Quotes Of The Week For March 4, 2018

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Following news that China's President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors this weekend, 'Maybe we'll give that a shot someday.' That's great, but first, why not try being president for a full week?"

VANDERPUMP RULES

"It just feels absolutely amazing to finally spread my legs and be the person that I know I am, musically."

"...You just said spread your legs."

"[Laughs] Spread my wings musically."

An off-camera producer checks to make sure Lala meant to say she was spreading her legs. As it turns out, she did not.

THE VOICE

"I love that shirt."

"You're the only one!"

Kelly Clarkson, after contestant Johnny Bliss gave a thumbs-up to Adam Levine's much-mocked Hawaiian-print top

OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT

"I watched Get Out sitting next to Jeff Sessions. The guy wouldn't stop taking notes, and smiling like he was in a toothpaste commercial."

POTUS (voiced by Jeff Bergman) includes a disturbing anecdote about our Attorney General during his surprise Oscars monologue

GREY'S ANATOMY

"Games have rules, or they're not worth playing. We can't have everything just be chaos. We can't have everything be, like, a void. Can we just like, as people, agree on a code of conduct and follow it? Can we do that so that everything isn't just meaningless? So that we're not just like a race of carnivorous viruses just eating each other and being eaten, and nothing matters, please?!"

April (Sarah Drew), poor April, talking about so much more than Pictionary on game night

WILL & GRACE

"One pound of prosciutto, one pound of mortadella, five types of cheese from mild to stinky, big vat of coleslaw — almost done."

"You ordering a deli platter?"

"Having phone sex with Stan."

Jack (Sean Hayes) walks in during a not-so-sexy phone call between Karen (Megan Mullally) and her husband

YOUNG SHELDON

"If 'the talk' is in regards to human reproduction, I already understand how that works."

"How do you know that?"

"I told him."

Mary (Zoe Perry) is none too pleased to discover that Sheldon (Iain Armitage) has already had the birds and the bees talk... with his twin sister Missy (Raegan Revord)

YOUNG SHELDON (Bonus Quote!)

"I bet when you grow up, you will be surrounded by smart, wonderful friends."

"I can't see that happening."

Sheldon (Iain Armitage) has no idea what his Big Bang future has in store

LOVE

"Wow. Cool vibe on set, Michael Bay!"

Arya (Iris Apatow) mocks Gus for his inappropriate on-set behavior in Episode 8

LOVE (Bonus Quote!)

"Conflict is the cornerstone of any good band — like Metallica, or the Spice Girls."

Mickey (Gillian Jacobs) gives Gus a music lesson in Episode 9

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"I am gonna kick my ass."

Damien Darhk (Neal McDonough) doesn't take kindly to... himself threatening Nora

THE FLASH

"Is this what it looks like when you run?"

"More or less."

"I'd say it's a little uneventful."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) is a tough audience

LUCIFER

"Back up a minute — my brother is in Hell?"

"Yes, of course. In fact, he's our oldest tenant."

"I knew it. Do you know how many times I've tried to tell people — Abel is the asshat. No one believes me."

Did Cain (Tom Welling) really use the term "asshat" even back in biblical times?

ARROW

"Is that my hood? It looks good on you."

Roy (Colton Haynes) thinks Thea fills his suit well

IZOMBIE

"Hello, I'm Detective Babineaux, homicide, and this is Liv Moore. You might remember her as the star of Murder, She Wrote."

Clive (Malcolm Goodwin) introduces his partner, who is on "rich old woman" brains

SUPERNATURAL

"I'm just saying, you're taking a lot of shots to the head lately. I mean, I know that Disney princess hair gives you some padding..."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) is concerned for Sam's well-being... but can't help throwing in a dig at his luscious locks

THE FOSTERS

"His lips are so soft. They're like the inside of a sweater. You know that, like, really fuzzy stuff."

Wait, what, Mariana (Cierra Ramirez)?!

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"I thought we were having a moment...?"

"Just to be clear, you and I have never had a moment. That was just you telling me a story about your very nice mom and an orange."

Be nice, Daisy (Chloe Bennet), that's you-know-who's daughter you're talking about!

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE

"She came for me because I said she was a narcissist. She lunged at me. Thank God for the Mob Wives, they all jumped in [saying], 'Don't hurt Brandi!' But I was taking off my earrings, I was going in."

Brandi Glanville recalls her physical altercation with a former Teen Mom star on the new season of Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars Family Edition. Naturally, her story also involves members of the Mob Wives cast.

THE X-FILES (Bonus Quote!)

"How did you know, Mulder?"

"I... did not see that coming."

Mulder (David Duchovny) is as baffled as Scully (Gillian Anderson) when his digging about a police chief's suspected dabbling in the occult instead prompts the man's tearful confession... about an affair he's having

THE X-FILES

"Mulder, the only devil around here probably parks right here, in front of the playground, stirring something other than his cauldron."

Scully (Gillian Anderson) shoots down Mulder's (David Duchovny) theory that a murderer was a witch and not, as she believes, a pedophile

BLACK LIGHTNING

"Do you expect me to think it only took you two hours to get intel on some thieves on the dark web, but you haven't heard anything — anything — about a six-foot albino in Freeland?!"

Tobias Whale would be hard for Gambi to miss, Jefferson (Cress Williams) argues

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"You are so funny... I loved you on Key & Peele."

"Well, sketch comedy is great, but at some point, you need to move on, ya know?"

[Awkward silence]

Steve Harvey Kenan Thompson, who recently surpassed Darrell Hammond as the longest-serving cast member, goes to a dark place after being confronted by Jordan Peele (Chris Redd)

RIVERDALE

"Oh, that's right: You're new here. Hi! I'm Cheryl Blossom, aka Cheryl Bombshell. Which means I need no reasons. I simply... am. Feel free to tremble."

Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch) knows how to make a strong first impression

MARVEL'S JESSICA JONES

"I never take no for an answer."

"How rapey of you."

Jessica (Krysten Ritter) has no patience for a competing P.I.'s (Terry Chen) forceful job offer in Episode 1

MARVEL'S JESSICA JONES (Bonus Quote!)

"That's it? I'm free to go?"

"Not if I had my way. I think you two are working together. I know how you people like to team up."

In Episode 5, it seems Det. Sunday (Lisa Tharps) has been binge-watching The Defenders! 

THE BACHELOR

"So, what? Do you want to be back with her?"

"I want to see if there's that possibility."

"Are you f—king kidding me?"

Upon hearing that Arie is breaking up with her to go back to Lauren B., Becca has the same reaction as every viewer at home