As American Idol gets closer to the Season 11 finale, its results shows should — by the laws of reality television — get more and more suspenseful. The only problem is that with fewer dreams hanging in the balance, and fewer contestants for evil kitty Ryan Seacrest to bat about like so many trapped mice, the show’s producers have to pad the telecast with alarming amounts of pink slime to fill out the burger.
And thus we get multiple promos for Ice Age: Continental Drift, a Ford “Music Video” so inane that I’m pretty sure Idol producers needed to sedate Jessica Sanchez and Joshua Ledet with tranquilizer darts to get ’em through it, and announcements from Ryan Seacrest touting Season 12 auditions. (File under: I don’t think we’re ready for that jelly.)
Ah well, at least we got Adam Lambert — his hair like the plumage of some awesome tropical bird, his nails painted a hue not even J.Lo would dare to rock — belting out his latest single, “Never Close Our Eyes.” Because let’s be honest, the Idoloonie Nation needed something positive to cling to after Ryan Seacrest delivered results that — once they were unleashed into the universe — felt more repugnant than making a salad from month-old sludge in the back of your refrigerator’s vegetable drawer.
(Pause here for music therapy: THIS IS A…)
Without further ado, let’s cut to the results.
Sent First to the Finale
(Pause here for music therapy: MAAYYYY-UHHHH-NNNN’S WORRRRRR-UH-LLLL-DUH!)
Sent Second to the Finale
(Pause here for music therapy: BUT IT WOULDN’T BE NUTHIN’. NUTTHHHHHHH-IIII-NNNNNN-UH!)
(Pause here for music therapy: WITHOUT A WOMANNNNNN OR A GURRRRRRLLLLL!)
I’m not even sure I have anything left to type. How could Joshua get sent packing after a four-week extravaganza that included “No More Drama,” “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World,” “To Love Somebody” and “Ready for Love”? Somewhere, Lady Justice has dropped her scales and headed straight for the freezer, to fetch her bottle of gin.
Nevertheless, there may have been one silver lining to Joshua’s ouster: A glorious encore of “…Man’s World” that ranks right up there with Haley Reinhart’s “Bennie and the Jets” and Allison Iraheta’s “Cry Baby” in the pantheon of great Idol exit performances. Was I wiping away a tear or ten as Joshua growled about man making the train, to carry the heavy load? As a glass of Sauvignon Blanc is my witness, you betcha!
Plus, Joshua now joins the hallowed ranks of prior Idol second-runners-up (that’s beauty pageant speak for third-place finishers) such as Elliott Yamin, Melinda Doolittle, Allison Iraheta (don’t tell me she was fourth; I’ll never believe you), and Haley Reinhart.
I’d weigh in on Jimmy Iovine’s day-after commentary on Phillip, Joshua, and Jessica, but I can’t bear it. Plus, Lady Justice needs a drink refill, and then she and I need to figure out whether Lisa Marie Presley was singing live or lipsynching there in the forest of the damned. (I didn’t mind her song that much, one way or the other.)
And with that, I send ye to the comments. Ease on down there and tell us if you think the right two contestants made the finale. Or just weep. And congrats to
Joshua and Skylar Jessica and Phillip! Next week’s finale will certainly be notable in its matchup of vocalists who couldn’t be further apart on the musical scale if their names were Ke$ha and Josh Groban.
Also, for all my Idol news, interviews, and recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!Follow @MichaelSlezakTV