Quotes Of The Week For May 13, 2018

NCIS

"Good work, Abs!"

Oops. Old habits die hard for McGee (Sean Murray)

FEAR THE WALKING DEAD

"I need you alive. If you're alive, this whole world... this whole world feels alive."

John (Garret Dillahunt), confessing to "Laura" why he'd sooner leave behind his cabin than see her venture out into the dangerous world

SUPERNATURAL

"Let me get this right: The ice caps are melting, a movie where a girl goes all the way with a fish wins Best Picture, and that damn fool idjit from The Apprentice is president... And you call where we come from Apocalypse World?"

Alt Bobby (Jim Beaver) has a point...

TIMELESS (Bonus Quote!)

"What, no hug? I'm practically family now."

"Yeah, the creepy uncle."

Rufus (Malcolm Barrett) agrees that Flynn (Goran Višnjić) is like family — but not the good part

TIMELESS

"Come on, Jessica, we're friends. We watched the entire season of Vanderpump Rules together."

Jiya (Claudia Doumit) tries to appeal to the secret Rittenhouse agent who's just kidnapped her

SILICON VALLEY

"Kiss my piss."

Richard (Thomas Middleditch) has a favorite new insult... that probably sounds a lot cooler in his head

ROSEANNE

"I didn't know when the women's movement would end, but now seems like a pretty good time to call it."

The always-sarcastic Darlene (Sara Gilbert) reacts to Becky and Crystal's work attire

BROCKMIRE

"This is beautiful. Why didn't you say any of this to my face?"

"Well, for the dead I have poetry, Charles. For the living? My sincerest apologies."

Jim (Hank Azaria) explains himself after Charles (Tyrel Jackson Williams) reads the heartfelt eulogy he's prepared for him

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Come on, you're like the best husband ever. You're like the Tiger Woods of being a husband. What he was to golf, not what he was to being a husband."

Jake (Andy Samberg) compares Terry to, um, one of the greats

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"IKEA is launching a new credit card that offers rewards and perks for frequent customers, but it is a bitch to put together!"

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"The Gap has issued an apology after printing an incorrect map of China on T-shirts. Luckily, the mistake was caught by every single person who makes T-shirts for Gap."

MODERN FAMILY

"He has two teeth, and I've seen him eat a whole chicken."

Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) describes Cam's freakishly large, 2-year-old nephew

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"These days, 'Trump aide says something awful' really isn't news. It's just an assumed fact — like gravity, or the fact that Young Sheldon will someday grow up and look nothing like Jim Parsons, and then all hell will break loose because the world can't handle an inconsistency like that."

GREY'S ANATOMY

"Oh my God, I knew it!"

"Knew what?

"You're in love with Alex!"

"It's OK, I am not judging. I have suspected it for years, but it's kind of a bad day for the revelation."

Amelia (Caterina Scorsone) jumps to the "logical" conclusion when Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) cops to having the blues on Alex and Jo's wedding day

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"People change, and life changes us, and our one job — really, our only job — is to stay open to possibilities."

April (Sarah Drew), encouraging Arizona not to write off as crazy the notion of reuniting with ex-wife Callie

ONCE UPON A TIME

"It's not fair, Robin... Our story was so short."

"Doesn't make it any less epic."

Regina (Lana Parrilla) and Robin Hood (Sean Maguire) reflect on what should have been

ONCE UPON A TIME (Bonus Quote!)

"Sorry. I'm late."

Emma (Jennifer Morrison) barges in on a royal ceremony involving Snow White and Prince Charming — sound familiar?

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"Is a 'wetsuit tailor' even a real thing?"

"Do I look like a guy that can just walk into a store and buy a wetsuit off the rack? Please."

Callen (Chris O'Donnell) learns about another of Sam's (LL Cool J) very special craftspeople

NCIS: LOS ANGELES (Bonus Quote!)

"You do know how the Alamo ended, right?"

"Sure do, Sundance."

"Butch and Sundance were not at the Alamo."

"I've seen the movie, I think I know."

"OK, you definitely have a concussion."

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) and Kensi (Daniela Ruah) get into a fruitless historical debate

HAWAII FIVE-0

"Here's the situation: Four days ago, there was a mutiny at sea. OK, 33 of the 61 crew members participated with the intent of defecting to the U.S. It all started when a senior officer named Yuri Petrov murdered the captain. Now, the mutiny was put down hours ago, but nobody could find Petrov. It's believed that once the sub reached our shoreline, Petrov escaped through the torpedo bay."

"OK... A) What?!"

McGarrett (Alex O'Loughlin) tells Grover & Co. what he's been up to in Act I

LUCIFER

"You look like you fought 10 people and ran a mile to get here."

"Twelve people. Four miles."

Even bloodied and bruised, Maze (Lesley-Ann Brandt) is one for details

DESIGNATED SURVIVOR

"Are you sure you know the combination?"

"If I didn't, can't you just whip out your liquid nitrogen?"

"Yeah, sure. It's in my shoe right next to my ray gun."

Hannah (Maggie Q) isn't quite James Bond

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"Earlier today, Suits actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma."

GOTHAM

"Oh hey, Bruce. Freak."

Barbara (Erin Richards) already has a nickname for Jeremiah