Mistresses Recap: The Liar, the Witch and the Poor One

Somebody in Mistresses land needs to replace the Folgers crystals with some Fireball whiskey — immédiatement!

April’s so tired from juggling her ailing mother, her manchild lover and her ingrate daughter that she’s not even stopping to smell the Diptyques at Maison Sur Mer. Joss’ engagement, meanwhile, is looking less stable than Sean Young in a Catwoman costume. And even Karen — usually a reliable source of hot mess/hot sex — is stuck on the living room floor* with her mousy nanny, and leaving half-consumed glasses of rosé in flagrante neglecto. (*Not “stuck on the living room floor” in a hubba-hubba way, like she was with her prior nanny, Jerry O’Connell’s abs-olutely fabulous Robert.)

What happened to the threesomes, the gun-wielding/alcoholic women scorned and the Japanese bondage rope — not to mention the shirtless Ricky Whittle dipped in acryllic paint writhing around on a canvas?

With only four episodes left before the inevitable “will ABC give us another season?” panic sets in, I’m jonesing for more hanky panky, less angsty wangsty (don’t question the mangled English, just go with the parallel structure) and a little hint that our core threesome are self-aware enough to forge their own versions of happy-ish endings.

In other words, I want Joss to scream her truth to Harry at the top of her lungs — and then take him down to the beach for a repeat of their From Here to Eternity moment. I want Karen to surprise me by doing something truly daft — like maybe preparing a surprise and totally silent candlelight dinner for a blindfolded Lydia and Adam, then guiding them through a night of passion in which their identities are only revealed in the morning. (C’mon, that wouldn’t be so far-fetched for our resident sexpert, would it?) And as for April, I’ll settle for her just dropping a house on her mother, then making off with her ruby-encrusted inheritance. (Uh-huh, I went there.)

With my wish list complete — I won’t verbalize my wish to replace Kate with Randy in Season 5, except that I just did — let’s recap the action from Season 4, Episode 9, “The Root of All Evil.”

SPIN CYCLE | It turns out Lydia’s online dating profile wasn’t for herself (but using Karen’s pic), but actually for Karen. At least I think that’s what Nanny McCrazy is up to. Unbeknownst to her boss, she’s flirting up a storm with a handsome fella named Adam, and then sets up a meeting at Karen’s Spin class, with the caveat that he must pretend they’re total strangers with no prior online exposure. Despite Lydia’s subsequent efforts to put the kibosh on the whole enchilada — via some truly childish instant-messaging — Karen winds up going to dinner with the guy, and the whole thing ends like Act One of a mid-’90s Drew Barrymore Cyrano de Bergerac update as Adam knocks on Karen’s door with her misplaced doggy bag, Karen invites him in to coo over the newly recast Baby Vivian and Lydia looks on in sheepish horror. Will this play out like a rom-com or The Hand That Rocks the Cradle? We’ll know in an episode or two, tops.

WHAT’S SHE GONNA LOOK LIKE WITH A CHIMNEY ON HER? | April’s cirrhosis-addled, recovering alcoholic witch of a mom makes good on her promise to destroy her daughter’s relationship with Marc, offering to pay the couple’s mortgage for six months while she stays with them and awaits her transplant. Marc descends into a man-panic, April retreats into “but it’s my dying mother!” mode, and by the end of the hour, Marc’s concocted a cockamamie plan to temporarily move out. Single mom April finds this as exciting as Mariah Carey getting tickets to J.Lo Live in Vegas, and makes like Heidi Klum, demanding to know if her man is in or out. Her bluff-calling goes awry when Marc says he’s got no choice — he’s audi — but the episode ends with both of ’em in “It’s not tears, just a really, really heavy pollen day” mode. I’ve never ‘shipped April and Marc all that hard, but if their reunification ends with Marjorie being run out of town by a pack of torch-wielding villagers, then I’m all about that happy ending.

WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS | Kate takes Randy — awww, Randy! — on a drunken apartment-hunting adventure, and breaks a glass lamp in a hideously furnished apartment. She’s still all broken up about her breakup with her future sister-in-law’s ex-fiancé, and only Randy realizes that all of those words in succession are the start of a Penthouse letters column, not an actual fairy tale. (Can I get an amen, people?) Don’t worry, though, Kate’s bad behavior winds up shattering something far more significant — Harry and Joss’s future, to be specific. She probably won’t be around to witness the aftermath, though, as she tells Harry she’s going to flee L.A. for travel/head-clearing/the destruction of other loved-ones’ happiness. Time for little sister to stop mooching off Harry and Joss’ guest house, anyway, no?

IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP | Joss is still popping pills and acting distant from Harry. Harry has a wardrobe consultant (hi, Wilson Cruz!) who is physically tearing him away from his favorite articles of clothing and metaphorically screaming “cut the dead weight and prepare for massive stardom as a TV chef!” When Kate finally confesses to Harry that she’d been sleeping with Scott, and that Joss had pointed an extinguisher at the entire dumpster fire, Harry’s petulant response can be pretty much summed up in one sentence: Joss kept yet another secret from me! (Dude, Secret No. 1 clearly involves some sort of violent and possibly sexual trauma on the night the woman you love was abducted, SO PLEASE WORK ON YOUR EMPATHY!)

Joss, though, who’s still popping her daft client Stacey’s stash of anti-anxiety pills, ditches her angry beau when she gets a text from her Impact health club/fight club/therapy circle. Turns out fellow member Marisol died a the hands of her horrible ex, and Joss reacts to the shock by embracing guru Jackie’s contention that the Impact ladies are going to be with her far longer than Harry ever will.

See why I want Joss to gather up Karen and April and some hooch and get truly, drunkenly real? Lydia can babysit Vivian, Marjorie can keep an eye on Lucy and Jonathan can be even more responsible for Harry. Let’s make this a reality!

What did you think of this week’s Mistresses? Whose fate has you most stressed? Drop your thoughts in the comments!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Lauren says:

    Did anyone else catch the storm clouds at the end? … And then remember the doctor’s (awful) words about praying for motorcycle drivers in the rain… ?

    • Annie says:

      I can see it now. A drunk Marc behind the wheel heading to Harry and Joss’s house and in his intoxicated state smashes in to Harry on his new fancy motorcycle. Harry lingers on just long enough for the mistresses to come up with Harry’s liver can save Aprils mom. The transplant doctors prophecy will come true and Aprils mom will get the liver she so desperately needs. The thing the writers are not mentioning or maybe don’t know is a liver transplant can be done with a piece of a healthy liver from a live donor.

    • Nina Waren says:

      Wasn’t Marc drinking orange soda? It didn’t look like alcohol.

    • Kat says:

      Yes. I think it’s Mark.

  2. Daniel snow says:

    I don’t feel bad for Joss. I know she messed up/PTSD about being tied up during the last season but Harry has tried to be there for her and she keeps rejecting him. so how much empathy can the guy gave his fiancée When she won’t tell him what’s the problem?

  3. patricia says:

    Why are Joss and Harry so upset about Kate and Scott ? He was married to her sister for 12 years. His sister banging his fiancee ‘s ex fiancee is nothing compared to that.

    • Nina Waren says:

      For me, Joss and Harry are unlikeable and hypocritical. I can’t get behind either of them as individuals or as a couple.

    • Erin B says:

      Exactly. That has been bothering me too. How is Kate dating Scott worse than Joss being with Harry? Why does Harry hate Scott so much anyway? He wronged Scott, & he doesn’t know he kissed Joss so he can’t be mad about that.

      I don’t know what I think about Marc. I do like them together & can see both sides of their situation.

      I am interested in finding out why the nanny is using Karen’s picture & can’t wait to see how this implodes & makes Karen a hot mess again. At least I hope so.

      One thing I do not like this season is how they dropped the storyline with April & Michael. I really thought they would go back to that after April was so rude to him & didn’t even seem to understand that she was.

