Mistresses Recap: The Liar, the Witch and the Poor One

Somebody in Mistresses land needs to replace the Folgers crystals with some Fireball whiskey — immédiatement!

April’s so tired from juggling her ailing mother, her manchild lover and her ingrate daughter that she’s not even stopping to smell the Diptyques at Maison Sur Mer. Joss’ engagement, meanwhile, is looking less stable than Sean Young in a Catwoman costume. And even Karen — usually a reliable source of hot mess/hot sex — is stuck on the living room floor* with her mousy nanny, and leaving half-consumed glasses of rosé in flagrante neglecto. (*Not “stuck on the living room floor” in a hubba-hubba way, like she was with her prior nanny, Jerry O’Connell’s abs-olutely fabulous Robert.)

What happened to the threesomes, the gun-wielding/alcoholic women scorned and the Japanese bondage rope — not to mention the shirtless Ricky Whittle dipped in acryllic paint writhing around on a canvas?

With only four episodes left before the inevitable “will ABC give us another season?” panic sets in, I’m jonesing for more hanky panky, less angsty wangsty (don’t question the mangled English, just go with the parallel structure) and a little hint that our core threesome are self-aware enough to forge their own versions of happy-ish endings.

In other words, I want Joss to scream her truth to Harry at the top of her lungs — and then take him down to the beach for a repeat of their From Here to Eternity moment. I want Karen to surprise me by doing something truly daft — like maybe preparing a surprise and totally silent candlelight dinner for a blindfolded Lydia and Adam, then guiding them through a night of passion in which their identities are only revealed in the morning. (C’mon, that wouldn’t be so far-fetched for our resident sexpert, would it?) And as for April, I’ll settle for her just dropping a house on her mother, then making off with her ruby-encrusted inheritance. (Uh-huh, I went there.)

With my wish list complete — I won’t verbalize my wish to replace Kate with Randy in Season 5, except that I just did — let’s recap the action from Season 4, Episode 9, “The Root of All Evil.”

SPIN CYCLE | It turns out Lydia’s online dating profile wasn’t for herself (but using Karen’s pic), but actually for Karen. At least I think that’s what Nanny McCrazy is up to. Unbeknownst to her boss, she’s flirting up a storm with a handsome fella named Adam, and then sets up a meeting at Karen’s Spin class, with the caveat that he must pretend they’re total strangers with no prior online exposure. Despite Lydia’s subsequent efforts to put the kibosh on the whole enchilada — via some truly childish instant-messaging — Karen winds up going to dinner with the guy, and the whole thing ends like Act One of a mid-’90s Drew Barrymore Cyrano de Bergerac update as Adam knocks on Karen’s door with her misplaced doggy bag, Karen invites him in to coo over the newly recast Baby Vivian and Lydia looks on in sheepish horror. Will this play out like a rom-com or The Hand That Rocks the Cradle? We’ll know in an episode or two, tops.

WHAT’S SHE GONNA LOOK LIKE WITH A CHIMNEY ON HER? | April’s cirrhosis-addled, recovering alcoholic witch of a mom makes good on her promise to destroy her daughter’s relationship with Marc, offering to pay the couple’s mortgage for six months while she stays with them and awaits her transplant. Marc descends into a man-panic, April retreats into “but it’s my dying mother!” mode, and by the end of the hour, Marc’s concocted a cockamamie plan to temporarily move out. Single mom April finds this as exciting as Mariah Carey getting tickets to J.Lo Live in Vegas, and makes like Heidi Klum, demanding to know if her man is in or out. Her bluff-calling goes awry when Marc says he’s got no choice — he’s audi — but the episode ends with both of ’em in “It’s not tears, just a really, really heavy pollen day” mode. I’ve never ‘shipped April and Marc all that hard, but if their reunification ends with Marjorie being run out of town by a pack of torch-wielding villagers, then I’m all about that happy ending.

WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS | Kate takes Randy — awww, Randy! — on a drunken apartment-hunting adventure, and breaks a glass lamp in a hideously furnished apartment. She’s still all broken up about her breakup with her future sister-in-law’s ex-fiancé, and only Randy realizes that all of those words in succession are the start of a Penthouse letters column, not an actual fairy tale. (Can I get an amen, people?) Don’t worry, though, Kate’s bad behavior winds up shattering something far more significant — Harry and Joss’s future, to be specific. She probably won’t be around to witness the aftermath, though, as she tells Harry she’s going to flee L.A. for travel/head-clearing/the destruction of other loved-ones’ happiness. Time for little sister to stop mooching off Harry and Joss’ guest house, anyway, no?

IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP | Joss is still popping pills and acting distant from Harry. Harry has a wardrobe consultant (hi, Wilson Cruz!) who is physically tearing him away from his favorite articles of clothing and metaphorically screaming “cut the dead weight and prepare for massive stardom as a TV chef!” When Kate finally confesses to Harry that she’d been sleeping with Scott, and that Joss had pointed an extinguisher at the entire dumpster fire, Harry’s petulant response can be pretty much summed up in one sentence: Joss kept yet another secret from me! (Dude, Secret No. 1 clearly involves some sort of violent and possibly sexual trauma on the night the woman you love was abducted, SO PLEASE WORK ON YOUR EMPATHY!)

Joss, though, who’s still popping her daft client Stacey’s stash of anti-anxiety pills, ditches her angry beau when she gets a text from her Impact health club/fight club/therapy circle. Turns out fellow member Marisol died a the hands of her horrible ex, and Joss reacts to the shock by embracing guru Jackie’s contention that the Impact ladies are going to be with her far longer than Harry ever will.

See why I want Joss to gather up Karen and April and some hooch and get truly, drunkenly real? Lydia can babysit Vivian, Marjorie can keep an eye on Lucy and Jonathan can be even more responsible for Harry. Let’s make this a reality!

What did you think of this week’s Mistresses? Whose fate has you most stressed? Drop your thoughts in the comments!