Quotes Of The Week For July 30, 2017

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"To an untrained eye, it sure seems like [Alex Jones] was using the idea of a gay frog to sell his products — which, incidentally, is the same mistake the WB network made."

Oliver has a theory about the downfall of The WB, tying back to conspiracy theorist Alex "Turn the Friggin' Frogs Gay" Jones

INSECURE

"Girl, your party was so much fun! I haven't been Saturday drunk on a Thursday in, like, a week."

Kelli (Natasha Rothwell), reflecting fondly on Issa's wine-down

KINGDOM

"My brother was also gay, which I think a lot of you knew. So if you have a f—king problem with that, I think you should stand up and speak."

[Silence follows]

"Wow. No? A lot of chicks—t motherf—kers in here. F—k you. You are not allowed to whisper anymore."

Jay (Jonathan Tucker) calls out the late Nate's homophobic detractors

PREACHER

"What if I told you that our organization feels exactly the same way you do?"

"Like a 10-inch d—k, I'd need to see it to believe it."

Herr Starr (Pip Torrens), proving himself a hard sell for Saltonstall (Fredric Lehne) and the Grail

ZOO

"So you're pregnant, huh? That's cool."

Mitch (Billy Burke) is the proud grandpa to the first human to be born in a decade

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"Well, I'm sure the White House seems a little understated when you're used to living in Mr. T's jewelry box. Or maybe you just hate it because technically, it's public housing."

Meyers, rationalizing why Trump might have called his current residence "a real dump"

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Man, that was fast! If Scaramucci was Viagra, it wouldn't even be time to call your doctor yet."

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"You know what I just realized? If they find out that Trump did commit a crime, he's the one American who can't escape to Mexico."

Noah nearly falls out of his chair laughing after realizing what Robert Mueller impaneling a grand jury could mean for President Trump

THE CARMICHAEL SHOW

"Look, I think college is a scam anyway. Bobby, you might as well just join the Church of Scientology. At least they give you industry connections and a wife to cover up your homosexuality."

Assuming college would prove to be, ahem, mission impossible for Bobby, Nekeisha (Tiffany Haddish) suggests an alternate life route

THE CARMICHAEL SHOW (Bonus Quote!)

"Bobby quit his job so he can go to school full-time, so we gonna have to move in with y'all. You should know that I got three rules, OK? I smoke weed when I want, I play the trumpet when I want and the third one's a secret."

Nekeisha (Tiffany Haddish) lays down some ground rules for living with Joe and Cynthia

CLAWS

"I called you three times last night."

"I know. Your recitation of 'When Doves Cry' filled up my voicemail box."

A smitten Dr. Ken (Jason Antoon) needs to work on his romantic gestures, according to Polly (Carrie Preston)

REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

"When the sea levels rise... we could lose Florida, and who would know better about losing Florida?"

Maher references former VP Al Gore's 2000 election loss during a discussion on global warming

GAME OF THRONES (Bonus Quote!)

"Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me."

Lady Olenna (Diana Rigg) uses her last breath to finally reveal to Jaime that she was responsible for Joffrey's death

GAME OF THRONES

"You stand in the presence of Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, rightful heir to the Iron Throne, rightful Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms, the Mother of Dragons, the Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, the Breaker of Chains."

[pause]

"This is Jon Snow. He's King in the North."

Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) and Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham) kick off the long-awaited first meeting between Daenerys and Jon Snow by reciting their rulers' very different résumés

THE BACHELORETTE

"You compared the NAACP to the KKK! That's f—king blasphemy! That's stupid, bro. That's really asinine. That's disrespectful to compare the f—king KKK, who burned and hung crosses in people's front lawns, to the NAACP. Do you know what that is? For me, I want to sit you down and give you History one-oh-f—king-one, because that's stupid."

During The Men Tell All, DeMario — hardly the only cast member to do so — tears into Lee for a series of racist tweets he posted before appearing on the reality series