Dumpster Dive: Snooki's Fetus Contemplates the Premiere of MTV's Snooki & JWoww

snooki jwowwHi there, I’m Snooki’s fetus, and TVLine asked me if I’d be willing to blog about the premiere of my new MTV series Snooki & JWoww — which, interestingly enough, rhymes with Wookiee and Hey Now!

I know, I know, my name ought to be part of the title, but I was just a zygote when the show was in development, and I kinda got screwed on a few of the contract deets. The good news, though, is that I’m getting a percentage of the back-end, so I’m pretty sure I’ll have enough money to emancipate myself by the time I’m 11.

Okay, so I should warn you. Not a whole lot happens on the season premiere: My mom tells my grandma that she wants to move out into her own place and “cut the umbilical cord” (a phrase that, naturally, makes me feel skittish). Then there’s a discussion about the definition of the word “Kosher,” and unfortunately at the time of filming, my mic pack wasn’t working so I couldn’t correct my mom that it doesn’t mean “organic, healthy food.” Literally, I am going to have to teach that woman everything.

Aunt JWoww (FYI, I just cahhhhhhn’t with her name), meanwhile, talks about how her thirtieth birthday is on the horizon and how she’s got three years to make a bucket list. Her boyfriend Roger wonders what that means and she’s all “We gotta do what we gotta do,” and then he’s all “one last hurrah?” and she’s all “not a gang-bang hurrah” and threatens to mount his penis above her fireplace, and I’m like “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, maybe I’ll get switched at the hospital and end up with a nice boring couple with nice boring friends in South Orange or Maplewood or something.”

So pretty much the rest of the episode focuses on hunting for apartments in scenic Jersey City, NJ. Mom and the realtor are late, so Auntie JWoww has to wait on the freezing-cold stoop and fret about not having access to a potty. She finally gets inside and realizes there’s no toilet paper, asks my mom to dig through the bag of breakfast treats she brought, and my mom drops one of her classy bon mots: “Can you not wipe your vagina with my bagel?” If mom were a congresswoman (I know, that’s a funny idea), she’d totally be censured.

My mom then says something about the “railroad age” (her scripted-dippy riff on the term “railroad apartment”); Auntie JWoww asks the attractive male and female realtors if they’re doing something that rhymes with “ducking” (hey, I made a vow not to swear before I’m out of diapers); and then they find a nifty apartment that used to be an old firehouse. I want a Dalmatian! Can we get a Dalmatian! Can we get 101 Dalmatians? Can we? Can we?

Nobody is listening, of course, since my mom is telling Auntie JWoww that she just got engaged and that she’s pregnant. “I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone,” says Aunt J, but she’s not so much shocked that my mom is creating a human life, it’s that she thought her boyfriend would be the first one to put a ring on it. (Yeah, it’s a little old, but that Beyoncé jam gets me every time.) My mom, naturally, hits the confessional and ends the episode with yet another zinger that’ll haunt my waking nightmares till delivery day: “Instead of life throwing me a curveball, it threw me a spermball. Obviously.” Oh man, grade school is going to be just one giant shame-spiral for me.

OK readers, I’ve got nothing else left to say. Can I let you take over from here? Hit the comments with your thoughts. I’ve got some Zzzzzz’s to catch before the inevitable development of Snooki & JWoww — Baby Makes Three.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Skeff says:

    My condolences for having to watch this trash as part of your employment.

  2. robinepowell says:

    Why does anyone watch this crap? I’ve seen bits and pieces from a couple of episodes of Jersey Shore and for the life of me cannot figure out what’s interesting about it.

    A reality show about a bunch of twenty something year old kids who live in New Jersy, who think they’re minor royality and entitled to everything.

    these kids whine and complain about everything and tht’ makes them special? Can I get my own reality show please?

  3. Anonymous says:

    Haha. While I would never watch such a stupid and pointless show, I couldn’t help but read an article written by Snooki’s unborn baby. Thanks for making something hilarious from something completely vapid and meaningless.

  4. Evan says:

    The way you’re writing the review is brilliant!

    Watched the show and of course will continue, but after 15 minutes I had to turn it off and go to bed to replenish the brain cells I had lost while watching all that so I could finish it the next morning.

    Still can’t believe Snooki is really that ignorant about so much in life. Our lovely education system at work.

  5. Danielle H says:

    Wow.. that was helarious. I feel so badly for this child..

  6. Giana says:

    Slezak you are hilarious! I won’t be looking forward to another episode of Snooki and JWoww, but I will be looking forward to your commentary!!

  7. Gorm says:

    Slezak, I just found this, and I’m very sorry. Tell Ausellio, or just tell the part of Ausellio’s head that is visible that you dont need to be punished this way. You are a good writer that can bring in the pageviews.

    Seriously, this show is far beneath your talent and insight, please stop recapping it for the sake of our writer/reader relationship.

    I want you to be nice and supple for when XFactor begings its second season of floating towards that iceberg. See!, look at how bad my writing is, you have a gift.

    That said, if you dont produce a video discussion ala-Idolooonies for this year’s XFactor, well, you deserve to be back to recapping MTV faux realitiy, got it?