Need a little help procrastinating on your taxes? Never fear: Our Quotes of the Week compilation is here.
In the list below, we’ve gathered nearly two dozen of television’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including moments both scripted and unscripted from broadcast, cable and streaming series.
This time around, we’ve got a peek into Higgins’ upbringing that we were not expecting from Ted Lasso, a culinary metaphor (that we think is supposed to be a compliment) from Kelly Ripa on Ryan Seacrest’s last Live episode, Alberta’s disappointment on Ghosts that a certain Game of Thrones cast member doesn’t appear on House of the Dragon, and Succession‘s Connor being… well, Connor.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: double doses of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Young Sheldon and Grey’s Anatomy, plus quotable moments from Abbott Elementary, The Neighborhood, Titans and more shows.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves!
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ABBOTT ELEMENTARY
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “I only stay at five-star hotels. They become a six when I walk in.”
You can never say Ava (Janelle James) lacks confidence
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GHOSTS
Image Credit: CBS screenshot “A head-napper is on the loose, and I will not rest until I bring him or her to justice!”
“And I’m going to help, because Game of Thrones is over, and Momoa is not in the spinoff.”
Alberta (Danielle Pinnock) volunteers to assist Isaac (Brandon Scott Jones) with his investigation into who took Crash’s head
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SUCCESSION
Image Credit: HBO screenshot “Mr. Scrooge just happened to be a huge wealth creator. They don’t mention that in Mr. Dickens’ books, do they?”
Elite one-percenter Connor (Alan Ruck) demands justice for Ebenezer Scrooge’s legacy
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THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL (Episode 1)
Image Credit: Prime Video screenshot “She’s practically speaking in tongues. There are a lot of random words, strange sounds…”
“She could be speaking Bebop.”
A panicked Abe (Tony Shalhoub) and Rose (Marin Hinkle) describe daughter Midge’s frostbite symptoms to Susie
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THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL (Episode 1 Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: Prime Video screenshot “Did I say my kids can go f—k themselves?”
“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think the little one heard you.”
Coming out of her feverish frostbite haze, Midge (Rachel Brosnahan) begins to recall some of the horrible things she unwittingly said to caretaker Susie (Alex Borstein)
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THE CHALLENGE: WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “I don’t know why, like, my adrenaline’s going. There’s nothing I can do.”
“It’s probably because, you know, you don’t really believe in your partner.”
“Do you need me to kick you in the nuts? Because I think I could reach around.”
Jodi Weatherton isn’t afraid to throw down after Theo Campbell makes a crack about her partner
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AMERICAN AUTO
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “Dealers need a little foreplay before the action. Like women used to, before the apps.”
Do not take advice from Wesley (Jon Barinholtz)
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THE NEIGHBORHOOD
Image Credit: CBS screenshot (2) “What was that? ‘Sweet Caroline’?”
“I thought it was ‘Back That Azz Up.'”
Neither Tina (Tichina Arnold) nor Calvin (Cedric the Entertainer) can figure out what Grover played on the recorder
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BEEF (Episode 10)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “How do I know you’re not hiding [your gun]? Huh? Because you’re a pathological liar.”
“Because I would be shooting you with it, you moron!”
“Use nice words! I am not helping you unless you use. Nice. Words!”
Danny (Steven Yeun) refuses to assist an injured Amy (Ali Wong) until she abides by the golden rule
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LIVE WITH KELLY AND RYAN
Image Credit: ABC screenshot (2) “I always jokingly have referred to [Ryan Seacrest] as an onion, with all these layers. But really, what you are is a blooming onion, because you are layers upon layers of goodness…”
Anyone else suddenly craving Outback Steakhouse?
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STAR TREK: PICARD
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “Data, could you try and be a little more positive?”
“I hope we die quickly!”
Data (Brent Spiner) puts an optimistic spin on the looming Borg assimilation for Geordi (LeVar Burton)
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TINY BEAUTIFUL THINGS (Episode 5)
Image Credit: Hulu screenshot “I’m just sad that we haven’t moved beyond literature by misogynistic male authors that can’t write about anything except allegories for their broken d—ks.”
A young Clare (Sarah Pidgeon) feels she could be getting more out of her college education
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TED LASSO
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot “‘Even with Zava, Richmond eats more a— than your mom.'”
“Buddy, you gotta get off Twitter.”
“That’s a text from my father.”
Suffice it to say, Higgins (Jeremy Swift) probably has a lot to work through in therapy
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YOUNG SHELDON
Image Credit: CBS screenshot (2) “It’s my only brother’s 18th birthday.”
“Excuse me?”
“Fine! It’s my favorite brother’s 18th birthday.”
“Better.”
Sheldon (Iain Armitage) doesn’t need to be Missy’s (Raegan Revord) favorite brother; he just wants to be acknowledged as her brother
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YOUNG SHELDON (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: CBS screenshot (2) “I’m trying to do a better job of picking up on the characters’ emotional states. So, for example, this scene seems like it’s about expired food, but thanks to the ominous music, I can tell it’s about Kelly’s eating disorder. Give it a try.”
“Yeah, I see. That one’s upset because he’s 30 years old and still in high school.”
Sheldon (Iain Armitage) and George (Lance Barber) bond over Missy’s favorite show, Beverly Hills, 90210
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A MILLION LITTLE THINGS
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “If that kid steps out of line, it’s going to take the entire Band of Dads to hold back the Band of Moms from bringing him a world of hurt.”
Eddie (David Giuntoli) gives Sophie some reassuring advice regarding her new romantic relationship with Tyrell
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RABBIT HOLE
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “This is what we’ve been looking for. If we start messing with his money pipeline, he will expose himself and that’s how we’ll get him. It’s like we found a thermal exhaust port for the f—king Death Star!”
“Is that some nerd thing I’m supposed to understand?”
“Oh, God.”
In Ben’s (Charles Dance) defense, he has been pretend dead for a while
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GREY'S ANATOMY
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “I have to hand it to you, you really went for your two favorite things in that speech: proving me wrong and getting laid.”
The swoon-worthy anecdote that Owen shares with a patient makes Teddy (Kim Raver) reconsider whether romance really is dead
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GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “I need you to hold onto [my phone]. That is my lifeline, and I’m entrusting it to you. Do not answer it unless caller ID says it’s my husband Ben Warren or a hospital number.”
“Got it. So Grey Sloan, your husband or Ben Warren.”
“My husband is Ben Warren. Do I need to entrust this to someone else?”
Bailey (Chandra Wilson) forgets that Mika (Midori Francis) is new here — like, really new
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TITANS
Image Credit: HBO Max screenshot “Are you really Tamaranean?”
“I’m sure as s—t not Klingon.”
Kory (Anna Diop) glows up to shut up a doubter
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CSI: VEGAS
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “Can I just say that I hate when y’all bring me spare limbs? The paperwork is weird.”
Dr. Hudson (Derek Webster) isn’t happy to see a severed foot in his lab
