Quotes of the Week: Best Zingers From Chelsea Lately, Once, Family Guy, NCIS, Braxtons & More

On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donder and…on television!

Yes, folks, TV is the endless font from which we bring you Quotes of the Week, a collection of the best zingers from the last seven days.

RELATED | Who Is TVLine’s Performer of the Week?

This time around, we’ve got a cookie exchange on NCIS, a subtle warning on Revenge, some elfin magic on Family Guy, an Olympic interlude on SNL and much more. So click through the gallery below for our latest batch of honorees, then hit the comments to weigh in on your faves — and add anything we’ve inevitably missed!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. rk535 says:

    Great list!! Love Emma and Hook. There were so many important lines from that episode. :) Love the I Love Lucy reference too!

  2. Steven says:

    The guy sitting behind Victoria is really cute. I wonder who he is.

  3. HeatherC says:

    Of all the wonderful lines that were said in that OUAT episode, you picked that one?! Lame. I would have picked Regina and Henry’s interaction before he and Emma crossed the town line because that was way more meaningful than something from the stupid Triangle of Doom. =P

    • Lauren says:

      what is your flipping problem? they wrote a whole tribute this weekend to the regina henry scenes. wtf. someone has blinders on.

    • Jess says:

      Yeah that line wasn’t that funny or memorable. But the media loves to play up Captain Swan, so I’m not surprised.

    • JG says:

      I agree, that was not the most interesting line of the whole show. Just trying to make those annoying CaptainSwan shippers happy. I personally liked the whole scene where rumple is saying goodbye to Neal and Belle.

      • Fey says:

        lol haters. why so bitter. it was a great line

        • meresger says:

          It was a terrible line. The CS is so freak’n forced on this show. Hook has been reduced to a lovesick idiot and the very fact that Emma is swooning over a man who threw her head first into a wall a week earlier and tried to kill her and her family before that is just disgusting. They barely know each other at all, but suddenly Hook is in love with her and Emma has gone from loving Neal, to being afraid to love him, to not giving a damn about him (in the span of a week as well) all to pander to the most vocal (and crazy) of the fans. Why did we need that useless line detracting from Henry having a moment more with his family or Emma with her parents? It’s bad writing, and shame on you, Team TVLine, for picking this over many better lines in this episode, including Pan’s speech to Gold and Regina’s words to Emma and Henry. Save this line for the lame “Ship Shape” series and at least pretend that you care about the fans of OUAT who don’t ship CS.

      • Steph says:

        Yeah seriously, there were so many other loaded, intense and beautifully shot lines in this ep and they chose the most basic, eye roll-inducing one that HAPPENS to cater to a certain fanbase. Figures.

  4. Martin says:

    The Carrie Diaries: Carries Dad to Walt (who is describing the golden girls to him) – Four women sitting around talking about their lives….I don’t see it lasting.

  5. Jim says:

    How about NCIS: LA when Nell & Deeks are trying to find Callen & Sam who went dark. Nell tells Deeks that they are out of ammo & Deeks says “So you think they’re at Wal-Mart?” That should have made the list.

  6. Thom says:

    The reindeer’s name isn’t Donder; it’s Donner.

    • Thom says:

      Unless, of course, you go with the German name rather than the traditional English name.

      • Stormy says:

        Clement Moore [an american] first named the reindeer in “A Visit From St. Nicholas” in 1837. German pronunciation has nothing to do with it.

      • KCJ says:

        In the 1844 printing by Clement Clarke Moore the reindeer is called Donder. The 1948 song “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” changed the name to Donner. Donner and Blitzen mean Thunder and Lightning in German.

      • Jax says:

        Actually, if you really want to get technical…the original version was published in 1823 and used the names Dunder and Blixem which is Dutch for Thunder and Lightning. Over the years they got changed for various reasons but all of the names have been published and are acceptable depending on what you feel like. (you can learn more about it over on Snopes.com under the holiday section. Look for the article titled “The Donner party’s over.”)

