Mistresses Recap: 50 Shades of 'Nay!'

Pop quiz time, courtesy of Mistresses!

Q: You are a licensed psychiatrist (with a schedule that allows you more coffee breaks, lunch dates and late-night hotel hookups than they have bread sticks and salad at The Olive Garden). You come to discover that your former office-mate — a man who puts the “abs” in absolutely smokin’, who once turned you in for medical malpractice, and with whom you’ve recently begun a sexual relationship — just broke up with a twentysomething suicidal prostitute who happens to be your patient. As you’re trying to track down said patient’s whereabouts — turns out she gave you a false address on your office forms — Dr. McCheekbones (who has no idea you’re treating “Anna”… if that’s in fact her name) is all, “Oh, didn’t you know she lives in your apartment building?” What is your next move?

RELATED Revenge Scoop: Brian Hallisay Heads to the Hamptons – as Emily’s New Lover?

A. Check your stove top for a boiling bunny.

B. Rent Single White Female on demand — taking notes on how to end a bitch using the business end of a Louboutin.

C. Pack up your wigs and your favorite alter-ego — Rebecca the Pilates Instructor ™ leads a pretty carefree existence these days — and head for a new life on the east coast.

D. Blithely walk your man to your elevator and steal a quick nuzzle as the doors open — the better to get caught in the act by your emotionally unstable charge.

RELATED Fall TV 2014: Your Handy Calendar of 99 Season and Series Premieres

If you’re Karen Kim, of course, you choose “Least Sensible of the Above!” — in this case, “D”! — because you are Mistresses‘ absurdist gift that just keeps on giving. Sure, somewhere along the way, her highly educated brain got replaced by potpourri from Maison Par la Mer, but Karen’s “first do maximum harm” mantra makes for good TV — even if you occasionally need to press pause, shake your damn head and wonder, “Grrrrrrrrlll” with eight Rs, three Ls and no Is.

Of course, Karen was not the only one dining at the crazy buffet this week. April said goodbye to a priceless sculpture(d torso). Savi decided to hang onto her mansion while changing her “away email” message at work to, “I’ll be away dealing personal issues ’til January 43rd, 2017. If you need immediate assistance, please reach out to the harlot who’s going through my personal files and flashing her assets at my boyfriend.” And Joss woke up to the “don’t go there, sister!” feelings we’ve all been witnessing her express toward her ex-brother-in-law.

With that said, let’s recap the action from the hour, while raising key questions about each of our titular Mistresses.

KAREN | Karen fills in her own therapist on the Jacob-Anna-Herself triangle, and he actually pulls out a decanter of scotch to get him through the session. (Dude, we not only feel your pain, but we raise our glasses in solidarity!) He tells her to end therapy with Anna, so of course she goes and does the opposite — dumping Jacob sans explanation, then freaking out when Anna misses their session and calls her sobbing before hanging up. When she finally ‘fesses up to Jacob about the fact that Anna’s her patient, he’s all, “So you still want to have 10,000 of my babies?” and her eyes are all, “10,001, sexy!” But then Anna sees his lips touch her cheek/neck in the lobby and you just know next week a bunny will pay the price. (Karen probably has a bunny somewhere in her home — because her off-screen life is full of rich and ridiculous treasures, you know.)

Key Questions: Can Karen resume slapping it up, flipping it and rubbing it down now that the cat is out of the elevator? Is it possible Elizabeth Grey hired Anna? (I know that is an insane theory — but we all kinda miss Elizabeth, and the Mistresses writers are twisted enough to go there.) Was this week’s funniest non-verbal moment the side-eye that woman gave Karen when she came to her home of 35 years looking for Anna? Finally, did anyone else notice that girl eating vigorously in the cafe as Karen broke if off with Jacob? “I’ll have what she’s having!”

SAVI | Savi accepts a phony-looking olive branch from Toni, bends it as far back as it’ll go without breaking, and then allows it to snap back into her rival’s face. She then takes her recently rediscovered sauciness — Savi minus Zack is a lot more fun, yes? — and uses it to nix a deal on a condo that looks like a giant men’s room, then buy her half of her dream house back from Harry (an idea that came to her during a wine-soaked packing party with her three besties. Such a sweet scene, eh?)

