American Horror Story Hotel

American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: 'There Can Only Be One Queen'

It’s a good thing the Countess has all those old, blue, borrowed corpses lying around, because there’s going to be a wedding at the Hotel Cortez!

Giving new meaning to the phrase “‘Til death to us part,” Elizabeth let Tristan in on her big plan during Wednesday’s American Horror Story: a very literal game of F–k, Marry, Kill with the new Hotel owner. “Will Drake can’t die until after I marry him… and take every penny,” she told her spunky side piece (who’s lucky he’s so slammin’, because that’s pretty much all he has going for him right now).

Of course, I can think of two people we probably shouldn’t expect to see on the guest list: Donovan and his new bestie/kidnapper Ramona Royale, an actress-turned-vampire-turned-huntress who also happens to be a fellow ex-lover of the Countess. But, honestly, who isn’t at this point?

In a (successful) attempt to turn Donovan against his maker, Ramona revealed her full history with Elizabeth, from their fateful first meeting to their devastating — not to mention blood-spattered — goodbye. She also revealed an interesting little nugget about the Countess: She refuses to let her creations turn other people into vampires. After all, “there can only be one queen.”

MOMMY ISSUES | In keeping with AHS‘ grand tradition of forcing Kathy Bates into miserable mother-son relationships, Wednesday’s episode served us Iris and Donovan’s twisted backstory in a neat little package. He apparently holds a pretty nasty grudge against her for all sorts of things, including kicking his father out of the house and getting him into weird eating habits. (“I had so much fiber in my diet that I s–t my pants at school!”) When Iris tried to convince him to move in with her, he simply responded, “Kill yourself,” which she — unfortunately — took a bit too closely to heart.

“Don’t haunt my hallways bitch,” Sally told Iris as she filled her veins with enough junk to take out “an entire marching band.” A plastic bag over Iris’ head was meant to finish the job, but after a chat with Liz Taylor provided Donovan with a new perspective on things, he busted in the room and used his blood to save her life. (Question: Does that make Iris a vampire now? Because that does not gel with the Countess’ rule about her creations not doing any creating of their own.)

KEEP HOLDEN ON | Speaking of mothers on the verge, Alex paid her first visit to the Hotel Cortez this week, armed with divorce papers for John. But she got a lot more than she bargained for when she bumped into that lavender-smelling munchkin Holden in the hallway; suddenly, Scarlett doesn’t seem so bonkers, eh? (Speaking of the Lowe family, I know we’ve only known him for three episodes now, but John’s, like, the worst detective ever, right? … OK, just wanted to make sure.)

WTF, SCHMIDT?! | I have to imagine that Gabriel’s encounter with Claudia — in which he popped out of her damn mattress and stabbed her to death, all the while screaming, well, bloody murder — had to have been what Ryan Murphy previously referred to as “the most disturbing scene we’ve ever done.” That s–t affected me.

Your thoughts on this week’s HotelDrop ’em in a comment below.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. J says:

    Okay this season is so good so far almost as good as Asylum.. Gaga is slaying so hard!!!

  2. Saintsfan9 says:

    Been a pretty good season so far. I really like Matt Bomer’s character and would like to know a little more about Evan Peters character. Hope it keeps up this pace.

  3. fernando933 says:

    I’m so impress with Sarah Paulson, if she doesn’t win the Emmy this year then those Emmy voters are blind. I wasn’t on bored with Gaga at first but after episode two she has been bringing her A game. Who knew she could bring it like that. Angela was amazing as always already making the episode 10 times better

  4. I get the sense that all of the Countess’ creations are going to rise up against her and tear her to shreds like “Queen of the Damned.”

  5. Ellinas1978 says:

    It would be the best AHS season yet, if only they had a real actress on instead of Gaga. I get the need to attract publicity which could have been done by giving her a lesser role to grab people in. She just can’t act.

  6. Bob Backus says:

    Such a boring season, if people thought the last was bad, this is so much worse. Vampires or whatever- scraping the bottom of the barrel.

  7. Amnesia says:

    Can we get a show with 70’s bad ass Angela Bassett! Pulling that knife out of her ‘fro was everything!!!

    • Jax&Juice's Girl says:

      I really liked that flashback story of hers……and that part was awesome! Overall the episode was alright…….just waiting to see when A.B and Gaga come face to face again!

  8. P says:

    Is no one else disturbed at the laughable organ music used throughout the supposedly dramatic and (yawn) scary scenes. It seems a shame to have such great actors and costly backdrops come across as “the vampires of Pine Valley”? Perhaps they should give Susan Lucci a call–I hear she’s been looking for work.

  9. Christian says:

    Didn’t bother watching last night. Thought I would check up and see if I missed anything. Naaaah.

  10. Joe says:

    I would imagine that him getting brutalized by the addiction demon/monster was the most disturbing scene, not the one with Naomi…