The jury’s still out on those May flowers, but April showers definitely brought some top-notch television. (Bet you didn’t know those two things were related.)
In our latest Quotes of the Week compilation below, we’ve gathered nearly two dozen of television’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including moments both scripted and unscripted from broadcast, cable and streaming series.
This time around, we’ve got Sam’s very strong argument for wanting to avoid Manhattan on Ghosts, a not-so-fun fact about Succession‘s tech mogul Lukas Matsson, Mariana’s appreciation for Boy Meets World on Good Trouble, and a reminder from A Million Little Things that it knows how to craft one heck of a bittersweet moment.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: double doses of Sweet Tooth, The Diplomat, Ted Lasso, NCIS: Los Angeles and The Flash (read our conversation with returnee Stephen Amell).
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves!
-
GHOSTS
Image Credit: CBS screenshot “You know I can’t live in the city, right? It’s like wall-to-wall ghosts. Central Park looks like the ‘Thriller’ video.”
Sam (Rose McIver) reacts to finding out Jay interviewed for a job in NYC
-
SWEET TOOTH (Episode 1)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “Did he find my tape?”
“What tape?”
“Shady Grove. I recorded a message on a cassette and hid it in the attic.”
“What’s a cassette again?”
The very young Becky (Stefania LaVie Owen) needs a reminder about a recording format of yesteryear
-
SWEET TOOTH (Episode 1 Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “What happened to [Big Man]?”
“I don’t know. I think he might be with Pubba now. If he were here, though, he’d tell me not to be sad. And he’d tell me not to do any ‘weird deer s—t.’ Then he’d tell me to grow a pair.”
“A pair of what?”
“I don’t know. He never said!”
Kids (Christian Convery’s Gus) say the darndest things, don’t they?
-
A MILLION LITTLE THINGS
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “Your turn. C’mon, in solidarity. It’s the right thing to do.”
“Tell you what: I will shave my pits.”
“Who said cancer doesn’t have its upsides?”
Gary (James Roday Rodriguez) and Maggie (Allison Miller) negotiate after he shaves his head during chemotherapy
-
FARMER WANTS A WIFE
Image Credit: Fox screenshot “I know what seeds look like, thank you.”
Zoe interrupts Landon’s very rudimentary agriculture lesson
-
SUCCESSION
Image Credit: HBO screenshot “Matsson? Pretty cold. When he’s f—king randos, he does noise-cancelling headphones. Podcasts.”
Greg (Nicholas Braun) gives Tom vital intel on GoJo CEO Lukas Matsson’s, um, unusual proclivities
-
GOTHAM KNIGHTS
Image Credit: The CW screenshot “Did he sell you a timeshare while he was at it, too?”
Duela (Olivia Rose Keegan) can’t believe Turner fell for Joe Chill’s “I’m innocent” plea
-
GOOD TROUBLE
Image Credit: Freeform screenshot “OK, what’s going on with you and Jamie? You’re my Cory and Topanga. Please don’t tell me that you broke up and I’m the last person to know.”
Mariana (Cierra Ramirez) worries about Callie and Jamie’s relationship status
-
THE DIPLOMAT (Episode 7)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “I don’t mention things for a living.”
“Yeah, it’s f—king weird.”
Stuart (Ato Essandoh) razzes his CIA girlfriend Eidra (Ali Ahn) for being so intensely guarded inside and outside work
-
THE DIPLOMAT (Episode 7 Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “I’m glad we aren’t going to war with Russia. I wasn’t up for it.”
Ambassador extraordinaire Kate (Keri Russell) expresses (hilariously understated) relief at not having to witness a nuclear apocalypse
-
WILL TRENT
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “Pee-Pee… Percival?”
Campano (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) tries/fails to remember the real name of fellow group home member “Pee-Pee Percy”
-
9-1-1
Image Credit: Fox screenshot “Of course I’m keeping the receipts, that’s literally my job!”
This is exactly what we’d expect from an argument between an IRS agent (Brian Ibsen) and his wife
-
TED LASSO
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot “Obviously, I couldn’t grow a beard. Otherwise, Coach [Beard] and I here would look like a ZZ Top cover band.”
“Would’ve been called Sharp Dressed Men.”
“Ooh, that’s nice.”
“God, I hate what you’ve f—king done to me.”
Roy (Brett Goldstein), upon realizing that he never would’ve made ZZ Top wordplay before meeting Ted (Jason Sudeikis)
-
TED LASSO (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot (2) “You haven’t switched tactics in a week.”
“I haven’t?”
“No. You’ve done this over three seasons.”
“I have?”
“Yes. By slowly but surely building a club-wide culture of trust and support through thousands of imperceptible moments, all leading to their inevitable conclusion. Total Football.”
“Well, how about that!”
Wait, has Ted Lasso (the show) been applying Total Football this entire time???
-
THE CHALLENGE: WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “This has turned pear-shaped really quick.”
“Pear-shaped? What’s wrong with a pear? I like pear shapes.”
“Imagine if everything’s going perfectly well in a circle and it turns pear-shaped, meaning you just lost control of what you were doing.”
“I like pear-shaped, ’cause pear-shaped mean you got ass.”
Kiki Morris tries to take partner Darrell Taylor to school, but he’s clearly got something else on his mind
-
SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE
Image Credit: HBO screenshot “You know I don’t have the infrastructure to go this fast!”
Sam (Bridget Everett) takes off running after Joel (Jeff Hiller) declares his love for her (knowing damn well that she doesn’t like talking about feelings)
-
NCIS: LOS ANGELES
Image Credit: CBS screenshot (2) “People have entirely too much time on their hands.”
Kilbride (Gerald McRaney) watches a POI’s TikTok-y protest video
-
NCIS: LOS ANGELES (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: CBS screenshot “You don’t happen to have any kale that doesn’t taste like kale, do you?”
Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) asks a plant geneticist the question many of us would like answered
-
CITADEL (Episode 2)
Image Credit: Prime Video screenshot “You can’t even remember to put the toilet seat down. Now you’re Jason Bourne?”
Mason’s wife (Ashleigh Cummings) has a difficult time believing that her husband is a spy
-
SURVIVOR
Image Credit: CBS screenshot “Enjoy your rice, you bitches!”
Kane Fritzler cracks a joke on his way out of Tribal Council, after sitting out of a challenge to help the tribe win rice
-
THE FLASH
Image Credit: The CW screenshot “You’re dead. Otherwise why would I let you hug me that long?”
Oliver (Stephen Amell) is a smidgen more touchy-feely as Spectre
-
THE FLASH (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: The CW screenshot “How many times have you saved your city now? 170?”
“180.”
Barry (Grant Gustin) boasts that his series superheroism has lasted longer
-
THE DAILY SHOW
Image Credit: Comedy Central screenshot “I can’t believe a network that’s so opposed to gender-affirming surgery just cut off their own d—k.”
Guest host Desi Lydic is shocked to see Fox News kick Tucker Carlson to the curb
