There aren’t many guarantees in life — but our Sunday publication of Quotes of the Week is one of ’em!
In the list below, we’ve gathered a dozen of television’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including moments both scripted and unscripted from broadcast, cable and streaming series.
This time around, we’ve got a weirdly prophetic joke about daytime television from this week’s Night Court, Riker’s realization that he’s indeed getting older on Star Trek: Picard, a Days of Our Lives torture tactic that we hope to never endure ourselves, and a particularly gut-wrenching moment from Monday’s shocking episode of All American. (If you haven’t watched yet, stop scrolling!)
Also featured in this week’s roundup: a double dose of Shrinking, plus quotable moments from The Conners, RuPaul’s Drag Race, 1923 and more shows.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves!
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STAR TREK: PICARD
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “Your hands are stiff, my knees are killing me… So long as we don’t have to move or shoot, we should be fine.”
Riker (Jonathan Frakes) and Jean-Luc are realizing they’re not as spry as they used to be
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NIGHT COURT
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “I was just making a passionate defense for my client. The fact that it turned a room full of children against you was just a fun bonus.”
“No, a fun bonus is when you’re watching Live With Kelly and Ryan, but Ryan Seacrest has the day off, so Kelly’s husband fills in, and you get to see their sexual tension for a full hour!”
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THE CONNERS
Image Credit: ABC screenshot (2) “I don’t know how you got in here, but I’m not going to join your church.”
Dan (John Goodman), upon seeing Darlene’s extreme job interview makeover
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ALL AMERICAN: HOMECOMING
Image Credit: The CW screenshot “Can you please ask your computer science friend to work some kind of magic and figure out who posted it?”
“And if they find them, then what?”
“Then I will kindly ask them to stop putting my business in the streets.”
“And if being polite doesn’t work?”
“Then I will go full Solange on them in the elevator.”
Simone (Geffri Maya) has a few different approaches for confronting the Yard Yak user that may have exposed Simone and Damon’s recent kiss
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SHRINKING
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot (2) “Why is she driving you to work?”
“Because she wants company.”
“And she chose you?”
“I’m fun in a car! I do punch buggy!”
Paul (Harrison Ford) wants daughter Meg (Lily Rabe) to know that he’s a fun road companion
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SHRINKING (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot (2) “‘You betcha’? Who the f—k says ‘you betcha’?”
“Reba McEntire.”
Paul (Harrison Ford) has an immediate answer for Gaby’s (Jessica Williams) rhetorical question
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RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE
Image Credit: MTV screenshot “I feel like Nicole Kidman just popped up on the screen at the AMC movie theaters. I am so excited for this!”
Marcia Marcia Marcia’s excitement heading into this week’s LaLaPaRuZa lip sync smackdown is extremely relatable
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CHICAGO FIRE
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “She is just legit scary.”
“I think I started sweating.”
Ritter (Daniel Kyri) and Gallo (Alberto Rosende) are intimidated by Herrmann’s moody teenage daughter after trying to talk to her
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ABBOTT ELEMENTARY
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “I smell arson. Ask any of my exes. It’s always arson. I blame Waiting to Exhale.”
Mr. Johnson (William Stanford Davis) doesn’t believe the fire in the teachers’ lounge was an accident
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1923
Image Credit: Courtesy of Paramount+ “There’s no plumbing? Fascinating the things men fail to mention when they’re trying to bed you.”
Alexandra (Julia Schlaepfer) reacts when new husband Spencer tells her the Dutton ranch doesn’t have electricity or running water
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GHOSTS
Image Credit: CBS screenshot “There’s no way they were all wearing seatbelts.”
Pete (Richie Moriarty), after Flower recounts her date with “however many people can fit in a VW bus”
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DAYS OF OUR LIVES
Image Credit: Peacock screenshot (2) “You can’t send us to hell until you get permission from your boss.”
“But I can make your life pretty unpleasant until then. I have ‘Baby Shark’ on continuous loop, and I’m not afraid to use it.”
Kate (Lauren Koslow) may be a tough cookie, but Nick (Blake Berris) is right — she’s no match for hell’s ultimate torture
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ALL AMERICAN
Image Credit: Courtesy of The CW (inset: CW screenshot) “Anyway, I’m sorry this message got way too long. But like you, I had some things I needed to say, and I’m glad I did. I love you, Spencer James. And I always will. You are my All American.”
As if Billy Baker’s (Taye Diggs) death weren’t tragic enough already, the show delivers another crushing blow with Billy’s sentimental final voicemail to Spencer
