Randy Jackson Reportedly Out As American Idol Judge: Let Us Bid Good Riddance With A Song
Rumors of Randy Jackson's ouster from the American Idol judges' panel have been percolating since the dawn of time for weeks. And now TMZ is reporting that the man commonly referred to as "the other judge," "that dude who dresses like he's enrolled in a prep school for clowns," and "the devil's mouthpiece" will definitely take on a role mentoring contestants, clearing a spot in the Simon Cowell Memorial Chair for (maybe) Nicki Minaj, Keith Urban, or both. (Hey, if that seat was big enough for Cowell's ego, it can handle Minaj and Nicole Kidman's husband simultaneously.)
I can't lie and say I'm in any way upset by the possibility of a diminished role for Randy. Okay, okay...I'll miss the easy punchlines and kneejerk rage he inspired in my recaps with his relentless name-dropping and penchant for ignoring the performances in front of him (relying instead on a pre-determined script served up by executive producer Nigel Lythgoe and his minions). But other than that, "good riddance," I say.
Sure, change is scary. And yeah, I know a lot of folks subscribe to "better the devil you know." But after 11 seasons of "for me, for you," "kinda pitchy," "yo yo yo, ummm...uhhhh...so listen, dawg, check it out..." nonsense, there's no way Idol can do any worse. Right? Right?
With that in mind, I've reworked the lyrics to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" — new title, "Underachieving" — to bid farewell to Randy and to pay tribute to his remarkably consistent ability to disappoint. (Click here if you need a little musical accompaniment while you're reading.) Here we go...
"UNDERACHIEVING"Just an average Joe
But damn he made a lot of dough
He snagged an empty seat on the Idol beat
Just a waste of space? Oh not when he would slap da bass! He clutched his swivel chair, Simon's out of thereYoung singers in a conference room Half-choked by J.Lo's "Glow" perfume Hit the notes, they'll be on tee-vee It goes on and on and on and onViewers watching Almost 20 million strong They're dialing, texting through the night Singing hopefuls Spill their guts and their emotions Randy, half-bored, "It's a'iight."Phoned it in but still got paid Nigel's script must be obeyed Squashing threats to the "chosen ones" each and every timePraising Lauren, crushing Haley Season 10 brought our rage out daily Verbal gaffes made our jaws dip low He'd go on and on and on and onSpeculating He's a human barnacle! He's clinging wildly to the boat Sinking ratings "Come on Fox, he's verbal poison! Please give us the antidote!"Underachieving Now Randy's finally leaving Rejoice, people...oh oh ohhhhhhUnderachieving Hold up, there's no grieving Boycott, Swaybots...oh oh ohhhhUnderachieving Season 12's believing! Tune in, people...whoa-oh-ohhhhh....
What do you think? Will you miss anything at all about Randy Jackson on the judges' panel? If so, hit the comments and share. If not, scroll down and express your unfiltered joy! And for all my Idol news, interviews, and commentary, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!