“I’m disturbed on every level,” seethed Sue Sylvester, enjoying one of her funniest episodes of Glee‘s fifth season. But, oh man, did “Trio” — an installment built around varying (and sometimes unexpected) character threesomes — make Sue’s repulsion understandable.
We had Schue and Emma getting it on in the McKinley High faculty bathroom (complete with — gulp — “a successful emission”). We had Sam tongue-wrestling with Tina. We had Becky hopped up on Eleven-Hour Energy Drinks and…actually, I’m not gonna talk about that. And perhaps worst of all, we had New Directions without so much as a finalized set list — one week away from Nationals!
Anyhow, if you were too busy trying to get tickets for the now defunct Pamela Lansbury — or wondering when Marley ceased to speak! — here’s what you missed on Glee:
* Tina, Blaine and Sam — sad to be super close to graduating, and oddly deciding to exclude Artie — tried to make memories together by spending a night locked inside McKinley. Blaine freaked out when Tina and Sam smooched, but by the end, he admitted that, following a senior year that had been “so weird and really hard,” he couldn’t cope with losing control of his vision for the night. Everybody hugged and made up — and embraced Artie, too — winding up in a group sing-along of Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On.” (But what about the setlist for Nationals, guys?)
* Schue stressed out Emma by making an appointment with a fertility doctor — even though they didn’t appear to have been trying to get pregnant for very long. Sue and Beiste (side note: I miss Beiste!) dropped some wisdom on the glee-club adviser that he needed to back off, and help Emma feel relaxed, if they were going to have any chance of making a baby. This led to scenes of Wemma painting a nursery (um, no pressure there!) and getting their foreplay on via an Ever After DVD, popcorn and yellow paint on the nose. Actually, scratch that last one. (Nice touch, Jayma Mays!) The episode ended with Emma canceling her trip to Nationals — because she’s got a bun in the oven. (OK, maybe it was all a little too pat, but with Jayma Mays’ limited episode commitment now that she’s on The Millers, story arcs must be zoomed along, y’know?)
* In NYC, Rachel hilariously took advantage of Elliott’s hospitality by moving in, claiming his bed and turning him into a “best gay”/personal assistant. Santana countered by trying to claim the charismatic vocalist as her own BFF — leading to a rivalry so intense that Kurt, Elliott and Dani (remember her?) kicked Rachel and Santana out of their band and basically refused to deal with them until they could bring down the toxicity levels. Rachel and Santana put aside their feud to attend the debut of “One Three Hill,” and later, in the episode’s best scene, both of ‘em admitted to having a lack of close female friends. For the second straight week, Naya Rivera and Lea Michele killed it — this time, with the most subtle softening of their expressions, and an almost unspoken longing to erase their horrible encounter from the prior week. It wouldn’t be at all believable that Rachel and Santana could recover from the slap heard round the Gleekdome — if not for the actresses fully inhabiting these roles.
And with that, let’s cut to grades for this week’s musical performances:
Tina, Blaine and Sam, “Jumpin’ Jumpin” — Grade: B+
Elliott and Rachel, “Barracuda” — Grade: A+ (beasts!)
Tina, Blaine and Sam, “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” — Grade: C
Will and Emma, “Danny’s Song” — Grade: I (Cahhhhn’t)
Elliott, Rachel and Santana, “Gloria” — Grade: B+
Kurt, Dani and Elliott, “The Happening” — Grade: A-
Tina, Artie, Blaine, Sam, Rachel, Santana, Kurt Dani & Elliott, “Hold On” — Grade: B-
Week’s Best Quotes
“Oh God, why?” –Sue, discovering Emma and Will are trying to conceive
“Why does everything you say have to sound like that?” –Kitty, marveling at Unique speaking in the third person and referring to Blaine-Sam-Tina’s performance as “all three-yoncé in the spotlight”
“The only thing I can see you giving birth to is a bushel of Russet potatoes.” –Sue, weighing in on Beiste’s reproductive prospects
“I was looser than a Reno slot machine.” –Sue, describing her physical state after being serenaded by Kenny G and Michael Bolton — right before the latter musician impregnated her
“Where do you come from? It seems like a dude ranch on a nuclear waste site.” –Sue, probing Beiste’s origin story
And this one’s not funny, per se, but it does exemplify the cheesiness of manchild Will Schuester (as he tries not to put pressure on his wife to get pregnant, of course)
“The only work of art that belongs in here is the one we’re gonna make together.” –Schue, explaining to Emma his decision to turn the craft room into a nursery
And with that, I pass the mic to all y’all:
What did you think of this week’s Glee? What was your favorite musical number? Take our poll below, then hit the comments and expand on your thoughts!