Quotes Of The Week For March 18, 2018

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

"Good people on both sides."

Cannibal Karl (Fred Armisen) takes a page from Trump's false equivalency handbook by maintaining that not all people eaters are bad

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH (Bonus Quote!)

"The group wanted to be here, but... they really didn't want to be here."

Tandy (Will Forte) explains to Karl why the gang isn't present for his execution

BLACK LIGHTNING

"I know exactly what you're going through..."

"Not unless you came in here to tell me you're Vixen. [Beat] You didn't, right?"

Lynn (Christine Adams) helps Jennifer (China Anne McClain) come to terms with her powers

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"I once stayed in my apartment for three-and-a-half months straight."

"Was that after they cancelled Bunheads?"

"Why would you bring that up?!"

Amy (Melissa Fumero) pours salt in one of Charles' (Joe Lo Truglio) TV wounds

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Bonus Quote!)

"The FBI has developed face-swapping technology!"

"Not interested."

"There's a whole plane full of convicts!"

"Nope."

"On the back of the original Declaration of Independence is a hidden treasure map!"

"Stop."

"But that's the smartest one!"

Try as he might, Jake (Andy Samberg) can't sell Kevin (Marc Evan Jackson) on a Nicolas Cage movie

INSTINCT

"Do you plan on just watching?"

"Oh! I was afraid kicking down the door for you would be disempowering."

Dylan (Alan Cumming) is all for some feminist crime-solving... but seriously, Lizzie (Bojana Novakovic) could use his help with the door

DYNASTY

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bitch."

Talk about a perfect entrance line for Alexis Carrington (Nicollette Sheridan) — and in the middle of a funeral, no less

LUCIFER

"Are you going through something lately...?"

"Other than the band, no."

Dan (Kevin Alejandro) finds Maze (Lesley-Ann Brandt) in the aftermath of a musical menage-a... many

SCORPION

"I haven't seen quicksand since The Princess Bride... Don't fear, Buttercup! I will save you!"

Cabe (Robert Patrick) as Toby's doped-up savior? As you wish.

BLACK LIGHTNING (Bonus Quote!)

"For the record, I voted for you. Both times."

Trading his high-tech goggles for an Obama mask, Jefferson gets a lawyer to sing

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"Good morning, Captain. Where's Mrs. Captain?"

Nate (Nick Zano) knows what/who Sara did last slumber!

UNREAL

"We're gonna blow up this man-bun thing. We're gonna go full Bun-ghazi!"

When Quinn (Constance Zimmer) hears a contestant's man-bun was severed, she sees ratings gold

RIVERDALE

"In honor of Toni joining our squad, I think we should celebrate with a mandatory slumber party at Thistle House. Fancy dressing gowns are appreciated. You've all seen The Beguiled, right?"

Of course Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch) has a very specific dress code in mind for her slumber party

ATLANTA

"I want to be in a committed relationship where I'm valued as a human being, and not as an accessory that you can f—k."

Van (Zazie Beetz) very clearly lays out her romantic criteria for her boyfriend Earn

AMERICAN IDOL

"I know you don't look for excuses, but I go places and I sing 'Firework.' It's, like, my favorite song ever."

"Sing 'Firework'! Because I can barely sing 'Firework.'"

Auditioner Kenedee Rittenhouse offers to sing one of judge Katy Perry's biggest hits... and Perry herself admits it's no easy task

FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE

"Remember how much we used to hate this numbnuts for oopsy-ing us into the [Iraq] war? Thanks to our short attention span and Trump trauma, George W. Bush is now just another early aughts icon ready for a nostalgic reboot — kind of like Gilmore Girls, if Lorelai had ignored Hurricane Katrina and Rory allowed Abu Ghraib to happen. Still not as bad as Season 7."

CHICAGO FIRE

"Referring to me like a candidate changes the way I'm perceived."

"Good morning, gentlemen. Who ordered the limited edition Doctor Who TARDIS Lego set?"

Otis' (Yuri Sardarov) attempt to get his colleagues to take him more seriously doesn't go so well after Connie (the late DuShon Monique Brown) brings his mail

IZOMBIE

"I could cut the sexual tension between you and Ravi with my artisanal cherry wood tomato knife."

"I know Nancy Meyers is holding your brain hostage, so I'm going to let that one slide."

Liv (Rose McIver), on the brain of a rom-com lover, can't help 'shipping Peyton (Aly Michalka) and Ravi while cooking

JANE THE VIRGIN

"Oh, my God, this is so not me! All of it! I don't obsess about what I'm wearing or over-analyze text messages! Or stalk anyone! I get stalked! I've been stalked! Multiple times! I mean, I have been kidnapped twice!"

After she's caught spying on J.R., Petra (Yael Grobglas) brags about being abducted

TIMELESS

"All the memories you have of him are new."

"OK, this is simultaneously giving me a headache and a panic attack."

Rufus (Malcolm Barrett) and Lucy (Abigail Spencer), after discovering Rittenhouse has changed NASCAR history by planting one of its sleeper agents in the past as a driver

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"They're OK, right...? They're gonna be fine?"

"They'll figure it out. Have faith — or a, you know, Xanax."

Daisy (Chloe Bennet) has a prescription for Deke's (Jeff Ward) anxiety over FitzSimmons' future