Mistresses Recap: Third-Party Politics

Oh, if the walls of Maison Sur Mer — the home-furnishings oasis owned by Mistresses‘ April Malloy — could talk. They’ve already seen a ne’er-do-well husband fake his death; an ab-tastic FBI agent deliver an oversized canvas that, by all scientific measures, should’ve burst into flames from the glistening bodies (and acrylic colors) that painted it; and some light blackmail, adultery and overzealous day drinking for good measure.

Now, thanks to Dr. Karen Kim (University of Blind Optimism, Class of ’90), the lush tablescapes and 1,000-thread-count sheets have witnessed a treat tray getting unceremoniously dumped on a tile floor. I mean, there really was no other way April could appropriately respond to Karen dropping an out-of-nowhere, seven-word grenade: “I had sex with Vivian and Alec.”

Granted, Karen’s that friend — we all have one, right? — the one who slept with her married, dying patient, then bedded his grieving son, only to see the latter hottie shot down in a gun altercation with his raging alcoholic mother. So maybe, armed with that knowledge, April should’ve just passed the chicken salad and asked, “Now who did what to whom?”

And yet the penultimate scene from “Threesomes” — buff, bearded Alec busting into Karen’s group marriage-counseling session; her eyes twinkling with visions of her polyamorous spouses nestled snug in their beds — made me wonder if, at this exact moment, Karen is the closest to fine (hi, Indigo Girls’ reference) of our four central characters.

Crazy, right? But just go with that theory while I attempt to pithily recap the action from this week’s installment!

APRIL | With “Uncle Mark” helping her, April Facebook-stalks Lucy’s headmaster and winds up at his yoga class — whoops, make that hot(-mess) yoga. Suffering from mild dehydration, she still manages to ask him out to dinner — and he says yes! (“Seven have tried, seven have failed,” observes an impressed classmate, played by All My Children’s Chrishell Stause.) April’s boss-tasticness, however, escapes her when they get to Wunderbar, her eyes registering horror as her mouth spills out factoids about proper sushi etiquette. Does it help that Mark — who looked 36 percent too smitten by the sight of April in a minidress — keeps interrupting with texts about Lucy? No, it does not. But Blair returns the next day with a huge rose bouquet and a desire to hit the reset button. He even goes in for a kiss — ’til Mark just so happens to return all sweaty-hunky-casual from jogging. “You’re the babysitter,” says lumberjack-y Blair (who knows via April that he’s actually her “dead husband’s mistress’s son’s uncle” who lives with her). And Mark’s all, “Bartender, poet, surfer, carpenter.” Wait, he’s good with his hands? Maybe the two of ’em should go out to the yard, take off their shirts, and settle it like men. No, not fisticuffs, but a good old-fashioned wood-chopping contest!

CALISTA | I’m trying to come up with a zinger about how Luca rhymes with Puke-a, but it’s just too terrible to put it in this recap. Whoops! Just did! See how Calista’s rat-fink husband ruins everything!?!? In a nutshell, he spends the night somewhere other than their bed (but sends her breakfast delivery?!), then complains she doesn’t understand what it’s like to be the Watson to her fashion-designer Sherlock. Won’t she just sign the papers OKing his accessories line using the Calista Raines company font? She relents — probably thinking her generosity will prompt him to accept her invitation to marriage counseling. But it turns out the contracts she signed actually give him ownership of his accessory creations — which you just know are gonna be hella tacky. Consolation prize? Calista’s been getting it in with her hot, young assistant — and even better, she gets to drink martinis during work.

KAREN | Lemme try to bang this out (pun intended) in just a few sentences. Karen goes to Vivian and Alec’s for dinner a few days after their ménage-a-trois, but unbeknownst to the ladies, Alec’s invited a coworker in some wildly misguided blind-date setup for their new pal/marrow donor/freak in the sheets. The Port hasn’t even been poured when Vivian asks the fella to scram, and before you can say “Bye, Felicia,” she and Karen both admit they “felt something” during their tryst. (Was that something Alec’s sapling and mangoes? Sorry — that lob called for an overhead smash!)

