True Blood Recap: Sex, Lies and Death

Those of you who haven’t already seen Sunday’s episode of True Blood — the fifth season’s fourth, if you’re keeping track — will probably want to heed this ginormous SPOILER ALERT! warning and put off reading this recap until you have. The rest of you, fangs out and dive in!

Apologies in advance: Partaking of this week’s True Blood recap may make you feel like you’re reading an obituaries column. But seriously, they’re dropping like flies on that show! Though Sookie, Tara and (yawn) Nora all lived through their latest brushes with death, Sam’s shifter pals bought the farm, and Roman shrank the council by one. And we learned that, ages ago, Sookie and Jason’s parents were killed by (ruh-roh) vampires! Here’s how it all went down:

MOMMIE DEAREST | No sooner had Pam prevented Tara from completing her tanning-booth transformation into George Hamilton than Eric — unnecessarily violently, it seemed — asked his progeny if she was involved in Russell’s release. (She wasn’t — duh!) Later, after Eric explained that he was done for if he failed to dispatch the former king of Mississippi — and done for even if he succeeded — Pam allowed him to sever their maker/makee ties, thus ensuring that his bloodline would continue through her (and, by extension, Tara).

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DEATH BECOMES HER | When Sookie told Lafayette that she’d told Alcide that they’d bumped off Debbie — whew! — the glamtastic fry cook was so pissed that he went all brujo spooky-headed again. This time, not only did he key his gal pal’s car with his bare hands — kids, don’t try that at home… or anywhere! — he also magically tampered with her accelerator and brakes, almost making her fairy road kill. The day ended pretty well for the clairvoyant, however: She went home, got plastered and made out with Alcide to thank him for lying to Debbie’s parents that Marcus was her killer.

CHILD’S PLAY | Even when threatened with the true death, Nora refused to name names — that is, the names of her “fellow” Sanguinistas. But when Roman threatened her brother, then suddenly she was all [whisper, whisper]. It looked like, at the subsequent council meeting, the Guardian was going to stake Barb from Cougar Town. (Would she have sprayed pinot noir?) In the end, though, it turned out to be the pint-sized Justin Bieber that Nora had accused.

BACK TO THE FUTURE | Escorted by sleazoid Judge Clements to a netherworld disco, Andy was reunited with his fairy lover, Maurella, and Jason learned from his cousin, Hadley — once Queen Sophie-Anne’s girlfriend, now a waitress at this supernatural Studio 54 — that he and Sookie were orphaned by blood-suckers. Oh, and there was also a pretty wicked dance routine — think Showgirls meets Cabaret — that you should for sure look up on YouTube. (How often does True Blood give you a musical number, after all?)

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LOVE AND HUMAN REMAINS | Sam reconnected with his old shifter support group buddies in one scene, and they were dead by the next. (Mayhaps Martha and the pack haven’t really let him off the hook for Marcus’ demise?) Bill and Eric got an eyeful of Sookie’s aforementioned make-out session with Alcide when they showed up at her place to question her about Russell’s unearthing. And, en route to Eller’s bunker in South Dakota with Patrick, Terry suffered another flashback to Iraq, this one revealing just how violent and disturbed the suspected arsonist was. (And, judging from the welcome they receive from him at gunpoint, apparently still is.)

Your thoughts? Are you glad Sookie and Alcide are finally getting together? Or were you rooting for a reunion of Sookie and Eric… or Sookie and Bill? Sound off, as per the norm, below.