That said, since this particular live blog is for unapologetic couch potatoes/pop-culture junkies/TV addicts, and since I’m typing this while wearing Old Navy sweats and an Allison Iraheta concert t-shirt, I think the more appropriate question is: “What are you eating?”
Me? I’ve got leftover sausage-and-mushroom pizza and a scary amount of Diet Coke to fuel my commentary. And now it’s your turn to head down to the comments to share your Golden Globes menu and talk about which nominees are your favorites. (I’m rooting for Julianna Margulies, The King’s Speech, Pillars of the Earth, and Sofia Vergara, to name a few.) Then, come back at 8 p.m., and we can dish the ceremony together! (Just keep hitting refresh to get my latest observations, and your fellow readers’ up-to-the-minute banter.) (And check out the full list of Golden Globes winners here!)
7:10 p.m. Poor Helena Bonham Carter, destined for the worst-dressed list. Her outfit reminds me of that line from AbFab where Eddy chastises Saffie for donating her clothes to charity: “Imagine my shock at seeing a homeless guy crawl out of a carboard box in my Vivienne Westwood catsuit!”
7:20 Okay, I’m not technically blogging the red carpet, but Christina Aguilera’s crazy bustline is really setting her up for a plethora of “Globes” punchlines in tomorrow morning’s fashion rundowns.
7:22 Justin Bieber’s red-carpet banter/3-D glasses: Rated I…for I Cahn’t.
7:32 It’s amazing what happens sometimes when you leave the last word off the end of a sentence. For example, “Everyone loves their serial killer Dexter.” –Facebook’s Randi Zuckerberg, talking about users’ TV favorites.
7:38 Sofia Vergara confirms that the Modern Family table is probably going to have more fun — read: more champagne and more dessert — than anyone else at tonight’s ceremony.
7:40 “That’s Dame Helen Mirren to you, Carson Daly!”
7:43 Can’t help but wonder if those are Claire Danes’ real lashes. “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s… Latisse?”
8:00 Okay, after some brief technical difficulties on my end, we’re off and running!
8:01 A Charlie Sheen bit to kick things off…and the crowd sounds a wee bit skittish. IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH, PEOPLE.
8:02 Ten points to Johnny Depp for at least giving a little grin while Ricky decimated The Tourist.
8:03 “My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke.” Pretty genius. But not as genius as “Just don’t look at it when you touch it.” Even Hugh Hefner has to be laughing at that one, right?
8:07 Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture goes to…Christian Bale for The Fighter! I can’t lie and say I wasn’t rooting for Geoffrey Rush in The King’s Speech.
8:10 (though it feels like 8:20, no?) Didn’t Christian get the memo that nobody likes a laundry-list acceptance speech?
8:12 Katey Sagal wins Best Actress in a TV Drama for Sons of Anarchy. I’m not sure I’ll be able to hear her acceptance speech over my mind screaming the question: “How did Piper Perabo get a nomination for Covert Affairs?” (Too mean?)
8:13 Loving Katey’s violently orange dress. And loving her for giving a shout-out to the Anarchy writers. (Insert slow clap here.)
8:17 Is there anything creepier than the ritual announcement of Miss Golden Globe? I always feel like they’ve grown them in a child-pageant-y pod or something.
8:18 Pillars of the Earth better win Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for TV because I actually watched it.
8:19 Nope, the Globe goes to Sundance Channel’s Carlos.
8:20 These dudes need to learn to pick up the pace once the band starts playing them off.
8:21 “Please welcome Ashton Kutcher’s dad, Bruce Willis!” I almost choked on my pizza.
8:22 I know it’s not a “great” film, but I am kinda giddy that Red got nominated for a Globe. That scene with Dame Helen Mirren firing a machine gun was the most fun I had at the movies all year.
8:23 It’s time for Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Miniseries, or Movie. I’d be happy with Stonestreet or Colfer.
8:25 And the winner is Chris Colfer for Glee!!!
8:26 “I think I just dropped my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore.” Now that’s how to be sweet, funny, and most importantly SUCCINCT in an acceptance speech. “Well, screw that, kids!”
8:30 I gotta say, a lot has happened in a mere 30 minutes of this telecast, including Michelle Pfeiffer looking unbelievably stunning.
8:31 Gervais pulling no punches: “Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing, I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in. It was messy!”
8:32 Joke even funnier following HFPA dude’s catatonic teleprompter reading.
