True Blood Recap: The New, Even Bigger Bad Is…

True Blood Season 5In this week’s True Blood, Russell slipped into his new position of power as eagerly as if it was his late, beloved Talbot’s arms. But he only got to revel in being fanger-in-chief for a coupla scenes before someone even higher-and-mightier showed up. Here’s how it all went down:

LILITH FAIR | In the wake of Roman’s murder, the Sanguinista regime – Russell, Salome and Nora (aka Regrettably Still Not Kate Beckinsale) – invites Bill, Eric and the chancellors to switch teams. “Uh, I don’t know about all that,” says the look on pretty much all of their faces, at least until Russell beheads the chancellor who actually says it out loud. After that, there’s a whole lot less hemming and hawing and a whole lot more sampling of what we’re told is literally Lilith’s blood. Even though they’re all vampires, this super-mega-vampire blood gets them high as kites and sets them off on a gory Bourbon Street pub crawl that is crashed by none other than – that’s right – Lilith herself. While we’re busy wondering if she travels in a blood droplet as an homage to Glinda the Good Witch and her bubble, Godric appears to Eric and tells him, in essence, “Chow time’s over. Put a stop to this eating-people nonsense.” Buzzkill!

THE NEW NORMAL | Learning from Claude that, since she is only half-fairy, her magic can be depleted and even go away totally if she uses it up, Sookie imagines a life for herself in which she can’t read minds or zap people with microwave fingers. Since that’s a pretty sweet life, she opts to go for it – more or less immediately – by shooting laser beams into the sky. This, in turn, draws the attention of Jason, who was just leaving Bill’s mansion after… well, keep reading.

TEMPER, TEMPER | When Jason informs Jessica that a vampire killed his parents and he’s going to avenge their murders, she soothes him with a kiss… which regrettably tastes like the himbo on whom she was just feeding. This leads to a major his-and-hers hissy, one that ends with her angrily biting him and him shooting her in the head. Oh, those crazy kids.

ANIMAL PLANET | For some reason, while training for his big packmaster smackdown with JD, Alcide seems to completely forget that he’s in love with Sookie and puts the moves on she-wolf Rikki. (Huh?) Martha once again insists that JD’s not on V, then is forced to eat her words when she catches him offering the drug to little Emma while recruiting four-legged soldiers for the coming vampire-human war. Meanwhile, Sam (literally) sniffs out one of the Obama-masked killers dressed as an orderly at the very hospital where Luna is convalescing, and No-Longer-Quite-So-Emo Hoyt feels so loved by the hate group that he becomes its newest member.

AND ANOTHER THING… | In Mexico, Lafayette is reunited with Jesus’ severed head, which Don Bartolo has artistically placed on Buster Bluth’s hand chair from Arrested Development. The villain is about to kill Lafayette, thereby implanting the brujo magic he apparently never should have been given by Jesus in Mrs. Bartolo’s about-to-be-born baby, when surprise! The pregnant lady stabs her husband to death. (OK… ) At Fangtasia, Lettie Mae pays Tara a visit to say hi and… Oh, right. Lettie Mae never does anything nice. She actually stops by to disown her daughter. There is a silver lining to the big “ouch,” though: Not only does Pam compliment Tara on her pole-dancing skills, she actually comforts her, leading to one of the most uncomfortable hugs you are likely to see this (or any) week. Finally, Terry – possibly as tired of the smoke monster story as the rest of us – considers killing himself.

So, what did you think of the episode? If you were Sookie, would you give up your fairy powers? What do you make of Alcide macking on Rikki? Does Sam remind you of Family Guy’s Brian Griffin when he’s ROFS (rolling on the floor sniffing), or is that just us? Answer away in the comments below!