No disrespect to the incomparable Ryan Seacrest, but perhaps for one week only, American Idol should’ve replaced him with an auctioneer?
Tonight’s one-hour telecast — which featured Season 14’s Top 12 guys performing for only eight available slots next Wednesday — was paced so frenetically it made Usain Bolt look like a three-legged tortoise.
Actually, it might’ve been better had Auntie Trish (AKA exec producer Trish Kinane — read my juicy Q&A with her here) simply cut the fat from the telecast — and no, I’m not referring to 15-year-old Daniel Seavey, despite the PTS-Ewww I felt after hearing him sing the line “Scooch a little closer dear, I’ll nibble your ear.”
With so much to pack in to such a limited amount of airtime, why not eliminate the judges’ critiques? I mean, J.Lo, Harry and Keith’s comments were so rushed — and so boiled-down in this pre-taped environment — that they actually proved less helpful than the Aussie judges’ mid-performance hair flips or Jenny From the Block’s “mmm-hmm” face.
Ah well… what do I know? I just sit here in my Old Navy sweats — they’re new, and they’re spectacular(ly comfortable), in case you were wondering — and make snarky Twitter comments. Professionally speaking, I am one-step above that dude in his mother’s basement who types in PERMANENT CAPS LOCK and ruins every comments section on the Internet. GAH!
Instead of succumbing to such a terrible fate, let me weigh in now with letter grades for each of the night’s performances — along with succinct five-word opinions (gotta keep it pithy — since I also recap Empire).
Adam Ezegelian – Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock” — Grade: C+ | Tuesday-night karaoke. Compliment? Insult?
Michael Simeon – Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” — Grade: C | On bended knee, offering cheese.
Savion Wright – Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister” — Grade: B+ | Sung beautifully; Will Jazzfest-iness = votes?
Mark Andrew – The Band’s “The Weight” — Grade: B- | Will forget this by midnight.
Trevor Douglas – Gavin DeGraw’s “Best I Ever Had” — Grade: D+ | Voice crumbled like tragic feta.
Clark Beckham – Percy Sledge’s “When a Man Loves a Woman” — Grade: B+ | Soulful, sexy. Glory note sketchy?
Rayvon Owen – Nick Jonas’ “Jealous” — Grade: A- | TONE! J.Lo had point re. attitude.
Daniel Seavey – Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” — Grade: C- | Vocally inconsistent, lyrically inappropriate. Blerg.
Riley Bria – Eric Church’s “Homeboy” — Grade: C | Brutal pitch problems went unmentioned.
Quentin Alexander – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ “I Put a Spell on You” — Grade: A | Hauntingly original and deeply felt. #spellbound
Nick Fradiani – Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” — Grade: A | Adults understand lyrics. SO! GOOD!
Qaasim Middleton – Mark Ronson & Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk” — Grade: B+ | Super entertaining — despite iffy notes.
Should Go Home: Trevor, Michael, Daniel, Riley
Will Go Home: Trevor, Michael, Adam and (because life is cruel) Rayvon