Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 22, 2017

"Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. And I'm in trouble for napping."

Noted sleep expert Corinne cites historical precedent to defend her frequent snooze breaks

"It was discouraging! It was like, 'Nick, come on... haven't you handled some teats?'"

Jaimi, reacting to the single guy's ineptitude at milking a cow

"I'm with her."

"I was, too, along with the rest of the popular vote."

Jane's conscience sets up our narrator (Anthony Mendez) for the perfect election joke

"Ma'am, I'm sure you have some security clearance, but I need you to know this is a high-level operation. This is my team and I'm in charge here—"

"No, I don't have 'some' security clearance, I have all of it. No, this isn't 'a' high-level operation, it's the high-level operation. No, this isn't your team, it's mine. No, you are not in charge. You were in charge, I am in charge now. If you have questions or concerns, I suggest you take those up with your boss, who can take them up with his boss, who can take them up with my boss. Guess who my boss is? I'll give you a hint. His office is a big oval."

Abby (Darby Stanchfield) plays the chief of staff card, with a fervor!

"Ugh, we are definitely lost. Why did you let me chase a waterfall? You know what TLC says!"

Jess (Zooey Deschanel) freaks out after she and Robbie get lost on a hike

"Check your sell-by date, ladies. Faux lesbian kissing hasn't been taboo since 1994."

Head cheerleader Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch) rolls her eyes at Betty and Veronica's attempt to be "edgy" with a same-sex smooch

"'Tonto' means 'fool' in Spanish. Whoever wrote The Lone Ranger sucks."

Rufus (Malcolm Barrett) to Wyatt, upon meeting the real inspiration for the character

"You look like you've been shot with a love ray."

"Uh....[Whispers] Maggie slept over last night."

"What? Oh my God!"

"Do... do you think everybody can tell?"

Alex (Chyler Leigh) suspects she is literally wearing her lesbian heart on her sleeve

"You know how, on Earth, they rate everything? One star. This is a one star."

Sorry, did you expect Mon-El (Chris Wood) to give Slaver's Moon a glowing review?

"We're stuck in some epic fantasy that likes to behead its heroes halfway through Season 1 — if we even are heroes. We might be comic relief."

Margo (Summer Bishil) has a horrifying epiphany about the gang's Game of Thrones-like situation

"If I let you out and I see any behavior that I find remotely suspicious, I'll put so many bullets in your head that God won't even recognize you."

"I'm an atheist. Fire at will."

We didn't think anyone was immune to Sheriff Stilinski's (Linden Ashby) threats — that is, until Theo (Cody Christian) came along

"Who exactly do you think you're hiding from? You look like Carrot Top and Abraham Lincoln had a baby."

Fugitive David's pal makes a good point about his not-exactly-low-key look

"I'm not going to miss a chance to get out of here just because you're obsessed with Pokémon Go. That game's not even relevant anymore."

Officer Mike Veach (Matt Angel) speaks the truth

"During his inaugural address on Friday, President Trump said, 'The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.' Wow, the good news just keeps coming for 3 Doors Down."

"They must be getting closer to the Holy Lance."

"I'm leaning towards Spear of Destiny."

"I prefer Holy Lance."

"I can't imagine why."

Miss Lance (Caity Lotz) and Nate (Nick Zano) debate the name of their new MacGuffin

"The future of the entire world is at stake. And you're our only hope."

Amaya (Maisie Richardson-Sellers) unwittingly likens young George Lucas to Obi-Wan Kenobi

"We're not trapped out here with you. You're trapped out here with us."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) is a BAMF not to be messed with

"You know, no one likes a smart-ass."

"That hasn't been my experience."

Elena (Natalia Cordova-Buckley) has a charming way of teasing Coulson about his very, very, very slow burn with May

"Sweet gargoyle, bro."

Is it too much to call this Stefan (Paul Wesley) one-liner an instant classic? Because we're totally doing it

"Vince Gilligan, our creator on Breaking Bad, sent out this note that he got... We were allowed to say as many 'bitches' as [we] wanted. We had six 'sh-ts' per year, and then—"

"I had a year like that once... turns out it was too much cheese."

O'Brien can't resist a good poop joke when Aaron Paul details AMC's language restrictions

"I understand that you are the goddess of all creation... But my loyalties are to my patient, your son. Doctor-Devil confidentiality."

Dr. Linda (Rachael Harris) refuses to serve as Charlotte's "messenger"

"You said that dating me was 'the right thing to do.' You basically called me the girl equivalent of wearing a seat belt in a cab."

Sloane (Milana Vayntrub) reminds Kevin of what she overheard

"I'm not lying! I don't know her!"

"Your own mother? Even dogs know the bitch from whence they came."

The Mistress of the West (Ana Ularu) isn't buying what Dorothy is selling

"I don't know whether to kill her or kiss her."

"Well, she's not here right now, so... "

John (Shane West) has mixed feelings about savior Anne; Mary (Janet Montgomery), a romantic solution

"It's confusing, isn't it? I mean, we both agree about what happened, but we disagree about the meaning of the act. Now, if we go with your interpretation of the truth, it's mercy. But if we go with my belief, it's murder."

"It's not open to interpretation."

"Memory can be very faulty, Noah. We all know that."

Gunther (Brendan Fraser) and Noah's (Dominic West) exchange is essentially a discussion about how viewers of The Affair should be wary of trusting any one character's perspective

"Here's how [White House press secretary] Sean Spicer explained 'alternative facts': One weather report says it's going to be cloudy, another says it's going to be light rain — no one lied to you. Yeah, sometimes weather men do disagree on what the weather will be like tomorrow. But not on what it was like yesterday!"

"It's weird, man. She was dead and now she's not."

"That's time travel for you."

"I don't mean Laurel being back is what's weird. It's how you all reacted to it, like it's happened before. [Oliver gives Rene a look] It's happened before?"

"The Lance sisters have a habit of coming back to life."

Rene (Rick Gonzalez) learns from Oliver (Stephen Amell) that Laurel was just upholding a family tradition