Quotes Of The Week For June 11, 2017

71ST ANNUAL TONY AWARDS (Bonus Quote!)

"Claire, let's leave and allow them to finish their awards show. [to the camera] I want to get the hell out of here before Bette Midler thanks anyone else."

In a House of Cards-style aside, "Frank Underwood" (Tony host Kevin Spacey) throws shade at Bette Midler's looooong acceptance speech

71ST ANNUAL TONY AWARDS

"I don't know about you, but I'm approaching orgasm."

Backstage correspondent Rachel Bloom is very excited to be among Broadway's biggest stars

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL

"Did you shoot at [Eric's] wife?"

"No, of course not! I've been locked up. I'm rehabilitated. I don't just shoot people anymore!"

"Oh, OK, yeah... Great!"

Katie (Heather Tom), scoffing at the notion of unkillable supervillain Sheila (Kimberlin Brown) turning over a new leaf

IZOMBIE

"It's not just sex, though. No, I mean, it's mostly sex. But she has a lot of other qualities, and I cannot wait to experience whatever those are, as well."

"I'm sure propriety and modesty are high on that list."

"Alright, Carson, just worry about Lady Mary."

Major (Robert Buckley) and Ravi (Rahul Kohli) discuss the former's new sex buddy, which brings out the Downton Abbey fan in Major

NASHVILLE

"That is the sound of the door slamming on my career! Once that door closes, it closes hard! And don't forget that I'm a woman. Our comebacks don't come until we're too old to care."

Wise words from Juliette Barnes (Hayden Panettiere)

NASHVILLE (Bonus Quote!)

"I swear to God, I wish I was having puppies because then I could give one to everybody and we could all go on our merry way."

The stress of co-parenting with Damien and Gunnar is getting to preggers Scarlett (Clare Bowen)

KINGDOM

"Sounds neurological. Like Alzheimer's, or Parkinson's."

"Are you f—king kidding me? 'Like Parkinson's'?"

"It could just be you had a strong cup of coffee."

"Jesus f—king Christ — it's Parkinson's, or I had coffee?! Come on, Mac!

Alvey (Frank Grillo) asks Mac for an on-the-spot diagnosis, hold the sugar

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE

"Bitch, you look like a fish — a whale!"

"Honey, I'm James and the Giant Peach, and I'm not afraid of it. OK?"

"Bitch, you ate James and the giant peach."

Trinity Taylor and Eureka O'Hara's war of words was among the Drag Race reunion's least dignified — and most entertaining — moments

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

"Wait, so, are you two...? Wow, it's about time."

It's official: Hanna (Ashley Benson) is on #TeamEmison

FEAR THE WALKING DEAD

"We're Jewish."

"Cool! We'll do Old Testament!"

Gretchen (Rae Gray), perkily refusing to let Alicia (Alycia Debnam-Carey) turn down her invitation to Bible study

FEAR THE WALKING DEAD (Bonus Quote!)

"I think we can be friends now."

Deranged Troy (Daniel Sharman), after nearly being offed by would-be victim Nick

TWIN PEAKS

"Jade gave two rides!"

"I'll bet she did."

Janey-E (Naomi Watts) has heard more than enough about Dougie's lady friend

TWIN PEAKS (Bonus Quote!)

"F—k, Gene Kelly, you motherf—ker!"

Dispatched into a downpour to find Diane (and battling his 'brella), Albert (Miguel Ferrer) is by no means singing in the rain

VEEP

"He said he took to you like a hog to persimmons."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs."

Richard (Sam Richardson) reminds Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) that not every cute Southern saying is positive

FARGO

"The problem is not that there is evil in the world. The problem is that there is good. Because otherwise, who would care?"

V.M. Varga (David Thewlis) drops a depressing slice of philosophy on Emmit

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK

"We heard negotiations are going real good. Health care and better food, and maybe even Beyoncé gonna come say hi to us. You don't wanna miss out on that!"

"Beyoncé ain't coming to Litchfield!"

"How dare you doubt her."

In Episode 11, a fellow inmate proves far more gullible to negotiations rumors than Maria (Jessica Pimentel)

BETTER CALL SAUL

"You seem to be risking a lot for a drug dealer."

"Drug dealer? If that's all that you think he is, then you don't know Gustavo Fring."

Oh, Lydia (Laura Fraser): Mike (Jonathan Banks) doesn't know the half of it... yet

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Happy birthday to President Trump, who turned 71 today. So the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the '50s and a wife in her 20s."

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

"Researchers now believe that Jupiter is the oldest planet in the solar system. Yeah, they learned that when Jupiter emailed them from an AOL account."

CONAN

"Today is President Trump's 71st birthday. Trump received a card from Vladimir Putin that said, 'I hope you're enjoying the birthday present I gave you in November.'" 

THE RANCH

"Hey, Colt: F—k, Marry, Kill, cast of Fuller House."

"F—k John Stamos, marry Bob Saget, kill Dave Coulier."

"I was talking about the women, but... that's basically how it goes."

Rooster (Danny Masterson) and Colt (Ashton Kutcher) keep it in the Netflix family when explaining a game to Umberto

THE CARMICHAEL SHOW

"I just swiped through all them apps. I already did Tinder, Bumble, SoulSwipe... I'm thinking about converting to Judaism so I can join JDate."

Bobby (Lil Rel Howery) hasn't had much success with dating apps

BLOOD DRIVE

"I can't believe that worked."

"Maybe for you. Where'd you learn to screw like that — the Boy Scouts?"

Arthur (Alan Ritchson) may have dodged death with some rigorous rogering, but he can't elude Grace's (Christina Ochoa) critiques