Vampire Diaries Recap

Vampire Diaries Recap: Bite Club

Never one to mince metaphors, The Vampire Diaries on Friday introduced a literal fight club as a means to help Damon experience pain.

Downward spirals are hardly new territory for the professional brooder, but unlike his previous moral hiccups — and there have been far too many to count — this one is unpleasant for everybody. Past incarnations of his dark side have been fun and fiery. Exciting, even. But nobody’s having fun in the wake of Damon lighting his sleeping girlfriend on fire. Well, except for that Elena wannabe who showed up for a post-battle hump sesh with the victor. (Anybody else have a bad feeling about that lady, by the way? Who just shows up to a guy’s house like that?)

Stefan, on the other hand, chose to channel his post-Elena pain into something more productive — specifically, the long-overdue staking of his wicked stepdaddy. And speaking of Stefan’s pain, I had so many conflicting emotions during his angry reaction to Elena’s “death”; it’s been so many years since the “Stelena” ‘ship was alive and well, I kind of forgot how much he must still care about her. (Also, I put quotes around “dead” because… come on.)

Elsewhere this week…

TWIN SNEAKS | It’s pretty cute when babies kick their mother from inside the womb. It is incredibly not cute, however, when babies syphon their mother’s magic and force her into an early desiccation. Unfortunately, Caroline is experiencing both of these scenarios as she heads into the final stretch of her pregnancy — and no amount of fries, waffle or otherwise, can stop those hangry twins. (Spoiler alert: Because we’ve seen Caroline and the twins looking healthy as horses in previous flash-forwards, we know they’ll all pull through this syphoning ordeal just fine, but I’m still curious to see where it’s leading.)

IF YOU GIVE A HUNTRESS A COOKIE | Bonnie, Nora and Mary-Louise (aka the show’s true love triangle) made tracks this week for Cincinnati, where they intended to face their evil pen pal Rayna Cruz. But the face they ultimately found was a weird, old one; she was not at all the Nina Dobrev look-alike they’d been expecting. Bonnie gave the old lady a pity cookie, and just like with the mouse from that book, it only led to more trouble. In fact, if Enzo hadn’t shown up with a well-timed arrow, Bonnie might have been lights-out for good.

Which is why I — along with Bonnie, her girlfriend and Mary-Louise — was so surprised when Enzo double-crossed them, stealing Rayna’s old body right out from under their noses. All it took was a few minutes in the spa (of fiery, burning death) to restore Rayna’s youthful glow, but I have to wonder why Enzo, a vampire, would team up with a vampire hunter. I mean, other than the gold standard “he just sucks sometimes” reason. (Also, how bummed are you that Nora didn’t end up with Bonnie?)

OFFICER DONOVAN’S NEW ‘PARTNER’ | This portion of my recap is sponsored by MatchASingle.com, which received its second shout-out in this week’s episode. But don’t bother logging on and hoping to get matched with Matty Blue — I already checked, and it’s not real. Besides, Matt seems to be pretty smitten with Penny at the moment, at least enough to share his deepest, darkest, most vampire-filled secrets with her. Of course, considering Matt’s initial flash-forward included an aside about how he lost his girlfriend, I’m assuming Penny won’t prove as lucky as her name. (Since when did Matt “Human Band-Aid” Donovan have the most complicated love life on this show?!)

Your thoughts on this week’s episode? Hopes and fears for episodes still to come? Drop ’em all in a comment below.