Quotes Of The Week For April 22, 2018

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"I'm just saying there are a lot of miles between 'safe' and 'terrorists trying to kill you with automatic weapons every day.'"

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) states his case for leaving NCIS to open a bar/start a family

THE LATE LATE SHOW CARPOOL KARAOKE PRIMETIME SPECIAL

"I'm actually a bit scared. It's like FEUD. They're like Bette Davis and... Tupac. [Off Kunal's look] No, no, no, that's not right." 

"Joan Crawford." 

"Yeah. Like Joan Crawford and Tupac."

Anna Faris and Kunal Nayyar watch James Corden and Allison Janney fight to play The Sound of Music's Maria in Crosswalk the Musical

UNREAL

"We're gonna do this the right way: No more patriarchal bulls—t."

"Sure... but matriarchal bulls—t is still cool, right?"

Quinn (Constance Zimmer) needs to know that Fiona's (Tracie Thoms) vision of a female-driven TV network still has room for mischief

BROCKMIRE

"As of today, we have the number three podcast in America."

"No s—t! Ooh, remind me to ask that Marc Maron how my a— tastes."

Jim (Hank Azaria) lets his newfound podcast fame get to his head

BROCKMIRE (Bonus Quote!)

"Bob Costas did not expect to get pink eye at the Sochi Olympics... but I sure as s—t made that happen."

Jim (Hank Azaria) gives Raj a sense of just how far he'd be willing to go to get back to the Majors

SILICON VALLEY

"Look at you: You've got the hair of Giovanni Ribisi, and the complexion of Timothy Hutton, and the eyes of Joni Mitchell. You're like a Mr. Potato Head of beautiful people!"

Jared (Zach Woods) gives Richard a sweet — yet bizarre — pep talk before he goes on camera

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Twitter thinks you're a bot."

"Why? I am a human! I am a human male!"

Capt. Holt (Andre Braugher) — or, as he's known on Twitter, @5261796d6e6420 — is peeved about his account being flagged

THE VOICE

"Make sure you give me an autograph later on."

"I don't even know what that is."

Claire Crosby, getting her first taste of fame after interviewing Rayshun LaMarr and his teammates

AMERICAN IDOL

"Do you think you can win this?"

"[whispers] If we're honest, no."

Catie Turner answers a producer's question with hilarious humility

GREY'S ANATOMY

"Olivia has a right to be pissed. I was an idiot back then. They used to call me Evil Spawn."

"Evil Spawn? OK, [that's the] last time I complain about Glasses."

Schmitt (Jake Borelli) doesn't mind his nickname nearly so much after learning what Alex (Justin Chambers) was called back in the day

THE OPPOSITION WITH JORDAN KLEPPER

"Wow! I think we're all thinking the same thing: That happened quick! Only 43 years, nearly 60 accusers and two full trials to get justice. I guess it's just that easy. A man can go from free to behind bars in the blink of a half-century. Now, progress is a slippery slope, because if the judicial system starts listening to women this swiftly, what's next? Investigating accusations against other former NBC stars? If this trend continues, Donald Trump might face some serious consequences... in 60 or 70 years."

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"Do you even know who Lady Gaga is?"

"Presumably the wife of Lord Gaga." 

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) remains as pop-culture illiterate as ever

CHAMPIONS

"Who else would give me a job without a diploma? I can't be an escort... I would keep falling in love."

Matthew (Andy Favreau) may be pretty, but he's no Pretty Woman

TIMELESS

"This is quite ex... [Mason vomits]"

"And boom goes the dynamite!"

Mason's (Paterson Joseph) wonder is interrupted by first-time time-travel nausea... and snarky Flynn (Goran Višnjić)

TIMELESS (Bonus Quote!)

"I'm Taylor Swift, this is Agent Timberlake. We're part of the new FBI."

Lucy (Abigail Spencer) introduces herself and Flynn to Robert Johnson and his record producer

FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE

"To recap, Ellen Pompeo is a national treasure. Mike Pompeo is a racist, war-mongering homophobe."

Bee makes sure to differentiate between Pompeos during a segment on the then-potential Secretary of State

ARROW

"You... you have failed this city. And I'm gonna take it back."

Oliver (Stephen Amell) puts dishonorable Diaz on notice

LUCIFER

"What do you... truly desire?"

Dr. Linda (Rachael Harris) turns the tables on Lucifer

SUPERSTORE

"Justine, no one went to your bar crawl because you are unpleasant to be around."

"Unpleasant in bed."

Justine (Kelly Schumann) self-burns to deflect from Dina's (Lauren Ash) brutally honest opinion

ONCE UPON A TIME

"You can't be Lucy's father, because you and I... we never..."

"Maybe... You ever been to Cabo?"

Jacinda (Dania Ramirez) and Henry (Andrew J. West) try to figure out how their baby was made

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"How did I know there would be an 'Alien Invasion' option?"

"You always listen to the whole menu. Always."

Coulson's (Clark Gregg) hasty menu selection threatens to lock up him, May (Ming-Na Wen) and the rest for 15 years!