Quotes Of The Week For Dec. 31, 2017
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LUCIFER
"You're telling me there's no music in Hell?"
"Only for torture, and usually out of tune. Lately we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Oh, you should hear the screams."
Lucifer (Tom Ellis) is not sorry, no
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LUCIFER (Bonus Quote!)
"Come on, Luci, there must be hundreds of porn stars in Hell."
"Sadly, no, on account of all the good work they do here on Earth."
Amenadiel (D.B. Woodside) gets further schooled on his brother Lucifer's (Tom Ellis) below-ground playground
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NCIS
"In hindsight, it kinda makes sense. Your girlfriend was way out of your league. She's a hard 10. You're, like, a soft seven."
Not only has Torres been made, but the drug dealer is dissing his and Bishop's undercover compatibility!
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MARVEL'S RUNAWAYS
"When I was in A.V. Club, we had an old VHS machine that we used to stash in the closet of the library..."
[Off everyone's snickering]
"What? It used to be a cool club!"
"It's literally the club they use in every teen movie to show how uncool someone is."
Yikes, when even Gert (Ariela Barer) is questioning your cool factor...
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MODERN FAMILY
"I'm on my third day of my New Year's resolution to not say things nobody cares about. Damn it!"
Alex (Ariel Winter), at once announcing and breaking her New Year's resolution
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AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE
"You're as dumb as your friends' names."
Oliver (Daniel DiMaggio), dissing sister Taylor, whose "blondtourage" includes Zola, Summit and Londyn
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THE MIDDLE
"It was amazing. I don't even know how to describe it. OK, remember when we were driving to Axl's baseball game, and I saw a pack of baby deer running underneath that double rainbow? It was like that, except Dad wasn't yelling, 'We're not pulling over!'"
Sue (Eden Sher), describing to Frankie her first kiss with Sean
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MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
"What are 'tacos'?"
"What the hell kind of future is this?!"
Just when Mack (Henry Simmons) thought he had seen and heard it all in 2091...
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THE BIG BANG THEORY
"I have asked Stuart to be my best man, and he's agreed. Now, you're all still invited to the bachelor party. He's thinking Costco, and the theme is browsing."
Sheldon (Jim Parsons) invites Leonard, Howard and Raj to what sounds like the worst bachelor party ever
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THE GOOD PLACE
"I should have seen this coming. No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then right on schedule, it was, 'Guess what, Tahani? I'm gonna be Batman!'"
Tahani (Jameela Jamil) is disappointed in herself for putting her trust in Michael
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GREAT NEWS
"... which brings the list of men who haven't exposed their penis in Hollywood down to Tom Hanks... end of list."
Portia (Nicole Richie) gives The Breakdown's audience an update on Hollywood's sexual harassment crisis
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WILL & GRACE
"That thing swats away other songs like Lindsay Lohan swats away second chances!"
Jack (Sean Hayes) explains to Will just how difficult it is to get the Kars4Kids Trucks4Tykes jingle out of his head
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THE AMAZING RACE
"Shockingly, these other teams aren't dumb. I was hoping it was gonna be a walk in the park against these guys."
"We're not on Big Brother anymore!"
"[after a pause] Well, we lost that."
Cody reminds Jessica that their CBS reality show track record isn't exactly impressive
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THE BLACKLIST (Bonus Quote!)
"She's one person."
"She was an FBI agent."
"She's alone!"
"She fed you glass."
Despite Billy's (William Mapother) protests, his associate believes that Liz is not to be messed with
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THE BLACKLIST
"You know, the one thing that I have learned, all my time out here alone..."
"What's that?"
"Men just get in my way."
Liz (Megan Boone) firmly assures Billy (William Mapother) that she doesn't need help fixing the downed generator
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BLACK MIRROR (Bonus Quote!)
"Stealing my p—y is a red f–king line."
Cole (Cristin Milioti) loses her cool over a vanished va-jay-jay
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DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE WITH RYAN SEACREST
"I just want to take a sip of tea, if they'll let me. They told me there would be tea. Oh, it's a disaster. OK, well, we'll just have to rough it. I'm going to be just like everybody else, with no hot tea."
Mariah Carey closes out 2017 in the most Mariah Carey way possible
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BLACK MIRROR
"You're supposed to say something like, 'Engage!' or 'Increase thrusts!'"
"Just f—king go."
Lieutenant Cole (Cristin Milioti) has no patience for traditional sci-fi protocol upon taking over as captain in "USS Callister"