Mistresses Recap: Alibi, Felicia

I’m not well-versed in the psychological condition known as “Cluster B Personality Disorder,” but when it comes to Mistresses‘ Calista Raines, I can tell you exactly what the “B” stands for, mmmmkay?

Oh yes, people, I think we’ve reached the point in Season 3 where we can safely call Jennifer Esposito’s fashion mogul a stone-cold bitch (and not in a good way), assume that April’s new love interest considers Julia Roberts the real villain in Sleeping With the Enemy and dedicate Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” to Karen and that married couple who’ve taken less than a month to put the “nag” in menage-a-trois.

If this recap were the back page of a mid-’90s fashion mag, it might go a little something like this:

ROB MAYES, BRETT TUCKERIn: Karen, Joss and April
Out: Every new character we’ve met since last month’s season premiere (except, perhaps, Uncle Marc — but only because of his involuntary pec-flexing during shirtless beach scenes)

If I’m being completely honest, there’s a small part of me that’s pained by the idea of putting Calista on the “no me gusta” list. I mean, with her martinis and her caftans and her crazy schemes, I entered this week optimistically expecting Calista and Joss to end the hour clinking their glasses and channeling Sex and the City‘s Samantha and Carrie with some sort of, “I feel bad that poor bullet had to meet its end in the chest of such a total douchebag!” quip.

Alas, though, I’m not sure there’s any rationale by which we can forgive Calista for refusing to tell the truth about her deal with Joss to catch Luca’s infidelity on camera — and thereby clear her BFF of the lion’s share of suspicion by the LAPD. I mean, let’s be honest, it’s not like there’s any way to put a positive P.R. spin on your hubby/CFO’s violent death — so invoking the “bad for business” excuse isn’t gonna cut it.

Anyway, with that said, let’s recap the action for our four central ladies (and also the hot Aussie who really ought to return urgent phone calls from his former sister-in-law-turned-recent-ex-girlfriend).

BRIAN WHITE, CORINNE MASSIAHAPRIL | Blair invites April (and Lucy!) to a Lakers game — and all I can think is, “Wait — isn’t it a little too soon after the ‘your dead dad was really alive but it’s too late because now he’s for-real dead’ revelation to be introducing your kid to a new beau?” Turns out, the answer is, “Duh, yeah,” as Blair reprimands Lucy — rather sternly — for texting in the car instead of listening to her mom. “Disciplining her should be my job,” April reminds the hunky head-master later on, to which he has the nerve to reply, “I agree — I was surprised when you didn’t say anything.” Instead of sending him to the naughty corner — not such a bad place, since it probably smells of some honey-lychee candle from Maison Sur Mer — April brushes it off. But a few days later when Blair stops by to make breakfast — and April leaves the room — he corrects Lucy’s table manners with so little warmth and humanity that I’m worried the next time she reaches for the syrup, he’ll put the kid (and April) down in the pit and make them rub the lotion on their skin.

Marc, of course, has had his suspicions about Blair from the jump-off, but this week, he falls off the wagon after the chick he hooks up with is more excited about the fact that they’re in Harry’s bed — no, not another three-way, just a very generous loaning of the apartment — than by what Marc accomplished in it. Watching him take a sip of that beer was the worst alcohol-related event on Mistresses since I learned Elizabeth Grey wasn’t allowed to have vodka during her prison stay.

SONJA BENNETT, YUNJIN KIMKAREN | When Vivian begins suspecting Karen and Alec hooked up during her trip to visit her new niece (or was it a nephew?) (oh, who cares?), Our Lady of Self-Inflicted Disasters goes against Alec’s wishes and ‘fesses up. “I just feel gross,” says Vivian, despite having never previously taken umbrage with her husband’s tongue down her new bestie’s throat. “I don’t know why, but I do.” Later, though, she figures out the real beef is that Alec and Karen lied about the tryst — and the whole convo is too much for the bearded, stoic doc. His commitment is to his wife — no matter how much he cares for Karen (and her high-end lingerie). Karen finds herself standing by as a silent observer of the couple’s intense conversation about the state of their marriage, and it’s more than a little heartbreaking when her eyes well up with tears and she bids her goodbyes. “It’s OK. He’s right,” she says to the woman who wound up receiving so much more than her marrow. And while it should be game, set, match for this three-party tennis match, knowing Karen, it won’t be over ’til there’s some kind of random bar hookup or embarrassing interaction in a church pew.

HARRY | Dude does pretty much nothing this week — NOT EVEN CALLING BACK JOSS WHEN SHE’S COVERED IN BLOOD WITH NO ONE TO WHOM SHE CAN TURN FOR HELP! Are we taking bets on whether or not Savi comes back in the season finale to serve as Joss’ defense attorney?

