He doesn't like Madonna."

"He should be beaten with a VHS copy of Evita."

Will (Eric McCormack), revealing the one thing about his young date that Jack (Sean Hayes) can't overlook

WILL & GRACE (Bonus Quote!)

"I want a raise."

"You mean a mood elevator?"

Grace (Debra Messing), drawing the only logical conclusion to Karen's (Megan Mullally) request

THIS IS US

"Where you going? The show's about to start."

"It's OK — Kevin says these things can take hours."

"Yeah, but you... Did you say hours? Did you say hours? We're gonna be watching The Manny for hours?"

Beth's (Susan Kelechi Watson) worst nightmare has come true

THE MIDDLE

"I need the TV ASAP. I gotta binge-watch 13 Reasons Why, and I'm only up to the fourth reason. I've got a bad feeling about it, but I'm gonna stick with it, 'cause I think it has a happy ending."

Sue (Eden Sher), trying to cram a whole summer vacation into two days

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Imagine if I walked through that door and told you I was your son."

"That would be a kicker."

Henry (Andrew J. West) and Roni (Lana Parrilla) are closer to the truth than they know

ONCE UPON A TIME (Bonus Quote!)

"You're the Alice? From Wonderland?"

"And other places! [Sighs] You have one weird trip and it's all anyone knows about you."

Lesson learned — don't pigeonhole this Alice (Rose Reynolds)

THE GIFTED

"Did you get any sleep?"

"Some. But I think you might be a mutant, too, with some sort of snoring ability."

Hmm, does that make Caitlin's (Amy Acker) husband Reed a Zzzzz-Man?

FRESH OFF THE BOAT (Bonus Quote!)

"Are you ready, son?"

"Is The Secret World of Alex Mack the best show on television? [off his father's confused look] It is. I'm ready, Dad."

Damn right it is, Emery (Forrest Wheeler)!

FRESH OFF THE BOAT

"She started watching when she was pregnant with Eddie. That's why all our names start with E. It's her favorite vowel."

Evan (Ian Chen) explains Jessica's Wheel of Fortune obsession

KEVIN (PROBABLY) SAVES THE WORLD

"So I'm supposed to go around hugging strangers? Should I just register as a sex offender now or...?"

"You know what a hug is, right?"

Kevin (Jason Ritter), after celestial guide Yvette (Kimberly Hebert Gregory) tells him he's supposed to anoint the other righteous souls with an embrace

LUCIFER

"Partner name and badge number!"

"For goodness sake.... Detective Decker. I'm afraid I don't know her badge number, but I say with certainty she's a 34B, if that helps?"

[Cop, moments later] "Checks out!"

"Well, of course it does. I'm never wrong when it comes to cup size."

Lucifer (Tom Ellis) has Chloe's number — or at least, one of them

LUCIFER (Bonus Quote!)

"It's quite simple — it's just snip, snip and Bob's your uncle."

"Yeah, and God's your father, Lucifer. And things are never simple with Him."

Dr. Linda (Rachael Harris) refuses to scrub in (even if she was the kind of doctor!) for Lucifer's wing-ectomy

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

"I shot a porno constipated. I ran a 5K marathon constipated. I was in a hot dog-eating contest constipated... and I still f—king won."

Leon (J.B. Smoove) tells Larry all the things he's been able to accomplish while feeling a little, uh, backed up

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

"Champagne and beef jerky? This is like New Year's at Ted Nugent's house!"

Gail (Mary Steenburgen) takes stock of the survivors' food supply

THIS IS US (Bonus Quote!)

"They need me to fill in tonight. Their singer got strep throat."

"That is awesome! I knew strep throat had a purpose! Good for strep throat!"

Toby (Chris Sullivan) celebrates the infectious disease that gave Kate (Chrissy Metz) a career opportunity

GREAT NEWS

"I'm on the board of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter and Westworld. I can do whatever I want to your followers. Even worse than what I do to those robots. And I do some messed-up stuff... stuff where I'm the boy."

Diana (Tina Fey) asserts her dominance over Portia — and scares us a little

DANCING WITH THE STARS

"If I could just address kids watching: If you're going to school and you see somebody who's different? Don't be an ass."

Tom Bergeron has a message for the country's bullies, after Victoria Arlen performs a quickstep inspired by peers who made fun of her in school

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"So, umm... O.J., is that a nickname?"

Amelia (Gal Gadot) is revealed to be on a Bumble date with O.J. Simpson

THE GOOD PLACE

"Oh no! I died... in Cleveland?!"

Tahani (Jameela Jamil) is more shaken up by the location of her death than the cause itself

SUPERSTORE

"I went to the movie Saw thinking it was about carpentry. It is not. I threw up in my lap!"

Glenn (Mark McKinney) describes a traumatic movie-going experience