Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 1, 2017

"Tequila opens up your pores."

"It opens up more than that."

Ice T knows well of tequila's other powers, aside from an ingredient for facials

"He's a simple man. I once watched him eat electrical tape right off the roll. He thought it was a Fruit by the Foot that had gone bad."

Eleanor (Kristen Bell) shares a heartwarming memory of the lovably dense DJ Jason

"It's a dolphin."

Alexis (wrongly) insists that her shark costume is actually a dolphin costume... and continues to do so throughout the night

"We joined together to fight evil."

"To fight evil?"

"Yes. Demons, horsemen of the apocalypse, the ongoing success of shows about real housewives. You know, evil."

Ichabod (Tom Mison) all but flips a table while relating his years with Abbie to his mysterious captor

"Winston! That was the least Fonzie move ever. That was borderline Chachi!"

Schmidt (Max Greenfield) takes a swipe at Winston for fixing breaking the bar's jukebox

"God is a ludicrous fiction dreamt up by inadequates who abnegate all responsibility to an invisible magic friend."

"Yeah, but there will be cake."

Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) objects to being a godfather to John and Mary's daughter, but John (Martin Freeman) has a strong counterargument

"We've got waters here. One is free, and one is eight dollars."

Hotel concierge Richard (Fred Armisen) introduces a guest to the room's confusing bottled water selection

"No, it was octopus. It was the night we met. I wouldn't forget."

"You know what, I am so sick and tired of men always changing a woman's narrative. Just like Joan of Arc!"

Louis (Randall Park) and Jessica (Constance Wu) disagree about what kind of seafood gave them food poisoning the night they met

"This guy's not even Japanese. His name's Pedro."

"All right, well, Hamilton wasn't Puerto Rican, but people seem to be enjoying that just fine."

When her nephew (Thomas Barbusca) calls the hibachi joint a "poor person's restaurant," Mackenzie (Kaitlin Olson) references Broadway's biggest musical

"No s—t, Benedict Cumberbatch."

"What? What does he got to do with this?"

"Sherlock. 'No s—t, Sherlock.' It's a saying. Oh my God, I do not have time for this!"

Jules (Eliza Bennett) fails to get Ophelia's (Taylor Dearden) reference

"Oh, it's the Groupon I bought for the Orson Escape Room. You guys, this expires today and I already paid for it, so we have to go."

"What's an escape room?"

"You go to this place with a team, and they lock you in a room. It has some kind of theme, and you have to solve these puzzles and clues to get out."

"I think the fact that we still live here proves that we're no good at escaping things."

Mike (Neil Flynn) makes an astute point when Frankie (Patricia Heaton) suggests a family activity

"I'm a cocktail waitress on the Mississippi River. This is a worse vacation than the one with Ed Helms in it."

Caroline (Beth Behrs), stunned by the awfulness of her road trip misadventure with Max

"Look at you — the devil is afraid."

Homicidal Katheryn (Renee Lawless), scaring the hell out of big, bad Veronica