Revenge Finale Recap: Dead Man Walking

Revenge Season 3 Finale RecapS— just got real. I mean, we knew going in to the third season finale of Revenge that someone was gonna end up rockin’ a body bag. But nothing — not even TVLine’s own preview — could have prepared us for the shocknado that was unleashed in “Execution.” Since the episode defies traditional methods of recappage, I shall merely endeavor to keep my jaw off the floor long enough to count down the hour’s five biggest surprises. Ready? Oh, who am I kidding? Even if you think you’re ready, you’re not! (I sure as hell wasn’t.)

RELATED | Revenge Finale Post Mortem: Show’s Boss Defends [Spoiler]’s Death, Reveals First Season 4 Spoilers and More!

5. NOLAN’S PLOT | After Javier is more or less dumped by Charlotte (who, like me, seems to only vaguely remember that she even had a boyfriend), he’s dissuaded from skipping town by Nolan. Why? (No, seriously — why? We lost Patrick for this?) Because Nolan is secretly plotting with Margaux’s newly arrived brother, Gideon, to reclaim MyClone. And if Nolan can pull off an outfit comprised of plaid pants, a striped sweater and a floral print top — which somehow he kinda does — surely, he can pull this off!

4.  JACK’S ARREST | After learning that Jack brought David’s ring to Emily instead of her, Charlotte is so miffed that she has a well-timed flashback that tips her off to his involvement in her abduction. Since this only serves to make her more miffed (miffed-er?), faster than Jack can say, “Hey, it wasn’t my idea!” Charlotte has him handcuffed and carted away. (Guess this leaves Carl in charge of the Stowaway for the rest of the evening?)

PHOTOS | Fall TV Preview: Your Guide to What’s New!

3. DANIEL’S DOWNFALL | Turns out, not only does Gideon want MyClone, he also wants to stick it to Margaux for making Daniel her second in command. (As everyone knows, nepotism should decide who gets the corner office, not who looks hotter in a suit.) And, Daniel being Daniel, he plays right into Gideon’s hands by boffing a ginger cokehead who conveniently ODs in his bed. One candid photo of that sordid tableau, and Gideon has all the blackmail material he and Nolan could possibly need!

2. CONRAD’S COMEUPPANCE/DAVID’S RESURRECTION | At first, it seems like Conrad is actually suffering behind bars. After his bail is denied and David is cleared of all the charges against him, Daddy Warbucks gets roughed up by a guard (no, not in an Oz sorta way) and whines to God, “Death would be a luxury compared to this.” But the guard only sucker-punched him to keep from being suspected when he dresses ol’ moneybags like a priest and lets him stroll right out the gate. Unfortunately for Conrad, the designated driver who picks him up a mile down the road isn’t just any old driver — it’s freakin’ David himself! And before Conrad can even remark on how nice he looks with his new short haircut, the “deceased” has stabbed his nemesis to death! (At least, Conrad certainly looks dead.)

RELATED | Barry Sloane Exits Revenge — Get Scoop on His New Gig!

1. AIDEN’S MURDER | Still determined to make the queen bee feel her sting, Emily lets Aiden approach Michelle, the shrink who sent her to juvie all those years ago. But Victoria, having gotten a lot better at this game, is now one step ahead of Emily. So she’s laced the tea that Aiden sips in Michelle’s office with a toxin that paralyzes him… thereby allowing her to come in and smother him… to death! “Emily ripped away my chance for true love,” Victoria tells her victim. “It’s only fair that I do the same for her.” Later, Emily comes home to find Aiden’s corpse posed on the couch in front of a roaring fire — ghastly! Next thing you know, Ems has lured her archenemy to David’s gravesite. When she accuses Victoria of murder, the Maleficent of the Hamptons merely purrs, “You received my gift.” From there, the foes’ conversation gets stranger and stranger. Victoria seems to actually badmouth David — who she’s previously all but nominated for sainthood — and Emily says she’s not digging up her father’s grave, she’s digging up Amanda’s. And with that, she clocks Victoria with her shovel! Cut to: Victoria waking up in restraints in a mental hospital! Emily has had her committed! She told the doctors that Victoria became convinced that she (Emily, that is) was Amanda that she (Victoria, that is) even tried to unearth Amanda to prove it! And, as crazy as the story sounds, Michelle (under duress) corroborates it. So off Victoria goes, on an off-season trip around the cuckoo’s nest!

Okay, your turn. What did you think of the season finale — and the season? Did you think it was a great twist that David was alive… or a jump-the-shark moment? Hit the comments!

GET MORE: Recaps