JES MACALLANJOSS-CALISTA | The crux of the problem — as hinted at above — isn’t so much that Joss gets her DNA all over Luca’s body — and his blood all over her designer threads — it’s that she flees the Raines’ mansion without doing what 99.9% of Family Feud survey recipients would do upon encountering a murder victim: CALL 911! Karen promptly remedies the situation when she finds a hysterical Joss back at home — but by then, the police are kind of suspicious. And it gets worse when Calista doesn’t corroborate the fact that she and Joss were in cahoots trying to get Luca to mess around with the lanky event planner — and catch it all on tape to stop him from getting 50 percent of her assets in a divorce. When Joss finally meets face to face with Calista, the latter woman is deeper in delusion than that time when America briefly allowed a Paris Hilton song to become a radio hit. Calista keeps saying she had no choice but to lie to the cops, to which Joss replies, “You absolutely have a choice!” (Yes! There’s our tall drink of backbone!) But Calista’s indignation — “I’m not going down for this because you’re too stupid to keep your mouth shut!” — tells us exactly the kind of friend and human being she is. So what if she’s agreeing to pay Joss’ legal bills? If she’s not willing to pay the price of a public-relations debacle to ensure her close friend doesn’t run the risk of a life behind bars, then she’s as useless as the pink-hooded robe-like frock she wears in the episode’s closing scene. And what’s the deal with the way she’s dangling her diamond wedding ring over a balcony, the slightest glimpse of a smile on her lips? Could it be she spent all of last fall and winter taking notes on How to Get Away With Murder? I still think it’s too easy a plot development for Calista to have pulled the trigger, but that doesn’t mean girlfriend doesn’t have blood on her hands.

On that note, I turn it over to you. What did you think of this week’s Mistresses? What is Calista’s endgame? And who do you think killed Luca? Share your thoughts in the comments!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Semaj Debose says:

    Love Marc and April chemistry during every scenes and I’m team Marc and this Blair guy is creepy

  2. Allison says:

    OK, so I am heartbroken that Calista did my girl Joss dirty. I am heartbroken that once again Joss opens her heart to someone only to have it ripped out and crushed into dust. I am disappointed in Calista’s actions because I really liked her, but as heartbroken as I am, I am hopeful that she will redeem herself somehow, someway. I am tired of seeing Joss open herself up to the possibility of happiness only to have the rug pulled out from under her. Karen as always just makes me sigh deeply and loudly and for extended periods of time. She also makes me tsk and suck my teeth. April’s new beau needs to have a foot inserted sideways into his hind quarters and Harry can just get on a plane and go back to Australia at this point. I don’t know what I was thinking last season when I was all TeamHarry. I fully understand why Savi cheated on him. I don’t blame her at all. I didn’t say her actions were right, but they are understandable. I am just hoping that Joss will finally, finally catch a break in the love and sisterhood department. I love Mistresses, but c’mon, may my girl, Joss, please win one? Please…if it is not too much to ask…

  3. GS says:

    Wasn’t Joss clueless throughout this episode? It kept hitting her late that the police might think she did it, or later Calista. I mean, she fled from the scene and the dead guy was cheating on Calista and trying to get divorced and take her money, they’re both pretty obvious suspects.

  4. safia gidado says:

    Well for this episode I got nothing; patiently waiting for the next week episode!

  5. great episode. i think wilson killed him.
    and blair is really creepy!

  6. Stevie Sweeney says:

    Wilson, calista’s assistant, is the killer. No doubt

  7. AddieM says:

    Starting with Blair..he does not know when or where to take off his Principal’s hat & hang it up. Obviously disciplining kids at school is fine but in social occasions with a child who does not belong to him seems very off. I don’t blame him though for telling April that it should be her job to discipline Lucy. April & Lucy are exhausting to watch. April is afraid to rock the boat & Lucy knows and exploits it. Ain’t nothing wrong with being stern here & there so a child learns boundaries. I’m so ready for Lucy to be shipped off to boarding school.
    Gotta give it to Calista, she’s much more entertaining than Savy. From the start, something was very off with her. I knew she was cray! I don’t see how they can spin this to make her likable again. Unless if she’s secretly planning something behind the scenes and all this is just a some cover up to throw off the cops whilst saving Joss
    I miss Joss & Harry

    • vallikat says:

      During that scene in the car with April, Blair, and Lucy, I was thinking that Lucy had probably heard this story before. If that’s the case then really at that point April was sharing this story with Blair and not Lucy. Therefore, I figured she was free to butt out of their conversation.

      As to Calista, I’m not sure why they didn’t replace Savi with another girlfriend we could get behind. Not that we’d all love her (the way we don’t all love all the girls now). However she should be someone that can stand the test of time within the circle. Calista clearly can’t. Therefore if there is a Season 4, we will need another replacement friend. That’s going to get real old real fast.

  8. Das Snow says:

    I wish they want to drawn out Karen’s three-way relationship A little more.

  9. cathy says:

    I just kept saying, “Call a lawyer!!” Joss’s sister was a lawyer….surely they would all be smart enough to do that. Oh, wait…

  10. Tennisnsun says:

    Gotta give it to Calista, she’s way more entertaining than Savy. From the start, something was very off with her. I knew she was cray! I too hope she’s secretly planning something behind the scenes to throw off the cops whilst saving Joss. Ijust love crazy Calista! I have to say hen Marc took a swig of beer I wanted to smack the bottle out of his hand.

  11. Susan says:

    It seems too obvious for Wilson to have done it…maybe it was the jilted model that Luca was seeing before all this happened. I mean, she was pretty mad at him…