    • Emily says:

      I think the same thing…why are they upset about kate when what they did is way more wors …love Kate’s character she brought something interesting to mistresses because the was getting too boring. Hate that Kate is leaving

  4. Dave says:

    Run Marc.
    Run away fast from both these women. Go get a girl who will appreciate you and let April end up with another liar like her ex hubby or the painter. You deserve better. Oh, and her mom? Kill it with fire please.

    • james says:

      Or maybe he should just grow up instead of always putting his needs before his new reformed’s family. As far as I am concerned, April is the only decent and mature character in this show. Yes, her mother is a conniving bitch but she is her flesh and blood and is dying, she is doing the right thing like any normal person would. Marc needs to stop running everytime they have an issue. Thank god April is smart enough not to get knocked up by him. He is a grown up stuck in a teenage mentality that he doesn’t seem to want to get out off it.

  5. Jeff says:

    AMEN x Infinity. “awww Randy!” is right! We love that Randy! Those are my favorite scenes.

  6. Tennisnsun says:

    O dear, I fell asleep half way through again, Not nearly the quality of last weeks ep. Glad to have your recap to look at to catch me up. Your recaps are way funnier than the show itself! Glad to see
    you got a tad more responses since last nite. I feel bad for you putting all the effort you do into the reviews and not much feedback coming. Does not bode well for renewal.

  7. John says:

    The wardrobe consultant was played by the same actor who was that psycho last season, right?

  8. Sarah says:

    Joss needs to tell Harry what happened the night she was held captive. However she won’t and after the show spent last season being all about Joss and Harry they won’t make it as a couple much longer.
    I felt bad for Marc and was glad it was soda he was seining at the end and not alcohol. I hope April finds out her mother orchestrated this and it is too late for her and Marc because she was dumb to tell him it was all or nothing. She should have listened to him especially with her moms track record.
    I still think Lydia is crazy and wants Karen’s life.

  9. wgsecretary says:

    No, I didn’t get the impression Lydia was setting up the account for Karen. She just was too shy to use her own picture. I get more of a “single white female” vibe from that situation. She seemed to be more freaking out that Karen met Adam and that she would be found out. She tried to end what was going on when she told Adam on the chat that she was done because he had broken the rules. If she were trying to get Karen a date, she would have been happy it was working. She just didn’t want to use her own picture and info. I think she was enjoying the attention and panicked when Adam said he was starting to worry she wasn’t real on the chat. I think she just wanted him to see Karen so he would know that she (Lydia) was real. That’s why she didn’t want him to talk to her at the spin class.

  10. Derek says:

    I want April’s mom to die of cirrhosis already. That woman is seriously demented. Let me get this straight: she knows she’s going to die (that’s pretty much guaranteed, am i right?), and instead of making peace she wants to ruin her daughter’s marriage and leave her to be a single mom for the rest of her life…living off her alleged ruby inheritance? And she calls this scheme to make April miserable looking out for her daughter? Damn. Jealous much?

    And I also want Joss to die too (should’ve been her, not poor Marisol). She is literally despicable. Not everything is about you. Haven’t you ruined enough lives by running off with your sister’s ex husband? You have to destroy Harry, Kate and Scott’s happiness too? Did the writers do any research on how trauma victims actually behave? Because they don’t just lash out at anything and everything. They actually have moments of genuine vulnerability and sincerity too. Either the writers didn’t know that or the actress just isn’t capable of being anything but one note – angry all the time. Either way this season has been an absolute bore and I wouldn’t be surprised if ABC finally pulled the plug on this ridiculous show.

  11. Emily says:

    Mistresses is coming too boring omg and joss – not a fan too skinny to stupid to stubborn …. she broke her relationship with her sister to be with Hary and now she doesn’t know what she wants ,loved Savannah character not so much joss’s, and April to god but her mother very snicky always a burden to her daughter . Kate and Harry my favorite characters.

  12. fidub72 says:

    Holy season of misogyny! This is the worst!