Anyway, Karen — who has somehow been recruited by her parish priest (!) to provide group marriage counseling, which in turn, fuel her Red Shoe Diaries-style daydreams — flees the scene when Alec and Vivian begin to spar. But all’s well that ends with a half-dozen intertwined limbs? Um, not quite. Alec does show up at the end of Karen’s session asking (not-exactly-hypothetically, I’m sure her patients notice) how do you fix a marriage where one spouse was expected to die, then lived, but it broke their union in the process? What do you do if “something strange and taboo and unimaginable” changed the form of that marriage? Would she take the risk? Karen might as well say, “Group dismissed! And does anyone know of a nearby hourly motel?” But instead she answers him that she sooooo would. But let’s take a bet: Don’t you think either Alec or Vivian would rather be on a bicycle than a tricycle, romantically speaking? I just worry our sweet, gullible Dr. Kim is gonna end up face-down in front of her couch next Sunday morning — with three empty tubs of Chubby Hubby, a fingerprint-stained wine glass and a head full of regrets to show for it.

JOSS | Joss and Harry kick off the week discussing the text message she sent that he never got (remember how that stank-ho bartender deleted it)? That crack of doubt grows into a fissure. Scott calls her to get his grandma’s ring back — and reveals he’s already engaged again. To his ex. The one he said he didn’t love. And Harry doesn’t really want to hear about it. The new couple attempts to go on their first date — but it blows up when Joss asks Harry why he doesn’t want to move in, and it turns into another round of “Dooood, I gave up my sister to be with you!” Ultimately, Harry scratches their romance off his summer menu: “I can’t do this anymore, Joss. It shouldn’t be this hard.” He thinks she was right all along — that it’s too soon for them to make it work, that they’re just not ready, that they should take a break before their love turns to hate. And I want to yell, “Oh for cryin’ out loud you hot Aussie jerk, just grab her and kiss her and make it all better!” But he’s probably right – and if there was a market for it, he might have the inside track on an Idiot’s Guide to Dating Your Former Sister-in-Law. But as it turns out, Harry looks devastated, Joss is weeping and the future is blurrier than Elizabeth Grey’s vision following an afternoon bender. Sound off in the comments if you think Joss and Harry will/should make it!

OK, your turn. What did you think of this week’s Mistresses? Ready, set, discuss!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Mal says:

    Love the Britney shout-out on Facebook !! lol.

    Great episode !

  2. TVPeong says:

    Oh Karen…

  3. Nicole says:

    Stupid Harry….

  4. Amanda says:

    I never wanted Harry and Joss together anyway since I liked her with Scott better!

  5. Dmac says:

    “I gave up my sister for you” a sentence that tells you exactly what kind of person she is. Joss gives up her sister who raised her for her sisters ex. Nice.

    • KayCeeCee says:

      She didn’t give up her sister for him though. Harry and Savi had broken up as she cheated on him and betrayed his trust. In the end, even if it wasn’t for Joss, Harry and Savi would not have gotten back together. Savi was misleading herself to believe that she and Harry would have reconciled just because they had one good night together. No one could have expected that Savi would flee the country because she saw them together.

      • Dmac says:

        Take Harry away from the equation and you still have a sister who is sleeping with her sisters ex,it is still wrong and says more about Joss than anything else. Regardless of Savi and Harry’s relationship, here is women who chose to start a relationship knowing that it would end the relationship with her sister and she made that choice. Save raised her and got her out of every stupid thing that she has done and this is the choice she made?

        Before this show even aired the show runners promised that this would be a different show, that they would focus on women’s friendships and they wouldn’t fall victim to cliché love triangles and women pitting against other women and that’s why I watched it. So what happened: we just starting season 3 and we in the midst of exactly what they said they wouldn’t do. Their explanation of we couldn’t deny the chemistry between the two characters and had to run with it is exactly what every show runner says about a particular pairing. They have turned into the cliché that said would separate their show from any other.

        This show is like any other night time soap that is on TV right now and it does nothing to set it apart and the ratings show it. The show runners promised us a show that was different that would portray women differently and they lied pure and simple and I find that sad.

        • TAB says:

          We don’t really know what the fallout of Savi and Joss would have been since Alyssa Milano left the show. I doubt they would have been pitted against each other though. There would have been hurt feelings and Savi would have been shocked, but they would have worked through it. As sisters it had already been proven that they could get through anything. The only reason Joss “lost her sister” over it is because the actress playing her sister left. With no Alyssa there’s no Savi and there’s no conflict resolution to that situation. The writers have handled it the best way they could without killing Savi off. This show has been full of cliches since the beginning (husbands that weren’t dead, a woman pregnant but not sure who the father is, etc), so I really don’t get your frustration over this Joss/Harry development. It’s a truthful reality that sometimes sisters date their exes. It’s not far fetched at all.

