Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 23, 2014

"Oh God. I have a type."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) experiences deja view upon finding shirtless Ray working a salmon ladder

"I listened to her meringue instructions in the car last week. There was so much whipping and beating, I had to pull over."

Phil (Ty Burrell) on his sultry-voiced Nigela Lawson-narrated recipe app

"Enough about the ring, Frodo!"

Connor (Jack Falahee) erupts when Michaela (Aja Naomi King) once again melts down about having lost her engagement diamond on 'Murder Night'

"Thank you, Jessie! I am forever in your debt."

"Remember that when your trust fund matures."

Jessie (Debby Ryan) forgoes making it to an acting audition, so that Ravi can finish playing a Cash Cab-type quiz show

"This could be the worst idea you've ever had — and you hired the Wicked Witch as your nanny."

Regina (Lana Parrilla) slams the Charmings' decision to let Emma get rid of that which makes her special, her powers

"Why would a cat want a hat...?"

"I've seen stranger."

The Storybrooke library's offerings puzzle Robin (Sean Maguire), but don't phase Wonderland-savvy Will (Michael Socha)

"Exactly how do you plan to avoid this man that you are trapped in the same hotel with? There are, like, a thousand porns that start that way."

"Yeah, but no porns have teachers."

"Every porn has a teacher."

Cece (Hannah Simone) questions Jess' (Zooey Deschanel) strategy for keeping away from her crush during a teachers' seminar

"His communication skills? Flawed. But he could always see five steps ahead of him, which for a one-eyed man is impressive."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) reflects on what made (eye-patched) Nick Fury such a good Director

"Whenever you hear someone giving a monologue defending the ethics of their position, you can be pretty sure they know they were wrong."

"Can I point something out to you? You were giving a monologue."

"Everyone does where I work."

Maggie (Alison Pill) talks shop — and makes a meta joke about living in Aaron Sorkin-land — with her Amtrak seatmate Jack (Jimmi Simpson)

"There are no drawbacks to this woman, Stefan!"

"Eh, she did sleep with you."

"See? Another plus!"

Damon (Ian Somerhalder) and Alaric (Matt Davis) weigh the pros and cons of Stefan dating Caroline

"Hey, it's Thanksgiving! Shouldn't you be in Detroit losing a football game right now?"

​Brian (Seth MacFarlane) attempts to convince a pair of angry lions to stand down — very poorly, we might add​

"There's a special place in Hell for women who don't support other women."

"There's a special place in Hell for women who spout that tired quote to justify their bad behavior."

Olivia (Kerry Washington) throws scheming Lizzy's (Portia De Rossi) words back at her, with a twist

"So, Cyrus would basically own me...."

"You mean as opposed to just renting?"

Cyrus (Jeff Perry) and his rent boy toy ponder stifling their sex scandal with a binding faux marriage

"How the hell do you turn my screw-ups into your suffering?"

"The same way Jesus did."

Bonnie (Allison Janney) uses religious grounds to justify complaining about daughter Christy's (Anna Faris) woes during their AA meeting

"What exactly are we debating?"

"The average number of bugs Barry swallows in a day of running."

"I look forward to seeing you accept your Nobel."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) shares his and Caitlin's latest critical research with Dr. Wells (Tom Cavanagh)

"I thought it was mostly like the basics: Don't murder. Don't steal. I'm jealous so don't like anyone but me. An apple a day..."

Fiona (Lisa Kudrow) "corrects" new friend Ewan (Craig Ferguson) when he argues "charity begins at home" is one of the "extra" commandments in the Bible

"Any last words...?"

"Yeah. If I survive this, I'm giving this place a scathing review on Yelp."

Castle (Nathan Fillion) is unlikely to book a return to the Old West resort run by a cold-blooded murderer

"You know they say women just get better with age. Like a fine wine or cheese."

"I'm lactose intolerant, so..."

Sam (Jared Padalecki) weakly tries to fight off the advances of a cougar

"Beverly saw you sexting at dinner."

