Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 23, 2018

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"I can't believe they cancelled Vampire Diaries, but they'll show this."

"This is the news."

"And that was a woman torn between two hunky vampires. What is your point?"

To be fair to Penny (Kaley Cuoco), I think we'd all rather be watching a CW drama over the news in 2018

THE BIG BANG THEORY (Bonus Quote!)

"Is it from one of your dumb sci-fi shows?"

"None of the sci-fi shows I watch are dumb."

"Sheldon."

"OK, Westworld. But this has nothing to do with that show, other than it's also inexplicable."

Amy (Mayim Bialik) and Sheldon (Jim Parsons) can't make heads or tails of Leonard and Penny's wedding gift, and drag the Emmy-nominated HBO series in the process

THE GOOD PLACE

"Oh, wow! I was just on Earth. It was incredible! The traffic, the pigeons! And I saw this place that was at once a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell. I mean, the mind reels. A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell!"

Michael (Ted Danson) is sufficiently wowed by his time on Earth

LAST MAN STANDING

"I'm trying to DVR my favorite show, but it's not on."

"Oh, well, maybe it got cancelled. You know, the TV business can be a heartless bastard."

"Cancelled? Why would they cancel a popular show that everybody loves?"

"Maybe they're a bunch of idiots!"

Mike (Tim Allen) and Vanessa (Nancy Travis) break down some cold, hard, meta truths about the TV business when Kyle's (Christoph Sanders) favorite show gets axed

LAST MAN STANDING (Bonus Quote!)

"Mom, this is really weird, but I just got lost upstairs."

New Mandy (Molly McCook) is still getting adjusted to her surroundings

NCIS

"Whoa, oh, what's that smell?"

"It's called dedication."

Kasie (Diona Reasonover) gets a whiff of fresh-from-Afghanistan Torres (Wilmer Valderrama)

9-1-1

"Niecy Nash should be on Mount Rushmore."

Claws superfan Athena (Angela Bassett) speaks the truth

SINGLE PARENTS

"We're single parents. We don't volunteer. We just try and survive until a time in the day when it's appropriate to open wine."

Angie (Leighton Meester) lays down the ground rules for eager new arrival Will

THE VOICE

"What [did] Curtis Mayfield sing, Blake?"

"Actually, I thought that was a baseball player."

Blake Shelton, forced by Jennifer Hudson to admit that he was just trying to impress a contestant by saying he was a Mayfield fan

FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE

"When it comes to allegations of sexual assault, it's like what I say about rattails: One is too many, and absolutely disqualifies you from the Supreme Court!"

SINGLE PARENTS (Bonus Quote!)

"Do you guys want to go play in my room? The theme is 'tastefully unicorn.'"

Sophie (Marlow Barkley) welcomes her new friends to the house she shares with her dad, Will

A MILLION LITTLE THINGS

"If she plays something by Bruno Mars, I will burn this place down."

Gary (James Roday) has no desire to "Uptown funk it up" at Jon's funeral

9-1-1 (Bonus Quote!)

"First thing: Everybody lies. Dr. Gregory House was right about that. Sometimes they know that they're lying.... Other times, what they're experiencing in the moment is scrambling their brains. They're the ultimate unreliable narrators."

"Uh, who's Dr. House?"

"Ugh, you're one of those. A reader."

Seriously, Maddie (Jennifer Love Hewitt), you're on Fox, after all!

YOUNG SHELDON

"Hello, Mary! This is John Sturgis, Sheldon's professor and your mother's lover."

"Hi — and John was more than enough."

John (Wallace Shawn) uses one too many descriptors for Mary's (Zoe Perry) liking

GREY'S ANATOMY

"Do you think they can sense our sexual tension?"

"Wouldn't I sense it?"

In a crowded elevator, Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) refuses to let Koracick (Greg Germann) push her buttons

MODERN FAMILY

"Haley? What are you doing here?"

