Quotes Of The Week For April 8, 2018

ROSEANNE

"I am not giving any more money to your organization. And stop with those sad commercials. I cannot enjoy my snacks!"

Roseanne (Roseanne Barr) gets off on the wrong foot with Becky's new dog

NEW GIRL

"Sometimes it just takes dating your cousin for things to really fall into place."

Jess (Zooey Deschanel) has her brief romance with Robby to thank for eventually getting back together with Nick

NEW GIRL (Bonus Quote!)

"Excuse me, I gotta go wash my hands. I've been in Europe."

"Is he suggesting that he hasn't... washed his hands since Europe?"

Nick (Jake Johnson) gives Schmidt (Max Greenfield) a reason to worry about his hygiene

BARRY

"I remember once, Patrick Swayze — a true friend, until we had a falling-out and he had it written into his will that I was barred from his funeral..."

Gene (Henry Winkler) never met a A-list name he couldn't drop 

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"So what's Gary's story? Is he ex-military? Is he former law enforcement? Maybe spent some time as a game show host?"

Callen (Chris O'Donnell) is quick with the cracks at Anna's telegenic new partner

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"You Heimlich'd Scully twice. On the same peanut."

"I also solved a murder."

"Yeah, we all solve murders, but you? You let Hitchcock borrow a pair of your socks, because his somehow disintegrated."

Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) notices all the nice things Terry (Terry Crews) does for the squad

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Wow, so just to recap, the FBI, an organization Trump has attacked for months, raided the office of Michael Cohen, his longtime personal fixer, and seized tax documents, which he has repeatedly refused to release, related to campaign finance violations during the election involving Stormy Daniels, the porn star he allegedly had an affair with, on a referral from Robert Mueller, the special counsel in the Russia investigation. This is like the series finale of a TV show where they try to tie all the different plot lines together. 'Oh, it's Michael Cohen, from Season 1! What's he doing in this episode?'"

SHADOWHUNTERS

"I rose from the dead, I can find an apartment."

Simon's (Alberto Rosende) views on New York City real estate are... cute

TIMELESS

"Flying coach sucks."

Rufus (Malcolm Barrett) warns Flynn (Goran Višnjić) about the nauseating side effects of riding on the life boat vs. the mothership

TIMELESS (Bonus Quote!)

"If she's fantasizing about Puritans, you've got bigger problems, man."

Flynn (Goran Višnjić), after Rufus reveals that Jiya had a premonition of him killing a pilgrim

SCHITT'S CREEK

"I just overheard three women with smoker's coughs talking about Sex and the City — the singles have arrived!"

Moira (Catherine O'Hara), excitedly informing Alexis that Singles Week is underway

SCHITT'S CREEK (Bonus Quote!)

"You're my Mariah Carey."

Patrick (Noah Reid), saying even more than "I love you" to Mimi superfan David

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"I'm sure there will be some drinking, some dancing, and then a mailman will probably show up and take his clothes off..."

"Nicolas is going to take his clothes off?!"

"No, not our mailman. A dancer pretending to be a mailman."

"Impersonating a federal employee? Where's the after party? Prison?"

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) doesn't like the sound of a stripper at Amy's (Mayim Bialik) bachelorette party

SUPERSTORE

"I won't be ditching you as we go home to watch the Hallmark romantic comedy of your choosing — and I won't poke holes in any of the stories."

"Not even if the guy is revealed to be the girl's childhood pen pal?"

"Nope. That's, that's just a... wonderful coincidence."

Jonah (Ben Feldman) bites his tongue after agreeing to watch a Hallmark Channel original movie with Kelly (Kelly Stables) 

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"You're telling me we got our asses handed to us by little green men?"

"They were big. And blue."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) tells Talbot his in-Kree-dible story

LOST IN SPACE (Episode 2)

"It's just like bumper cars. Where everybody dies."

Penny (Mina Sundwall) braces herself to drive the Chariot into a storm in Episode 2

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Turns out I'm next on the Candy Killer's hit list."

"Oh, are you? So how does it feel to finally be chosen before Regina?"

Rumple (Robert Carlyle) zings Zelena

SUITS

"You know I'm not just going to let you keep calling yourself Superman and get away with it, right?"

"Because that leaves you with Aquaman? He can breathe under water... Alright, Harvey, fine, you can still be Batman. Or Green Lantern. Or Wonder Woman. I can keep doing this. How about Hawkman? [Harvey walks away] OK, Silent Man, it is."

Harvey (Gabriel Macht) and Mike (Patrick J. Adams) disagree on their heroic identities

SUPERNATURAL

"'Suddenly I was free, no obligation to God or Heaven or mankind. And so I did what anyone would do: I moved to Monte Carlo and shacked up with porn stars.' [Pauses] He goes on and on for quite a while about porn stars." 

Castiel (Misha Collins) reading what the arch angel Gabriel wrote on the wall

LOST IN SPACE (Episode 3)

"You think it's been hiding on the ship this whole time?"

"It smells like it's been hiding in somebody's butthole."

The fuel-guzzling eel Dad found really stinks, says Penny (Mina Sundwall)

ARROW

"Well, you outdid me. For my science fair project, all I did was hack Napster."

"What's Napster?"

"Ohhhh, I'm getting older by the minute."

Next, Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) will spin yarns about jailbreaking her Zune

YOUNG SHELDON

"What about Caltech in Pasadena?"

"I can't see myself living in California. I don't trust their carefree lifestyle."

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) couldn't see it then, but his guidance counselor made a pretty solid first suggestion

DC's LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"Today is the day that we prove that Rip did not sacrifice his name in vain! Today is the day that we prove that we are not losers. And today is the day that we earn the name Legends. Now... how do we sneak out the back?"

Sara (Caity Lotz) leads a rousing — and very frank — pep talk

DC's LEGENDS OF TOMORROW (Bonus Quote!)

"Oh snap! They got lasers! They beat him with the Care Bear Stare!"

A doped-up Nate (Nick Zano) lays witness to how Amaya's ancestors totem-powered up!

THE FLASH

"We'd make a fortune — an improv group made up of superheroes? We could take it to Washington, we could be the DC Comics."

Sorry, Ralph (Hartley Sawyer), but that name may be taken