    • cuius says:

      Gives a whole new meaning to kebab

  7. Mars425 says:

    A much better Person of Interest quote-of-the-week:

    “Oh relax, Finch, we’re in a hospital.”

    Sam Shaw being awesome (and also debating ways to distract a Secret Service cadre that may or may not involve fire).

  8. Jennifer says:

    I have to agree that I would have chosen “You’re not a villain, you’re my mom,” over that Hook quote. Henry’s line was nothing short of the culmination of two and half years of character development for both him and Regina.

    • Fey says:

      both lines are great! why do people have to put down another just so what they think is good should be acknowledged.

      • Jennifer says:

        I suppose I could have merely acknowledged the Henry quote but, for no particular reason, I made the statement as if I were making the list myself. Operating under the assumption that not more than one quote could be chosen from the same show, it then became an either/or situation. With this in mind, Henry’s line is in direct opposition to what he says in the pilot, in which he explicitly says Regina is evil and not his real mom. It connects the very first episode to the most recent, creating a perfect book-end and thereby transcending being just a great line to being a reflection of the entire series to date. That is why, in the hypothetical situation in which I am the list-maker, I would choose one over the other. A similar argument could be made for Regina’s “It isn’t (a happy ending) but I can give you one,” which contrasts her saying in the pilot “I shall destroy your happiness…”

    • Steph says:

      The “My gift to you” line Regine delivered to Emma was awesome as well. So many good lines in that episode.

  9. Nichole says:

    Really surprised a line from Master Of Sex final didn’t make the list, where Lester is talking to Masters about how much masturbating is too much, Masters reassures Lester he is fine, when Lester asks how can he know, Masters reply’s that he’s a trained doctor and can spot a serial masturbator from a mile away (not verbatim, just going from memory there) That was very funny, couldn’t tell if Masters was being series or cheeky, Lester seemed relieved at least :P Wonder how many takes it took for Sheen to be able to say that line with a straight face lol

  10. Jo says:

    Love the Captain Swan quote! This episode of OUAT was amazing and featured many other wonderful quotes!

  11. BD says:

    Why must the Captain Swan Shippers be hated on? The whole scene was amazing! It was a heart felt good bye between them and all the characters! People need to realize these characters are in love and stop hating.

    • Danyelle says:

      lol I think its safe to say certain shippers aren’t too “Happy” this weekend….. at least the ones on twitter.

    • Fey says:

      sometimes people refuse to accept something is good just because it’s not their ship, what a shame, i think captain swan is one of the best written couples on tv and has the best storyline, best lines, best chemistry, etc but people will still deny those things because they ship another. it’s a shame the writers and actors should be getting praise for their work but no, their ships must come first

      thank you tvline for acknowledging that line. it was a good line, and it’s an important line considering their storyline. she gave him hope.

      at least as a cs shipper i can acknowledge other ships when it’s doing good. swan queen was great in the episode. i really loved the scene when regina gave emma good memories.

    • sara says:

      lollllll I love Captain Swan fans. Total delusion. Could there be love there? Yeah, but they’re not there yet, and a guy who has been fetishizing Emma and left her to die literally the week before does not equal love at this point in the show.

  12. Kevin in CT says:

    Loved the Cinnamon Girl reference, it’s still one of my favorite songs to this day. I was kinda hoping to hear just a little bit of a CG riff somewhere in that scene but ..alas.

  13. John 1138 says:

    Laughed at Emma bringing the snark. Good choice!

  14. sara says:

    Of all the lines to pick from Once, that was a terrible one. I guess they were going for the vaguely creepy sexual inference rather than heartfelt so I guess it works for Hook, considering they went with sexual assault in the very next scene but I wish the writers had actually written a better line.

  15. nice,

    “Don’t let someone create you, because they might just destroy you.”

    thank you