Quotes Of The Week For May 28, 2017

THE CARMICHAEL SHOW

"Man, this girl still ain't text me back."

"It's probably because you're unemployed, live with your ex-wife and owe Bank of America $35,000."

Bobby (Lil Rel Howery) hasn't heard back from his date — and Jerrod (Jerrod Carmichael) thinks he knows why

VEEP

"This is my wife, Alethia."

"Alethia? Is that her name, or is that the pill you take to f—k her?"

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) is her usual gracious self when meeting the new wife of former running mate Tom James (Hugh Laurie)

FARGO

"Only an intellectual could believe something so stupid."

Sheriff Moe Dammick (Shea Whigham) dismisses Gloria's conspiracy theory with a backhanded compliment

HOUSE OF CARDS

"Tom, don't cheat on my wife."

Frank (Kevin Spacey) admonishes the Other Man in his marriage to Claire for having sexual relations with the White House tour guide in Season 5's ninth episode

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY

"Creepiest Apology of the Year Award. Like this creepy, over-the-shoulder, wine-breath apology."

Bethenny, expressing just the slightest skepticism about the sincerity of Ramona's "I'm sorry"

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE

"Alexis Michelle, your Native American couture left the judges with... reservations."

RuPaul reminds us all that if you have to deliver bad news, you might as well make it punny

TWIN PEAKS

"Cof-fee...!"

Just when you started to fear the honest-to-goodness, genuine Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) wasn't in there!

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

"Do you remember a joke you said to Detective Furey about burying a body?"

"Yes, and I also recall unbuckling his belt in the elevator."

The Rosewood P.D. got more than it bargained for when it brought Spencer (Troian Bellisario) in for an interrogation

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

"I really hope when the ice caps melt, it ruins every rug at Mar-a-Lago."

Kimmel reacts to President Trump's decision to pull the United States out of the Paris Climate Agreement 

CASUAL

"Do you like this outfit?"

"Do you want me to lie or be your friend?"

"Well, since when are the two mutually exclusive?"

"You look like a kindergarten teacher."

"F—k."

Leia (Julie Berman) makes an astute observation about Val's (Michaela Watkins) wardrobe

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"We all joke about [Trump] destroying the world, but this could be it. And can I just say, telling nature to go f—k itself while standing in a garden is a pretty gangster move."

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH (Bonus Quote!)

"I don't know about America, but Donald Trump has definitely made Twitter great again."

THE BACHELORETTE

"If I never hear 'whaboom' again, life will be amazing."

Blake, as sick of Lucas and his catchphrase as we all are

GOTHAM

"Selina was acting kind of weird. Asking where we were, did we have guns... I was like, 'We're all alone, duh!'"

"You idiot! It was a set-up!"

"No. No way. Selina would never do that. [Upon further consideration] Unless they offered her money."

As Selina herself has said, Ivy (Maggie Geha) isn't the sharpest tool in the greenhouse

PRISON BREAK

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

In the end, as always, it comes down to brotherhood

LUCIFER

"You want... you want me back in Hell?"

"Well, not in Hell, per se. But in charge of Hell. After all, it is a kingdom without a ruler."

"He is right. I mean, there's a great opportunity for upward mobility."

Charlotte (Tricia Helfer) hears out Lucifer (Tom Ellis) and Amenadiel's (D.B. Woodside) plans for her future