Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 21, 2018

COUNTERPART

"Which one are you?"

"F—k off."

With two syllables, Howard Prime (J.K. Simmons) clears up any confusion for Aldrich

GREAT NEWS

"Does this mean he'll never work again? Or worse, start a podcast?"

Portia (Nicole Richie) is worried about Chuck's prospects post-early retirement

GREY'S ANATOMY

"If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off."

"David, when God created the world, he also created metaphors."

April's (Sarah Drew) patient got out of hand in obeying the Good Book

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"I don't like to question God, but I have got to wonder about this particular design. I mean, the combination of the size of the baby's head and the female anatomy... it just feels like an odd act of cruelty or maybe a little bit of a slip? Like, maybe He was tipsy when he came up with it. I mean, we know God likes to drink — the whole 'water to wine' of it all."

Karen (Collette Wolfe) delivers punchlines along with her and Matthew's baby

JANE THE VIRGIN

"I just need Esteban to get a D-list, straight-to-Crackle film that shoots in Guadalajara!"

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) would love nothing more than to see archnemesis Esteban work for a third-rate streaming service

JANE THE VIRGIN (Bonus Quote!)

"I can't believe he's starting kindergarten."

Narrator: "Oh, I know! I remember when he was just a syringe on a tray, waiting to be inserted into the wrong woman."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) and the narrator (Anthony Mendez) get emotional on Mateo's first day of school

LUCIFER

"If I fell apart every time a man told me he didn't like what I was doing, I'd be in a million pieces right now. But instead, I pushed through, rose the ranks, built my own firm and here I am — in... this entry-level D.A job."

No but really, Charlotte's (Tricia Helfer) point to Ella was a good one

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"Wow, so if they hadn't paid her off, the last months of the campaign might have been dominated by two people named Stormy Daniels and Anthony Weiner. Is it possible that the 2016 campaign was a porno? Are we living in a porno?"

Meyers responds to news that Team Trump allegedly bought a porn star's silence

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"White House staffers have nicknamed Chief of Staff John Kelly 'The Church Lady'... and Steve Bannon lives in a van down by the river."

STAR TREK: DISCOVERY

"I totally had you for a second there! You can't deny it. You should have seen your face — I mean, our face."

Mirror Stamets (Anthony Rapp) leads our confused version to believe that God is "very angry" with him

SUPERGIRL

"I saw you get body-slammed by that GLOW reject on Christmas. It was all over the news."

Leave it to Livewire (Brit Morgan) to drop a casual Netflix reference during a chat about the all-powerful Reign

THE FLASH

"Hey, you're talking to the newest member of the Iron Heights janitorial staff. I'm the fastest mop alive."

Barry (Grant Gustin) assures Iris that he is keeping... clean... behind bars

THE GOOD PLACE

"I'm super bored. It's either this or start Bloodline, and I don't know. I just don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else but Coach Taylor."

Judge Jen (Maya Rudolph) agrees to take on Team Cockroach's case, if only to give herself more time to make Netflix-related decisions

THE GOOD PLACE (Bonus Quote!)

"So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times, and all of these reports of their torture are completely fake?"

"Yes, but frankly, this is on you. A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of Pretty Little Liars."

Who knew Michael (Ted Danson) had access to Freeform in The Bad Place?!

VANDERPUMP RULES

"Oh my God, why is it about the damn pasta? Get over the damn pasta! Read between the f—king lines! It ain't about the pasta! It's not about the pasta! [long pause] It's not about the pasta."

Restaurant DJ James makes it clear to his sometime friend Lala that it is not, in fact, about the pasta

THE 24TH ANNUAL SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS

"I think my first initiative as first lady will be cyberbullying, because I have yet to see any progress made on that problem quite yet."

"First lady" host Kristen Bell throws shade at First Lady Melania Trump

BLACK LIGHTNING

"I'm just getting back into this. A brother needs all the exercise he can get."

After coming out of retirement, Black Lightning (Cress Williams) opts for the stairs rather than the elevator

CORPORATE

"I'm so tired. I wish I could be asleep all the time."

"You just described death."

"Yeah, I guess I want to be dead."

"I can't wait to die. It sounds so relaxing."

Co-workers Matt (Matt Ingebretson) and Jake (Jake Weisman) have a serious case of the Mondays

ONE DAY AT A TIME

"What's the problem? Don't you like being in this country?"

"Of course! I like to be in America!"

Lydia (Rita Moreno) channels West Side Story's Anita during a discussion on whether or not to become a U.S. citizen in Episode 4

ONE DAY AT A TIME (Bonus Quote!)

"You only need to get 60 percent right to pass."

"So basically, to become an American, you have to prove you're a D-minus student."

"Yep! It's the same requirement as it is to become president!"

Schneider (Todd Grinnell) fills Elena (Isabella Gomez) in on his U.S. citizenship test in Episode 12

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Yo-Yo Rodriguez? How peculiar..."

"Says the space mime."

Kasius (Dominic Rains) is not quite speechless to see Elena (Natalia Cordova-Buckley)... again?