Like a flatline that finally goes “bloop,” American Idol‘s Top 12 Girls telecast sprang to life just when I was about to give up, start folding laundry and write an intro to this recap along the lines of “Season 14 officially belongs to the dudes.”
Hail Sarina-Joi! Hail Jax! Hail Tyanna! (And medium tip-a-hat to Maddie!)
Also: Why do the show’s producers insist on front-loading the telecast with weak links — thereby encouraging viewers to check their DVRs and determine whether they merely dreamed that CBS had launched NCIS: Bangor.
Anyhow, if the Idoloonie Nation has an average IQ higher than a ball of dryer lint, we’re on the brink of what could be the most closely matched season in show history. (And yes, I remember Seasons 5 and 6 — where any member of the Top 4 was positioned to receive that luxurious confetti shower.)
I mean, imagine a Top 12 void of someone whose best performances sound like somebody put an iPhone4 in a blender! (Wait, I never said that last sentence was about Lazaro Arbos, so don’t you dare judge me!)
On that cruel note, let me weigh in now with letter grades for each of the night’s performances — along with succinct five-word opinions (gotta keep it pithy — since I also recap the craziness that is How to Get Away With Murder).
Lovey James – OneRepublic’s “Love Runs Out” — Grade: D+ | Verse too low. Pre-chorus? “Yikes!”
Adanna Duru – Clean Bandit and Jesse Glynne’s “Rather Be” — Grade: C+ | Chorus sharper than Ginsu. “Next!”
Alexis Gomez – Miranda Lambert’s “Gunpowder and Lead” — Grade: B- | Overdone track — solid but unspectacular.
Joey Cook – Keith Urban’s “Somebody Like You” — Grade: B+ | Cutesy X 10, but not dull!
Katherine Winston – Taylor Swift’s “Safe & Sound” — Grade: C+ | Face TERRIFIED. Voice tremulous, pretty.
Shannon Berthiaume – Pink’s “Who Knew” — Grade: C | Blank looseleaf paper has more commitment.
Loren Lott – JoJo’s “Note to God” — Grade: C+ | Fourth runner up, Miss California.
Shi Scott – Rihanna’s “Umbrella” — Grade: D- | Rihanna + Lawnmower Blade = Catastrophe.
Maddie Walker – Shania Twain’s “Love Gets Me Everytime” — Grade: B+ | Excellent cover of un-rangey jam.
Sarina Joi-Crowe – Jessie J’s “Mamma Knows Best” — Grade: A+ | Beastly Range + High Kick = Lady Lambert?
Jax – Cher’s “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” — Grade: A | Feather delicacy, imbued with power.
Tyanna Jones – Meghan Trainor’s “Lips Are Moving” — Grade: A- | Lovechild of Teletubbies sun & LaBelle.
Should Go Home: Shi, Shannon, Lovey, Adanna
Will Go Home: Shi, Alexis, Lovey, Adanna
Your turn. Who’d you love from the Top 12 ladies? Who should be and who will be at risk? Take our poll below, then sound off in the comments!