The Bachelor Season Premiere: Best/Most Soul- Crushing Moments of Juan Pablo's ¡'Aventura'!

CLARE, JUAN PABLO GALAVISThe Bachelor is back — and this time (despite having been born in Ithaca, NY) he’s got a hot Venezuelan accent, an adorable pre-K daughter and a gluteus maximus that’ll probably yield more Google image searches in 2014 than Kim Kardashian’s and Pippa Middleton’s combined.

RELATED | Save the Dates: Your Guide to More Than 100 Winter Premieres and Finales

How hot is Juan Pablo — “El Bachelor Latino” (his words, not mine)? So hot that ABC had to open up casting to 27 shrieking (but mostly sexy) she-beasts (up from the usual 25). So hot that the ladies weren’t just talking marriage during the opening cocktail party, but throwing around the term “stepmother” as if they’d already gone to tinyprints.com and mocked up princess-themed invites for little Camilla’s fifth b’day. “Juan Pablo fever has reached epidemic proportions!” exclaimed host Chris Harrison, detonating a stick of dynamite under the word “hyperbole” while exhibiting neither the slightest hint of embarrassment nor authenticity.

Who’s likeliest to “win”? I’d go with gorgeous (and seemingly not insane) single mom Renee (who can throw a mean football) or maybe Nurse Nikki (who had Juan Pablo biting his fist with lust as he watched her going into the mansion). If it’s neither of the above, my third choice would be Andi, the hot prosecutor who exhibited a lusty chemistry with our protagonist during their initial chat.

RELATED | Winter TV Spoiler-palooza: Your Scoop-Filled Guide to 31 Returning Series

But let’s not get hung up on who’s getting fake-engaged (and then landing an InTouch breakup cover) before the Easter Bunny comes hoppin’. Instead, let’s focus on more important winners and (mostly) losers from the season premiere:

Most Tragic Bachelorette Chryron
“Cassandra, Former NBA Dancer” (wouldn’t “unemployed” have been more dignified?)

Most Tragic Bachelorette Chryron: Runner-Up (Tie)
“Lucy, Free Spirit” (ugh, and barefoot at the party, too…let’s hope the Bachelor Pad germs have been Hazmatted away)
“Kelly, Dog Lover” (no offense to our four-legged friends, but come ON!)

Season’s Unofficial Theme (based on Juan Pablo’s “running” and “beach fun” scenes)
Destiny’s Child’s “Bootylicious”

“Not Hear Here to Make Friends” Prize
Self-described “pretty girl” Valerie, threatening to file down her nails into the cloven hooves of Satan’s minion (or at least that’s what I read between the lines)

Best Upgrade
Juan Pablo rejecting the word “journey” and instead selecting “adventure/aventura”

Best Cliffhanger
Gorgeous Clare, sharing that her late dad made a DVD for her future husband — one that not even she has watched (oh, grrrrrl, please don’t share with JP — no matter how hard the producers push you/not unless he puts a ring on it!)

Most Humiliating Moment (tie)
Composer Lauren S’ badly botched note as she played a self-composed tune

Most Humiliating Moment (tie)
Clare emerging from the limo with a fake pregnancy bump, the better to indicate she’s out of her flippin’ mind ready to be a stepmom

Most Honest Quote (tie)
“It feels like you’re a meal, and they want to eat you right there.” –Juan Pablo, as the ladies emerged from their limos

Most Honest Quote (tie)
“What matters to me is either I feel something or I don’t — and it’s a little early for me.” –Sharleen, blasé recipient of the first-impression rose, which was accepted with something akin to a shoulder shrug and a “thanks, sir” (!!!)

Most Uncomfortable Quote
“This is kind of breaking me.” –Lauren J, clearly still reeling from the recent (and sudden) dissolution of her engagement

Ought to Know Better
Danielle, Psychiatric Nurse

Most Apt Metaphor
Chelsie lamenting that there was only room for Juan Pablo in their photo-booth snapshots

Most Apt Juxtaposition
Elise saying she felt like it was love at first sight, then adding that Juan Pablo couldn’t remember her name

What did you think of The Bachelor season premiere? Who will “win”? Take our poll below, then hit the comments with your thoughts.