If, like me, you’ve been lucky enough to miss the first eight seasons of Oxygen’s Bad Girls Club franchise, you might be blissfully unaware of this bloated, pustule-ridden underbelly of reality television that makes the Kardashian sisters look like Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Based on the show’s Season 9 premiere (set in Cabo San Puke-us, Mexico) , it’s clear the show’s formula is a simple one: Corral a pack of trashily dressed, trucker-mouthed she-beasts in a mansion, ply them with liquor, and wait for them tostart violently assaulting one another. Rinse (with gin), lather, and repeat. To be honest, I don’t know why Oxygen doesn’t just buy a burnt-out shack in rural Ohio, fill it with a brood of chickens, a pack of wild dogs, and a few feral cats, then let nature take its course. They’d get the same horrific footage at a fraction of the cost!
But I digress. You want details? Brace yourselves, *#$@^%*#!!!
* The proceedings began with cast members introducing themselves in home-video footage/confessionals comprised of grim boasts (“I’m the loudest person in the rhuuum*!” screeched Julie, while Ashley declared herself “not classy at all whatsoever.”); charming vignettes (Rima recounted how she’s inclined to shout “Whose d–k do I have to suck to get in the club?” whenever she arrives at an event where there’s a line at the entrance and she doesn’t know the bouncer); dubious claims (Mehgan repeatedly referred to President Barack Obama as her “stepdad”); and grainy footage of the “ladies” dropping their derrieres to the floor and shaking ’em like bowls full of jelly**. (*That’s how this monstrous collection of human cells pronounces “room.”) (**Apologies there to Clement Clarke Moore.)
* Apparently, part of being a “bad girl” is making instant snap judgments about the appearance of any/all women you encounter. Mehgan described Erika as “the big, beasty bitch,” Rima and Mehgan quickly announced their deep hatred of Christina’s eyebrows, and Falen took an instant disliking to Christina and Ashley, the two “bitches” who arrived via boat. How dare they! (Side note, Falen is just one missing ‘L’ away from being able to be described as “that Fallen woman.” A pity!
* My favorite quote from drunken, stumbling mess Ashley, presented with no further comment: “I’ve got weak ankles, so falling over is just one of the things I do.” (Let the accompanying photo serve as Exhibit A of this alarming medical condition.)
* Rima, described initially by Mehgan as “the really pretty Mexican looking one, but she’s not Mexican,” was deemed “classy” by her fellow housemates, but only until she lapped up her afternoon alcohol and was released into the wild. “There’s no rules for me,” she announced. “I’m gonna take off my clothes. I look classy, and I will go do trashy things.” And then, she raised her skirt, flashed her ass cleavage to all of Cabo, and finally dropped to her stomach on a bar top and wriggled her body like she was attempting to win an Olympic gold medal in skankery. Astonishing. An appalled Mehgan huffed that she couldn’t believe Rima would “lift her dress up at the bar for free.” (Apparently, it wouldn’t be so terrible if she lifted up her dress at the bar for money?)
* A drunken sidewalk confrontation between Julie and Christina ended with the latter creature spitting in the former’s face, then gyrating all up in Julie’s grill, accusing her rival of jealousy, and screeching, “Look at it and love it!” An hour or so later, Christina suggested they be friends.
* The night’s final indignity arrived when Falen, Julie, and Mehgan took offense at Rima’s failure to bathe before wading into the hot tub. “Who doesn’t shower after a night of dancing on the bar, stripper poles, and liquor. Ewww. Gross,” offered Mehgan, while Falen summed it up more succinctly: “Clean your cooch!” When Erika told Rima about the girls’ comments — “I’m snitchin’ ’cause I wanna see them box,” Erika confessed — Rima and Mehgan obliged, slapping and clawing at each other in the white, cement-block hallway as a team of “security” dudes attempted to pry them apart. To be continued! I can’t wait to not tune in next week.
Anyone else watch the Season 9 premiere of Bad Girls Club? Share your thoughts, feelings, and psychological scars below!