        • Zoe says:

          I agree totally that Joss should not even have started a relationship with Harry. However, since Alyssa Milano left the show, they had to give her a reason she left so they created this Harry/Joss thing as the reason Savi is not around.

  6. Erin B says:

    Wow, Justin Hartley is hot! I’m glad they found a reason to bring him back for a scene. I guess they listened to the fans who didn’t want Joss & Harry together. The whole thing seems stupid now.

  7. KayCeeCee says:

    Both Alec and Vivian will begin to want Karen to himself/herself, causing Karen to leave them both (of course after experimenting to determine which one she really wants).

  8. Allison says:

    I love, love, love Mistresses and I love, love, love your recaps, Michael! Karen has never been and will never be normal and if she was she’d be hella boring and I for one do not want that. I do not know what she has been smoking, but now she and Vivian are now having feelings for each other…yeah, that’ll end well and I will be watching every second of it. I wish Calista’s hubby would get hit by a bus Shonda Rhimes style, but this is not her show. I feel for Calista, but hubby or no, she should not have signed any legal document without having her attorney have a gander at it first. When she signed it, I said “dummy”, but oh well. She wants to save her marriage and believe the best of her hubby so yeah…she’ll learn. She should know better, but, love blinds people to the truth. If she had been smart, there would be no show. I am so happy Joss and Harry are over. I do not like Joss in a relationship. She is not made for that, in my opinion. Harry is so jealous and insecure that he has no business being in a relationship. It was nice to see Scott again with his puppy dog eyes. I hate his heart got broken into pieces, but at least his mom is happy, right? That is all any mama’s boy could ever ask for is for the light in his mother’s eyes to shine brightly. I knew Mark was going to fall for April eventually. I liked the little back and forth between Mark and Blair. I like Blair’s reply to Mark’s jack of all trades comment which was yeah and a master of none. And its on!!! The preview for next week’s episode looks intriguing. Joss will be back to her old tricks and Harry is in bed with as you call her the stank-ho bartender (loved it) and Karen shared a kiss with Vivian. Yep, I will be there for all the action!

  9. robandco says:

    Poor Joss. She did not gave up her sister, her sister abandoned her, that is totally different. They could have worked things out. Sad she and Harry broke up, they were cute. And too bad Marc is into April (though the love triangle is fun) because Joss and Marc would be very good for each other (now that April made some improvement to the guy).
    Karen is in one hell of a mess, once again. It will come bite her soon I think, the situation cannot go good for neither party.
    Calista’s story is boring, she barely has any interaction with the girls. I hope it changes soon because the show is losing its balance IMO.
    But it is still pretty damn good.

  10. Ems says:

    April cracked me up in this episode – when she failed miserably to get the hot headmaster’s attention in his office, and when she dropped the tray! Apt reaction! Lol

  11. -B says:

    This is most certainly one of the best episodes to date, perhaps my favorite! It had laughs, tears, heartbreaks, and of course… THREESOMES! I love where this season is heading.
    Does anyone else think Blair has some sort of connection with Paul?
    Does anyone else think Calista’s assistant is gay and is banging her husband? (their whole plan to running away together since they took over her brand)
    Does anyone else think that this season is going to end with Joss going on a plane to see Savi while Harry runs to the airport with a ring in his pocket?
    aaand finally, Does anyone else think that Karen is just nuts? lol i love her hot and messy story line

  12. -B says:

    Joss’ quote better be in the quotes of the week!
    “Threesomes? oh honey i invented them!”

  13. tensor says:

    Given how sudsy this show was when it began, the constant increase in pure crazy is very impressive. Go Karen!

    “Both Alec and Vivian will begin to want Karen to himself/herself, causing Karen to leave them both (of course after experimenting to determine which one she really wants).”

    Or, Karen will want Alec, who really just wants his wife, but Vivian wants Karen. It would be a spinning “love triangle”, or “love tornado,” if you will.

    “Joss’ quote better be in the quotes of the week!”

    Absolutely (fabulous?)!

    “Seven have tried, seven have failed,”

    The writers of “Mistresses” are now using the style guide from “Game of Thrones”?

    On to tonight’s trainwreck, Karen!