8:34 Best Actor in a TV Drama goes to…Steve Buscemi for Boardwalk Empire.
8:36 Re. Buscemi’s speech: I got nothin.
8:37 C’mon, Globes, give Best TV Drama to The Good Wife!
8:38 I’d have settled for The Walking Dead, too, but nope, it goes to Boardwalk Empire. Exec Producer Terence Winter leaps past the censors with this: “Holy effin’ crap, we just won a Golden Globe award.”
8:43 I’m not gonna lie to you: I just poured myself a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
8:46 “Jenny From the Block” reference FTW. (Yep, I once attempted that mess at karaoke.)
8:47 I am utterly flummoxed by the J.Lo-Alec Baldwin banter. Anyone else?
8:48 Best Original Ballad Song from a Motion Picture goes to “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” from Burlesque. There is no denying the POWER OF CHER.
8:49 And there’s no denying the charm of Diane Warren’s nervous acceptance speech.
8:50 Survey question: Anyone other than me have the “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” dance remixes on their iPod?
8:51 Original Score trophy goes to Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Social Network.
8:55 Justin Bieber can read!
8:56 (Okay, I’m hating mainly because I’m jealous he has so much hair.)
8:57 OMG TOY STORY 3 HAD BETTER WIN BEST ANIMATED FEATURE!!!
8:58 And yes it does! I cried so hard during the last 15 minutes of that movie that my five-year-old nephew asked me if I was going to be okay. Anyone else have a Toy Story 3 sob story? Do share!
9:00 Were Gervais’ rehab/jail jokes too mean to Mr. Downey? My internal jury is deliberating.
9:02 What an amazing group of nominees for Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical. I’d give the award to Annette Bening, with a consolation prize to Anne Hathaway’s Human Disco Ball gown. (J’adore!)
9:04 And the Globe goes to…Annette Bening for The Kids Are All Right!
9:05 Not every day you get to hear “our awesome sperm donor” in an acceptance speech.
9:10 Gervais’ intro for Sylvester Stallone was pure poetry: “In 10 of the biggest blockbusters of all time, he has shown his extraordinary acting versatility. He has played a boxer and Rambo.”
9:12 Time for Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie. Gotta root for Ian McShane.
9:13 Nope, time for a Big Name Trophy: Al Pacino for You Don’t Know Jack.
9:Infinity I bet all the winners who got played off by the band are silently raging against Mr. Pacino.
9:15 Tilda Swinton came to the stage directly from her side job in the Golden Globes kitchen.
9:16 I’d love Claire Danes (who just won Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie for Temple Grandin) to say: “I didn’t care about winning, but I’d have been damned if I was gonna lose to Jennifer Love Hewitt.”
9:23 I managed to scarf down a second slice of pizza on that last commercial break and now I feel a little bit bad about myself.
9:24 My inner English geek delights in the fact that the title is The Kids Are All Right, not The Kids Are Alright.
9:25 “Don’t turn the channel: We’re still stars.” –Writer Steve Carell
9:26 Why don’t they get Tina Fey and Steve Carell to host the Oscars sometime?
9:27 Aaron Sorkin wins Best Most Picture Screenplay for The Social Network. I won’t ruin the moment by making a joke about Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
9:28 Sorkin, a writer, not surprisingly delivers the night’s best line: “Smart girls have more fun!” Uh-huh.
9:30 Glee‘s Jane Lynch (the only acceptable alternative to Modern Family‘s Sofia Vergara) takes home Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Movie, or Miniseries.
9:31 How awesome is it that Jane Lynch’s acceptance speech is as wry and intelligent as you wanted it to be?
9:34 Side note: Poor Vienna Girardi was robbed in the Best Supporting Actress category for her excellent work in The Bachelor.
9:37 Denmark’s In a Better World wins Best Foreign Film. Meanwhile, Olivia Wilde’s sparkly-flowing frock wins Best On-Stage Gown.
9:39 Helen Mirren says “inseminated” while introducing The King’s Speech. Add it to Annette Bening’s sperm-donor comment, and we just need one more to make a trend.
9:40 VANESSA (L. YEAH) WILLIAMS! Where was her nomination????
9:41 Laura Linney wins Best Actress in a Comedy Series for The Big C. Am I the only person who’s totally stoked? (LOVE that show!) That said, Vanessa ought to make off with the statuette for four years of unrecognized Ugly Betty excellence.