Key Questions: Who else hopes we’re done on top of done with Zack? Did Dom maybe look a little temped by Toni Taut and Tawdry when she offered him a bazoom (or two) to cry on? And didn’t you howl at her “If you ever want to talk, I’m here ’til midnight, too” purring? Lastly, do we really think Toni wants Dom’s body — or is she just after his partnership?

JOSS | Joss finishes moving into Scott’s abode — and adorably admits she loves him, too — the better to get him to toss the WNBA-sized pumps in his fetish closet. (Anyone wonder if maybe our plastic surgeon was the one who slipped ’em on — just for a change of pace?) Things get a little weird(er), though, when Scott brings Joss to the restaurant in which he’s a silent partner — and it turns out that not only is the chef a dud, but the main investor (Scott’s European supermodel pal) hasn’t tasted any of the food because of a vegan/gluten-free cleanse. Because Joss’ internal filter is set to “f–k it” — and because Greta wants to hire her as the eatery’s event planner — she sets up a secret taste test with Harry’s food, gets him the job and, in the process, raises Scott’s suspicions about her feelings for Harry. She distracts him by letting him fondle her booty (raising something other than Scott’s suspicions — ahem) but there’s a look on her face that’s like an old C&C Music Factory hit: Things That Make Ya Go Hmmm… Is Joss feeling feelings she didn’t know she was feeling? Harry sure clutched her in that “yay for my new job” embrace longer than one ought to do if one only feels sibling affections, no?

Key Questions: Is anyone else joining me yet on the Joss-Harry ship? Or are you Team Scott? Damn, Scott really is adorable — and seems to accept Joss for who she is, accept her for the things that she does… (Sorry, I just heard Candice Glover’s version of “Don’t Make Me Over” in my head there.)

APRIL | April opens the week feeling guilty in bed with Daniel. “Tell me you’ll be back,” he begs, clearly never having looked at himself shirtless in a mirror. Her moral compass temporarily broken against Daniel’s biceps, April becomes like an Aaliyah song — back, back, forth and forth — with her feelings. That is until little Lucy tells her about Peyton’s mom getting cheated on, and how she doesn’t understand how Peyton’s dad and mistress could be so cruel. And so she goes to Daniel’s and breaks it off for good.

Key Questions: Does anyone really believe April won’t be calling Daniel again, let alone “collaborating on an abstract painting” with him? And am I the only one pretty confident the redhead isn’t Daniel’s wife — but something much more dangerous? (And not just because Rochelle Aytes told me last month that ““Even when you think you know the answers, there’s another twist.”

BEST ZINGERS
“WNBA?” —Joss, marveling at a very big shoe as she cleans out Scott’s fetish closet

“What was that? Bacon-wrapped figs? AOC’s been perking up fruits of all kinds since before The Terminator was mayor.” —Joss, expressing her lack of excitement about the chef’s creations at Wunderbar

“Her baby’s ugly, honey, and somebody’s got to tell her or else it’s gonna get crucified on its first day of school.” —Joss, shooting down the Wunderbar menu and Scott’s argument that it’s her “baby”

“Cabanas!”
“Just what I need.”
Joss and Savi, dishing/dissing the amenities at a condo viewing

“They’re blindfolds. For the guys. It’s a bris.” —Joss, explaining to Harry some of the accessories she’s purchased as party planner

“Guess where I was this morning?”
“Hmm. Spending way too much on pressed juice?”
Joss, deflecting Harry’s line of conversation with beverage chatter

“Yours were way more popular — like, sluttiest girl in school popular.” –Joss, telling Harry how his food performed in a taste test against Wunderbar’s current chef

Your turn. What did you think of this week’s episode? Has Karen lost her damn mind? Why didn’t she ask Jacob how he met Anna? Why wasn’t she all “WHA?” when he said Anna lived in her building? And what’s Toni’s endgame? Hit the comments with your thoughts!