The Bachelor Season Premiere: Best/Most Soul- Crushing Moments of Juan Pablo's ¡'Aventura'!

CLARE, JUAN PABLO GALAVISThe Bachelor is back — and this time (despite having been born in Ithaca, NY) he’s got a hot Venezuelan accent, an adorable pre-K daughter and a gluteus maximus that’ll probably yield more Google image searches in 2014 than Kim Kardashian’s and Pippa Middleton’s combined.

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How hot is Juan Pablo — “El Bachelor Latino” (his words, not mine)? So hot that ABC had to open up casting to 27 shrieking (but mostly sexy) she-beasts (up from the usual 25). So hot that the ladies weren’t just talking marriage during the opening cocktail party, but throwing around the term “stepmother” as if they’d already gone to and mocked up princess-themed invites for little Camilla’s fifth b’day. “Juan Pablo fever has reached epidemic proportions!” exclaimed host Chris Harrison, detonating a stick of dynamite under the word “hyperbole” while exhibiting neither the slightest hint of embarrassment nor authenticity.

Who’s likeliest to “win”? I’d go with gorgeous (and seemingly not insane) single mom Renee (who can throw a mean football) or maybe Nurse Nikki (who had Juan Pablo biting his fist with lust as he watched her going into the mansion). If it’s neither of the above, my third choice would be Andi, the hot prosecutor who exhibited a lusty chemistry with our protagonist during their initial chat.

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But let’s not get hung up on who’s getting fake-engaged (and then landing an InTouch breakup cover) before the Easter Bunny comes hoppin’. Instead, let’s focus on more important winners and (mostly) losers from the season premiere:

Most Tragic Bachelorette Chryron
“Cassandra, Former NBA Dancer” (wouldn’t “unemployed” have been more dignified?)

Most Tragic Bachelorette Chryron: Runner-Up (Tie)
“Lucy, Free Spirit” (ugh, and barefoot at the party, too…let’s hope the Bachelor Pad germs have been Hazmatted away)
“Kelly, Dog Lover” (no offense to our four-legged friends, but come ON!)

Season’s Unofficial Theme (based on Juan Pablo’s “running” and “beach fun” scenes)
Destiny’s Child’s “Bootylicious”

“Not Hear Here to Make Friends” Prize
Self-described “pretty girl” Valerie, threatening to file down her nails into the cloven hooves of Satan’s minion (or at least that’s what I read between the lines)

Best Upgrade
Juan Pablo rejecting the word “journey” and instead selecting “adventure/aventura”

Best Cliffhanger
Gorgeous Clare, sharing that her late dad made a DVD for her future husband — one that not even she has watched (oh, grrrrrl, please don’t share with JP — no matter how hard the producers push you/not unless he puts a ring on it!)

Most Humiliating Moment (tie)
Composer Lauren S’ badly botched note as she played a self-composed tune

Most Humiliating Moment (tie)
Clare emerging from the limo with a fake pregnancy bump, the better to indicate she’s out of her flippin’ mind ready to be a stepmom

Most Honest Quote (tie)
“It feels like you’re a meal, and they want to eat you right there.” –Juan Pablo, as the ladies emerged from their limos

Most Honest Quote (tie)
“What matters to me is either I feel something or I don’t — and it’s a little early for me.” –Sharleen, blasé recipient of the first-impression rose, which was accepted with something akin to a shoulder shrug and a “thanks, sir” (!!!)

Most Uncomfortable Quote
“This is kind of breaking me.” –Lauren J, clearly still reeling from the recent (and sudden) dissolution of her engagement

Ought to Know Better
Danielle, Psychiatric Nurse

Most Apt Metaphor
Chelsie lamenting that there was only room for Juan Pablo in their photo-booth snapshots

Most Apt Juxtaposition
Elise saying she felt like it was love at first sight, then adding that Juan Pablo couldn’t remember her name

What did you think of The Bachelor season premiere? Who will “win”? Take our poll below, then hit the comments with your thoughts.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Sharleen’s “Uh…sure” may have come off as insulting, but I thought it was a hoot. Nice to see someone who isn’t going bonkers at the start and wants to feel this out.

  2. I don’t know why people watch this (and I am one of them). There is so much drama, over one guy.

    Plus the baby scam and the suicide. Suicide is a serious subject and not to be thrown around lightly.

    I mean sure Juan Pablo is good looking, however I have my soul mate for life, and I did not have to go on a show to get him.

  3. wrstlgirl says:

    The desperation was oozing from those ladies pores straight out of the limo. It made me feel awkward I couldn’t stop laughing.

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    • Shroom says:

      Ohhhh….k. I’m just going to step away slowly without turning my back on you.

      • Marcie says:

        Get a grip. He’s practicing his English!

        • notquite says:

          No, he’s hawking his website. All the posts that go along those lines in these forums always have product name or web-page hidden somewhere, often in the user name. Sometimes a post like that pops up 3 months after anyone has posted. Some of them are typed out by programmed bots.

  5. DavidSask says:

    Some major crazies need to be weeded out asap and best not be manipulated to stay around for airtime plots. LOL at the Canuck with the WTF attitude of first rose and calling him SIR?!

  6. Corky St. Clair says:

    So glad you’re recapping the bachelor again, Slezak! Spot on and concise. I read reality Steve for the spoilers but appreciate your sense of humor so much more. Keep it coming the whole season, please!

  7. Kate says:

    Slezak, I love you, but how could you choose any humiliating moment over Kylie mishearing JP and LEAPING forward for a rose — only to find out she was getting the boot after all? Somewhere, that girl is ugly wasted tonight.

  8. A says:

    I like watching the Bachelorette better… probably because of all the guys

  9. Saabgirlatx says:

    Early faves are Renee, Andi and Clare!

  10. Shroom says:

    I really don’t mean to be the Spelling Nazi here, just want to make sure I didn’t miss a joke in the “Not Hear to Make Friends” award. Is that a typo instead of “Here” or am I missing an inside joke? Don’t shoot me.

  11. Annie says:

    “Not Hear to Make Friends” should be “Not *Here* to Make Friends”

  12. Timmah says:

    These girls are so devoid of any kind of interesting personality that he had to give his first impression rose to the Ice Queen. Too funny.

  13. Steve F. says:

    You know, I hate to admit this, but I like Sharleen. Out of the various ladies, she appears mature and poised – if I were in his position, I too would give her the First Impression rose. The question is, would her disinterest cause her to walk off the show (as I can see happening)?

    The other gals that made an impression on me: Alli (kicking a soccer ball in an evening gown), Kelly and Molly (let’s face it, she got in because of Molly – and if she gets eliminated, can they keep Molly on the show?), Lauren S. (even though she was sharp near the end of her song), and Elise.

    As for the gal who gets in a drunken rage later this season, my money’s on the hippie, I mean, “free spirit” Lucy. Too easy, but I can see her doing that.

  14. CL says:

    Actually the “former NBA dancer” and “free spirit” could be said to be the *most* qualified/successful by Bachelor standards. Cassandra is Rodney Stuckey’s baby mama, and Lucy is the Snapchat founder’s girlfriend.

  15. Shroom says:

    Did the pregnant girl remind anyone else of the first season of Burning Love?