"Well, you tweeted you were working, the water tower's in the back of your Instagram story and you just left a Yelp rating for that falafel place around the corner, so I figured out where you were. Could you please stop being so obsessed with me?!"

Has Haley (Sarah Hyland) been watching Lifetime's YOU?

THIS IS US

"Zoe and Kevin are doin' it."

"They are?"

"I had to say something."

"I know. I don't know how you're going to make this right with Oprah, but I know."

"I made a donation to her foundation."

"Well, that's a start."

Beth (Susan Kelechi Watson) can't stop herself from confirming her suspicions, thereby violating the oath she swore on the talk-show queen and amusing Randall (Sterling K. Brown)

HAWAII FIVE-0

"This place has got more traffic than Kanye's Twitter feed. I'll explain to you who 'Kanye' and what 'Twitter' is later, Steve."

Danny (Scott Caan) offers his partner a pop culture primer

MANIFEST

"Does this have to do with me? Acting out, trying to get my attention, get back at me...?"

"You are such a guy. I break open a fence and yeah, it's because you've married my best friend."

Michaela (Melissa Roxburgh) can't help but laugh at ex-boyfriend Jared's (J.R. Ramirez) take on her break-in

THE LAST SHIP

"Admiral, do you have any idea what kind of morale disaster it would be if you got hurt down there?"

"How much of a morale disaster would it be if we got invaded in a few weeks?"

Chandler (Eric Dane) torpedoes General Kincaid's concern

THE GIFTED

"Hey, don't underestimate John just because he can rock a man bun."

Clarice (Jamie Chung) urges Christina to trust Johnny's tracking skills

THE GIFTED (Bonus Quote!)

"Don't do drugs."

Caitlin (Amy Acker) gives a hopped-up hacker some motherly advice

YOU

"Fun fact: Spatchcocking a chicken and dismembering a human involve the same six essential steps. Not sure I'm down for that. A little intense."

Joe (Penn Badgley) does offline research on how to dispatch with Benji

MURPHY BROWN

"I thought it would be a piece of cake, but I was wrong. So wrong. Two years on The View nearly killed me!"

Miles (Grant Shaud) is clearly traumatized by his post-FYI producing ventures

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

"This year is about the new, fabulous, abstinent me. Fabstinent!"

Michaela (Aja Naomi King) vows to have a sexless school year after Scandal's Marcus rejects her via text

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

"I agree, you're not a psychology professor. You are a dull-witted human canker sore who shoots baby hippos out of Daddy's helicopter because it's the only way you can get an erection. Do us a favor: Put the Twitter aside. Go rub a tub of Axe Extreme Hold hair gel on your empty head, you chinless son of a circus peanut."

Kimmel lays into Donald Trump Jr. for criticizing Dr. Christine Blasey Ford during her Senate testimony

MANIAC (Episode 2)

"You're f—king crazy."

"I'm not f—king crazy, Patricia. I'm just goal-oriented."

Annie (Emma Stone) blackmails NPB employee Patricia (Selenis Leyva) in order to participate in the drug trial... then tries to convince the woman she doesn't have a problem

WYNONNA EARP

"You know your hair looks great."

"I know, but is it 'end of the world' great?"

Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano) likes to be well-tressed for battle

HAWAII FIVE-0 (Bonus Quote!)

"How long have we known each other?"

"Fifty years."

"Fif–...? That's not funny."

"It feels like 50 years."

Don't take it personally, Danny — he was making a nod to the show's anniversary!

BLUE BLOODS

"How's that kale?"

"What'd they do — mow a law, rake it up and pour dressing on it...? This is brutal."

We feel the same, Anthony (Steve Schirripa). Exactly the same.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"Pretty much the only ones who kept their composure at the hearing were the woman being questioned and the woman that Republicans had to hire to talk to the women being questioned. Now on an optics level, I get why the Republicans did that, but if you're not the right person to ask questions at a Senate hearing, maybe you're not the right person to be a senator."