Quotes Of The Week For Dec. 3, 2017

LUCIFER

"Granting favors is what defines me. I mean, you wouldn't ask Superman not to fly."

Um, Lucifer, Det. Pierce (played by Smallville alum Tom Welling) may have an opinion on that...

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"I want you to take all your feelings about Martin, and put them in a box. And then I want you to close the box. And then you're going to lock the box."

"Well, that sounds healthy."

Leo (Wentworth Miller) may want to teach Sara about "puppet therapy"

THE WALL

"Sweet baby Jesus... Mary, Joseph... drummer boy, wise men.... What am I supposed to do?"

On a special holiday edition, Victoria says an apropos prayer as she ponders the contract

FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE

"Sixty-two percent of the benefits of this new bill go to the One Percent. It's the most unbelievable transfer of wealth since Roseanne hit the lottery."

THE WALKING DEAD

"So we cover you with crossfire from the upper windows, you crash the truck into the walkers and through to the building?"

"Yep. Crack it open. Savior buffet."

Tara (Alanna Masterson) sums up Daryl's plan to let walkers swarm the Saviors' HQ a little more succinctly — and graphically — than Michonne (Danai Gurira)

THE GOOD DOCTOR

"Dr. Melendez, you have very beautiful hair."

After listening to Kalu kiss up to Andrews, Shaun (Freddie Highmore) attempts to do the same with Melendez

CONAN

"It's so crazy to dream something at night, then it happens the next day."

Conan O'Brien's been having some very strange dreams about Jean-Claude Van Damme

THE GIFTED

"Best girls' night ever."

Lorna (Emma Dumont) and Dreamer steal a Trask guard's memories — and KO him, to boot!

HAPPY!

"My life is an ever-swirling toilet that just won't flush. I don't think I can die."

Nick (Christopher Meloni), explaining why he wasn't scared in the slightest by Smoothie's threats

THE FLASH

"From Oliver and Felicity, we have... an espresso machine."

"OK, not on registry. But I guess getting married during our wedding wasn't on the registry either, so yeah, sure! I'm not bitter."

Iris (Candice Patton) apparently was no fan of the crossover's double wedding

THE FLASH (Bonus Quote!)

"Caity, do you know what I was doing before I became the successful entrepreneur you see before you today?"

"Mean British nanny?"

Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) gets to know better her murderous ex-boss (Katee Sackhoff)

WILL & GRACE

"Eighteen-eighty-eight called — they'd like their drapes back."

In 1912, Karolyn (Megan Mullally) has the same reaction to Fanny's style as Karen does to Grace's

WILL & GRACE (Bonus Quote!)

"He's a sweeper of chimneys... a snake charmer... He only travels by tunnel... "

"What are ya sayin' to me?"

"He's a mustache bumper... He rubs the silverware without a cloth... He plays the flute of the damned... He's a homo!"

Seaman John Patrick (Sean Hayes) all but whips out ye olde thesaurus to explain to Karolyn why it would do her no good to offer her body to her miserly landlord

SEARCH PARTY

"Ohmigod, I can't go to jail! You all know I'll die in jail! They'll resent my bone structure and sparkling personality, and kill me!"

Portia (Meredith Hagner) explains why she's not cut out for incarceration

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"I'm going to need some ground rules. When we're apart, can I see other needy Indian men?"

Howard (Simon Helberg) presses Raj for clarification about their trial friendship separation

THE BIG BANG THEORY (Bonus Quote!)

"That Howard, always making fun of you!"

"Howard doesn't mean anything by it. I think it's cultural. His people come from a very sarcastic village called Brooklyn."

Raj (Kunal Nayyar) defends Wolowitz's mean-spirited jokes to his father (Brian George)

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"We should all get summers off like teachers. Let the city go to purge."

Hitchcock (Dirk Blocker) suggests to Capt. Holt how he could revolutionize the NYPD

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

"I'm your guest host for tonight, Tracee Ellis Ross. Now, I know what you guys are thinking: 'Really? Another black, Jewish, female host of late-night?'"

SUPERGIRL

"J'onn, I do not know why you introduced me to coffee first. This brown water is vastly superior."

J'onn's father (Carl Lumbly) revels in his discovery of hot chocolate

PSYCH: THE MOVIE

"Don't be ridiculous, Juliet would never do a Hallmark movie!"

Shawn (James Roday) may be right about Juliet, although her portrayer, Maggie Lawson, has done... well, let's just say she's done several Hallmark movies

GOTHAM

"How is Jim Gordon beating us?"

"Well, every cop in Gotham is behind him. I'm guessing he has great leadership skills."

Victor (Anthony Carrigan) isn't saying what Penguin needs to hear

HAWAII FIVE-0

"[That's] a very expensive bottle of Champagne, you're drinking it like a wino. You're disgusting, all spitting in the bottle and everything. What's the matter with you?"

"So, I wanna get this straight: You're worried about my cooties now?"

Even while infected with a lethal bio-weapon, Danny (Scott Caan) draws a line at backwash

THE ORVILLE

"Man, if it looks like this going in, I'm afraid of what it looks like coming out!"

Ed (Seth MacFarlane) joins Bortus and Klyden for some perfectly-aged... but suspect-looking... Opsadda

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Orange looks better on the women on that Netflix show."

"My wardrobe has much in common with you, as my daughter. In both cases, I'm stuck with what was thrust upon me."

Ivy/Drizella (Adelaide Kane) pays Victoria/Lady Tremaine/Rapunzel (Gabrielle Anwar) a visit

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Thank you..."

"I had to. You all were pinned to the walls, flailing around like a bunch of Hungry Hungry Hippos." 

"Huh. In my mind, it was cooler than that."

Mack (Henry Simmons) puts the finishing touches on Coulson (Clark Gregg), Tess and May's apparently less-than-elegant overpowering of Grill's grunt