Quotes Of The Week For Aug. 11, 2019

We've rounded up the best TV quotes from Aug. 11 to Aug. 17, 2019. Scroll through our gallery of zingers, bon mots and one-liners below, then drop a comment and tell us if we missed any of your favorite lines from this week's television!

PATRIOT ACT WITH HASAN MINHAJ

"We've found every possible way to ingest [opium]. We drank poppy tea back in the day, we smoked opium, we injected morphine, we shot heroin — and if you haven't watched Euphoria on HBO, now you're all caught up."

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"Look, we all know how much Trump struggles to do the bare minimum of being a president, but it's still genuinely shocking just how much he struggles to do the bare minimum of being a f—king person. Because just consider the thought process that happened there. He visited a hospital filled with victims of a mass shooting and thought to himself, 'Remember that other time when I was the center of attention and it was better?' And then he thought, 'Do you think anybody else remembers that?' Then he thought, 'I should remind them, right?' Then he thought, 'Great idea!' Then he thought, 'Thank you!' Then he thought, 'Ivanka!' Then he thought, 'No time!' And then he said it, and he was happy with how it sounded."

AMBITIONS

"It would be utterly rude of me to send you away without at least offering you a drink. You always seem so... thirsty."

Few TV characters mix hospitality and shade as well as Stephanie Lancaster (Robin Givens)

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KRYPTON

"Ohhhh, these Kryptonian sedatives are a party. So that's one perk of being paralyzed — never walk again, but I think I can see sound."

Adam (Shaun Sipos) is feeling strange, indeed

KRYPTON (Bonus Quote!)

"General, would you care to step outside?"

Seg (Cameron Cuffe) evokes a future super man

ZOMBIE TIDAL WAVE

"Let's go kill some dead guys."

Hunter (Ian Ziering) and the police chief arm themselves for proper zombie hunting

ANIMAL KINGDOM

"Shoot me, you goddamn p—y! Shoot me!"

Smurf (Ellen Barkin), gently expressing her death wish to son Pope

LEGION

"What are we supposed to do, take him at his word?"

"We're telepaths. We never have to take anyone at their word."

Charles (Harry Lloyd) points out to David (Dan Stevens) why they can trust the dastardly Amahl Farouk

POSE

"God may have blessed you with Barbies, a backyard with a pony, a boyfriend named Jake and an unwanted pregnancy that your father paid to terminate so you could go to college and major in being a basic bitch... none of these things make you a woman."

That stuffy Long Island yuppie is surely regretting asking Elektra (Dominique Jackson) and her friends to leave the restaurant

ELEMENTARY

"As long as we're together, what does it matter?"

Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller), after Joan worries about what will happen if Bell doesn't let them return to work

SUITS

"How's Rachel?"

"Good. In fact, if I told you how good, you probably wouldn't believe me."

Mike (Patrick J. Adams) comments on his wife's (Meghan Markle) royally good situation

INSTINCT

"You know, if you can't learn to share me, we're not going to have any fun at this sex club."

Dylan (Alan Cumming) won't have Lizzie teasing him about his partnership with Ryan

BH90210

"Nepotism, Jen? Didn't you learn enough lessons from Tori being on her dad's show?"

Ian (Ian Ziering) learns that Jennie negotiated her daughter a role in the reboot

SUCCESSION

"How do we know he's not a double agent?"

"Should we frisk him for a wire? Burn him, see if he's a witch?"

Roman (Kieran Culkin) shares Connor's concerns about Kendall attending the family dinner

BIG BROTHER

"I refuse to believe America doesn't like me, OK? I barely talk."

Analyse remains convinced that she's competing in America's Field Trip because she's beloved, and not because viewers dislike her

WHY WOMEN KILL

"You think you're gonna get out of this by dying? F—k you! I want to see you suffer in a one-bedroom apartment next to the airport, and you will not deny me that pleasure!"

Simone (Lucy Liu) is furious that her cheating husband delayed their breakup by swallowing a bottle of pills out of guilt

BACHELOR IN PARADISE

"So you have no home.... You live in a van....You are a catch. What woman wouldn't want to lock you down?"

Chris Harrison catches up with Dean (and his mustache) upon his arrival

THE DETOUR

[Russian, with subtitles]

"Ivan, should I use three #MAGAs or four?"

"Four. And call that dude a libtard."

"I was going to, but isn't that kind of dumb?"

"These are social network Americans. They are dumb."

'Bot programmers are oblivious to Nate's (Jason Jones) peril outside the window