9:46 Jane Fonda takes the stage to “support her friend Cher.” I won’t say anything sarcastic about the star of Nine to Five.
9:48 Up next: Best Actor in a Comedy Series. Is it wrong that I’m rooting against Matthew Morrison just because of that scene where he cried in his car?
9:49 Jim Parsons wins for The Big Bang Theory and his self-deprecating speech is a winner: “My writers, the writers. My writers? How crass! The truth comes out!”
9:50 Is it just me or is Jeremy Irons channeling Sean Connery to announce the nominees for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture?
9:51 And the winner is…Melissa Leo for The Fighter!
9:54 After wins for Melissa Leo and Aaron Sorkin, I wonder if we’ll see any additional trophies go to former TV MVPs working in cinema.
9:58 Gotta say: This telecast is ZIPPING along. It’s not just my Trader Joe’s vino me, right?
9:59 Matt Damon is beating the dull right out of his intro for Robert De Niro’s Cecile B. De Mille award. Well played, sir!
10:02 And I’m glad they’re not skimping on the De Niro highlight reel. This is one helluva body of work, and the Taxi Driver-Rocky & Bullwinkle juxtaposition was mighty nice.
10:10 Re. this new Kathy Bates series: I’ll watch her in the first episode of anything.
10:14 Oh lord, you just knew they’d cut to Angelina Jolie after the Megan Fox-intro’d reel for The Tourist.
10:16 David Fincher scores a Best Director trophy for The Social Network, thanks all the folks behind the scenes “without whom I’d just be a bitter man with a lot of opinions.”
10:18 January Jones: #GownFail
10:19 Best Comedy Series goes to Glee (over Modern Family? Srsly?).
10:24 Alicia Keys is reading the Black Swan highlight reel intro like she’s at a poetry slam, no?
10:25 Audience literally hooting and hollering for Halle Berry’s hotness. (!)
10:26 Best Actor in a Comedy goes to Paul Giamatti for Barney’s Version. Did he say something profane or did my sound drop off at the start of his speech for no apparent reason?
10:32 I’m rather enjoying Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s hepped-up energy.
10:33 Doesn’t hurt that he was in Inception, which was freakin awesome.
10:34 Call me a contrarian, but I have to root for Jennifer Lawrence for Winter’s Bone.
10:35 And the Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Drama goes to Natalie Portman for Black Swan. (I’m not mad at her!)
10:36 This acceptance speech is a little unhinged, but Natalie’s “He totally wants to sleep with me!” (followed by dorky laughter) is one of the best things that’s happened all night.
10:38 “The other…is Tim Allen.” I MEAN…
10:39 Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical. I have to root for The Kids Are All Right, though I’d secretly not be upset if Red won.
10:40 And the Globe goes to The Kids Are All Right!
10:41 Anyone hoping this win scores Lisa Cholodenko some Oscar consideration for Best Director?
10:44 Anyone else a little skittish about the prospect of Ricky Gervais introducing Sandra Bullock?
10:46 Gervais goes easy on Bullock: “As she just said to me backstage, ‘Poor people are gross and they smell bad.’”
10:47 (Slow clap) Col-in Firth! Col-in Firth!
10:48 And the Globe for Best Actor in a Drama does indeed go to Colin Firth for The King’s Speech!
10:49 Colin says his trophy is the only thing standing between him and buying a Harley.
10:52 Damn this L’Oreal ad! Let me hear you say: “This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”
10:55 Righteous standing O for the night’s final presenter: Michael Douglas.
10:56 “There’s just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.”
10:57 Golden Globe for Best Drama goes (not surprisingly) to The Social Network.
10:57 (Be the first of your friends to “like” this.)
10:58 Despite getting the night’s biggest prize, Scott Rudin is about to get played off by the band! These people are not playin!
10:59 Ricky ends the night with this blasphemous note: “Thank you to God for making me an atheist. Thank you.”
11:00 And thank YOU, TVLine.com readers, for hanging out with me tonight. Golden Globes 2011 was a blast, and we’ve got a lot more fun ahead of us. Check back with me in the days, weeks, and months ahead as I recap all your favorite reality TV shows, starting with the return of American Idol on Wednesday. And to get all my views and news, be sure to follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV. Oh, and be sure to check back at TVLine.com all day on Monday to get tons and tons of scoop from my jaunty colleagues.