"Bev doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. I was texting my Mom."

"An emoticon of a peeled banana?"

"She likes fruit."

The WASPs Dean and Sam are investigating, Stanton (Matthew Harrison) and his child-bride Amber (Clare Filipow), discuss her unconventional texting choices

"What'd I miss?"

"Not a whole lot. If it makes you feel any better, Luke ain't won nothing yet."

"It does."

Deacon (Charles Esten) revels in a little petty gloating while watching the CMA Awards at home with niece Scarlett (Clare Bowen)

"Who's the strong man now?"

Amazon Eve (Erika Ervin) to Dell, after giving her would-be murderer the whomping of his sorry life

"Stay here with your wolves and mind the fort."

"I'd rather rip your mother's head off."

With banter like this between Klaus (Joseph Morgan) and Hayley (Phoebe Tonkin), we can only imagine how exciting Thanksgiving must be at the Mikaelson house

"Is the hand-holding really necessary?"

"I mean, we could make out, but would that not be entirely distracting?"

Davina (Danielle Campbell) has every right to question Kaleb (Daniel Sharman) and his "magic" rituals

"You're taking American cheese singles to a holiday dinner party? Was the last Thanksgiving you went to hosted by a Garbage Pail Kid?"

Kay (Tymberlee Hill) tries to upgrade Gil's choice of holiday appertizer

"Didn't you see what she just did in there? She sacrificed her Thanksgiving hosting rook, to king my queen in the dining room with the candlestick!"

"That analogy is barely chess. It's mostly checkers, and you sprinkled in a little Clue at the end."

"It's the last great board game, and I love it!"

Annie (Casey Wilson) and Jake (Ken Marino), getting distracted while discussing Jake's mom's Thanksgiving hosting abilities

"You want to be reelected. You want me to be elected. Then zip up your pants, shut your mouth and stop banging the help!"

Alicia (Julianna Margulies) weighs in on the latest extramarital dalliance by husband Peter (Chris Noth)

"How about the music from Titanic? You could even cut to shots from Titanic!"

Alicia's "body woman" Marissa (Sarah Steele) weighs in on her campaign's latest sappy ad spot

"So fine, he has kids. But he has a fresh one with a dragging umbilical cord? That's not good!"

Wendy weighs in on the fact that Katy Perry's current boyfriend Diplo just welcomed a second child with his ex-girlfriend

"Hello, 1970s. Looks like I brought a light saber to a knife fight."

Mozzie (Willie Garson) realizes his USB drive isn't going to be able to steal anything from the tech firm's old school computer

"There's been a complaint..."

"I have a complaint: Your clothes are still on!"

In a flashback to their first meeting, an inebriated Jane (Gina Rodriguez) mistakes police officer Michael (Brett Dier) for a stripper when he comes to quiet down her noisy 21st birthday party

"Look's like I'll be teaching at a Catholic high school."

"Maybe don't tell them you're a pregnant virgin."

"The nuns or the high schoolers?"

"Both."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) discusses her teaching placement with her mom (Andrea Navedo) and grandmother (Ivonne Coll), who gives good advice

"Don't cry for me, sergeantina."

Nolan (Gabriel Mann) may not want Officer Jack's sympathy, but he'd never pass up the opportunity for a pun

"Can't I just have a normal friend?"

Nolan (Gabriel Mann) after he discovers Louise (Elena Satine) is obsessed with Victoria

"Robbins, I don't know how many orgasms I have left in life, but it may be fewer than flavors of ice cream, so I can't spare any. Stop stealing my orgasms!"

Dying Dr. Herman (Geena Davis) to Arizona, after the latter butted into the former's fling with Graham

"You should loosen up yourself. You look a tad stiff."

"I'm just not a fan of this new popular music. So pardon me if I'm not going to put my thing down, flip it and reverse it."

Henry (Ioan Gruffudd), channeling Missy Elliott while bemoaning Abe's (Judd Hirsch) taste in modern music